The Hokage in the Afterlife
by rhcpftw
Summary: The Hokage are chilling in whatever place you go to when you die. Here, they discuss the events which are transpiring in the world, who the best Hokage was and just play the blame game in a lovely, immature fashion.
1. Chapter 1

**The Hokage in the Afterlife**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. This is a non-profit humor story written for entertainment purposes only.**

Minato: Alright, so I guess we can all agree I'm the best damn Hokage the world has ever seen, right?

Hiruzen: Really, how do you figure that?

Minato: Oh, I don't know...let's see here...We've got Woody over there who's DNA is pretty much one of the major reasons the world is on a highway to hell.

Hashirama: Hey!

Minato: And then we've got you, who trained this world's equivalent of Michael Jackson, and we all know how that turned out.

Tobirama: What about me?

Minato: Name ONE thing you've done.

Tobirama: Oh...ah...I...Oh! I came up with the Chunin Exams!

Hiruzen: Pff...big accomplishment, you force little children to battle each other, congratulations.

Minato: Yeah way to go Aquaman.

Tobirama: Oh! He's my favorite superhero! How did you know?

*Silence*

Hashirama: Bro...please...the grownups are talking. Anyway, we all know I'm the strongest by far.

Hiruzen: Oh really? Well I'll just bring a chainsaw to our next fight and see how well you'll do.

Minato: "Oh no! My trees are not enough to stop my lover Madara! Wait...I know! I'll use MORE TREES!"

Hashirama: God I hate you guys...

Minato: Let's face it, I'm the smartest, strongest, sexie...

Tobirama: Hey guys, check out the TV! Tobi's mask finally shattered!

Hiruzen: Oh my God it feels like I've been waiting forever! Finally, people can stop with the Izuna/Kagami nonsense.

Hashirama: I don't know, we don't know anything about those two...THAT MEANS IZUNA IS TOBI! RIGHT?!

Hiruzen: ...I don't know what's worse...the fact that people want Tobi to be a nobody or that people will act like his identity was obvious when it's revealed.

Tobirama: Dudes, my money is still on Obito.

Minato: I've told you, there was nothing left but some Obito SOUP after he was crushed. Besides, it's not like I can fail, unlike you I've got a reputation to take care of!

*You let Rin die!*

Hiruzen: Oh sweet Lord it actually IS Obito! And look! He has gone all Uchiha too! Nice work Blondie!

Minato: Oh wow...I actually messed up. Hey, hey! How much do you wanna bet Kakashi will use Talk no Jutsu on him?

*Enter Tsunade*

Tsunade: 100 bucks!

Tobirama: Oh woh woh...there's no need to BET YOUR LIFE ON IT...AM I RIGHT?!...What too soon?


	2. Chapter 2

Hiruzen: Hey Minato...

Minato: Shut up.

Tobirama: Sure looks like you messed up big time once again...

Minato: Shut up.

Hashirama: Let's see here, first you let Obito 'die' and go all Darth Vader and now you've got the fan favorite killing little girls. Quite impressive.

Minato: Shut up.

Tsunade: Oh are we making fun Goldilocks? Tripping, what have I missed?

Hiruzen: Oh nothing...he was just so damn sure he was the best Hokage there ever was and then we found out Obito was the main bad guy. Laughter ensued.

Tsunade: Well if you're looking for things to make fun of you should just point out the fact that he's NARUTO's father.

Tobirama: OOooOOOH BURN!

Hashirama: That's my little girl!

Minato: Shut up. Still the best. Still the sexiest.

Tsunade: Sexiest? Are you forgetting that like 90% of our viewers are male and I'm given two watermelons as a result of that?

Danzo: _Come on guys, let me in!_

Hashirama: Damn, it's Danzo! Everyone just stay quiet and...

Hiruzen: Goddammit Danzo this is a club for real Hokage! You lost to Sasuke! SASUKE! AND you got hit by shirken! No one gets hit by shuriken!

Minato: Not to mention the fact that you did even less than Tobirama! That's got to be a record or something!

Tobirama: Hey...

Danzo: _Fine, I'll start my own club, with Senju DNA and Sharingan!_

Hashirama: Yeah sure, it's not like we're seeing that everyday...

Tobirama: Yeah your DNA is really all over the place these days huh bro? By the way, does that mean you're also made up of that white gooey stuff?

Hashirama: No, that's what you get when you combine my super DNA with plants.

Hiruzen:...I'm not even going to begin explaining why that makes absolutely zero sense. From Metal Gear Solid to Naruto, I don't think the Japanese are very good at genetics...

Tsunade: Oh well, now that I'm here, I guess we can all agree that I'm the best Hokage so far!

Hiruzen: You left the village crying like an Uchiha

Minato: You contemplated cooperating with Orochimaru

Hashirama: One guy single-handedly destroyed the village

Tobirama: Literally torn apart by one man when you had four of the strongest living shinobi at your side AFTER your chakra had been restored.

Tsunade:...God I hate you guys.

Minato: I have a feeling you'll fit right in here!

Danzo:..._So unfair_...

Hiruzen: I told him not to implant Uchiha DNA...Now look at him.

**The End**


	3. Chapter 3

Hashirama: So Tsunade...I hear you trained Sakura...

Tsunade: Yes, I daresay she has become quite the kunoichi.

Minato: Yeah...of doing NOTHING!

*Laughter*

Tsunade: What's so damn funny?

Hiruzen: Well you see, Sakura literally does NOTHING, she's actually one of the main characters and she's just the average love-interest of the real protagonist.

Minato: All she did in the first season was standing with a kunai and NOT fighting. She was a ninja! She had exactly the same experience and conditions as Naruto and Sasuke had and she still didn't do anything! Just like Tobirama!

Tobirama: Hey...

Hiruzen: Not to mention the fact that she has the personality of a shoe.

Tsunade: But that was before I trained her! You saw how she dealt with Sasori in the beginning of Shippuden!

Hashirama: Yeah but that was the rule for women in general, just like Lady Chiyo. After that the series went back to its good ol' sexism. I bet the line of thought was something along the lines of "well, now the witches can't whine at least. Now I can send them back to the kitchen with a clear conscience!"

*Laughter*

Tsunade: Hey, you can't blame me for the writing! It's not my fault women are supposed to just look good and be in supporting roles, healing and whatnot!

Minato: I guess...it's like we can't blame Tobirama here for not doing anything.

Tobirama: Okay, that joke is getting really old!

Minato: No it isn't! There are quite a few things that never get old in this series: flashbacks, Senju DNA, the Sharingan and the Uchiha, Tailed Beasts turning into fodder, Tobirama's ineptitude, geniuses vs hard-workers and the girls being in love with the geniuses while the hard-worker is in love with the girl. By the way, note how the 'girl' doesn't have a personality...

Tobirama: Hey...

Tsunade: Hey...

Hashirama: Don't talk bad about the Uchiha! You can't insult our 13-year-old fans!

Hiruzen: Oh let the man speak!

Tobirama: What do you have against the Uchiha anyway?

Hiruzen: Well let's see here: they get all the screen time even though they're basically a dead clan. I swear if the story focused half as much on other clans, we might just actually have learned to respect them too. They have their ridiculously overpowered Kekkei Genkai, which I might add can turn into the Rinnegan, basically making them living Gods. Not only that but they start whining over the most trivial things, insisting that no one can ever understand the pain they feel inside.

Hashirama: Wow...say goodbye to our fanbase, I think you just pissed off the entire internet.

Tobirama: Not to mention that some of them actually lived rather crappy lives.

Hiruzen: Ah yes...Sasuke for instance: oh no, it's so hard being gorgeous and loved by everyone in the village, having everything served to me on a silver platter. I must throw this all away because no one will ever understand how I feel! - I get it, you had a tough childhood.

Minato: Kind of like everyone else in this series, come to think of it. We live in a sad world.

Tsunade: True story.

Tobirama: So, honestly, how do you think this will end?

Minato: Oh we already know that of course. Obito will eventually redeem himself somehow, and I bet he and Kakashi will fuse their eye jutsu together and lock Madara away forever and ever. Probably after a touching speech, some beautiful music, remeniscing of a tragic childhood and a Rasengan or two. You know, the usual.

Hashirama: You can't do that to my Maddie-Maddie! I want him to come here when he's defeated!

Tsunade: I'm sorry grandpa but it looks like Obito will be the one to join us.

Tobirama: Damn, and I was so ready to bet on the winner of the Kakashi-Guy-Obito Drinking Contest...

Minato: Oh Obito would have won that. I bet Senju DNA keeps you from getting a hangover.

Tsunade: I've heard it also cures you of your allergies

Tobirama: Not to mention it makes you ten times stronger.

Minato: And prettier.

Hiruzen: And smarter.

Tobirama: And create an army.

*Oh yeah...*

Hashirama: Oh ha-ha. I get it, my DNA is overused. It's not my fault my Maddie-Maddie can't let go of me that easily.

Tobirama: Hey, speaking of Senju DNA and overpoweredness...

Hashirama: Hey...

Tobirama: How come you didn't recognize Obito when you fought, Minato? What, like a year had passed or something?

Tsunade: You got your butt kicked by a 14-year-old loser?

Minato: Hey! It's not my fault! The guy had training from Madara, the Fox, Senju DNA and the Mangekyo!

Hiruzen: Yeah but...it was OBITO!

Tsunade: The kid must've hit puberty during that time. You must have recognized his voice, OR been able to take a good guess considering his voice must have cracked more than Sasuke's sanity!

Minato: I don't know...I think Senju DNA removes the negatives of puberty,...and helps you grow.

Hashirama: That's it! Blondie's going down!

***Epic fight of epic proportions no Jutsu!***


	4. Chapter 4

Tsunade: God it's boring up here, especially when we're waiting for a new chapter...

Minato: Don't worry, I've got a plan!

Hashirama: How come I get nervous whenever Blondie's up to something?

Hiruzen: Indeed...

Minato: No no wait guys this is good I promise! We'll watch Naruto...

Tobirama: What the hell? Isn't that what we always do?

Minato: Not finished! And we'll take a shot every time they show a flashback of something we've already seen, clench their fists or their only line is a name. Like, say...Naruto throwing a fit or something, and all Sakura can say is "Naruto..."

Tsunade: That's the best idea I've heard since I got here!

Tobirama: We won't even survive an episode...

Hashirama: Good thing I've got Senju DNA...I can get drunk but without any of the consequences. Ah...Senju DNA...

Minato: Whatever let's just watch...

***30 minutes later no Jutsu!***

Tsunade: Why ish everyone sho shtupid in thish sheries?!

Tobirama: I know right! "Hello, I'm Itachi! I'm going to psychologically torment my brother into hating me and taunting him to kill me. Then he'll return home a hero after I reveal to him how to obtain even more power Uchiha-style. There's no way this carefully thought out plan could ever fail or backfire!"

Hiruzen! Why was Orochimaru like "I'm so stealthy, no one could possibly figure out I only joined up with the Akatsuki for my own ambition and...Ooh hey Itachi joined! Now I can get that sharingan I always wanted!" while standing near Pain, the man with the RINNEGAN?!

Minato: Why is everyone madly in love with someone when they're SIX YEARS OLD?!

Hashirama: Why does Kabuto think waging a war and turning himself into a monster will make people notice and respect him?!

Tsunade: Why does Sasuke think that going against Itachi's wishes will purify the Uchiha name?!

Minato: Hey...were we ever that stupid?

***Epic silence no jutsu!***


	5. Chapter 5

Tobirama: This is sweet.

Minato: Shut up.

Tsunade: I swear we've been here before.

Hiruzen: Mr. Perfect's students are all messed up. Literally lying in a pool of their own blood.

Minato: Shut up. Still Hashirama's fault.

Hashirama: Hey what did I ever do to you?

Minato: Your DNA is MESSED UP!

Tsunade. Yepp we've definitely been here before...

Hashirama: Um hello, I'm DEAD remember? Just like you guys.

Minato: Doesn't change the fact that your DNA is ridiculously overpowered.

Tobirama: Yeah even that loser Obito can kill a small army of elite ANBU with it.

Hashirama: But...The Sharingan?

Tsunade: The Sharingan is so three months ago back when people still tossed off to Madara's Perfect Susano'o.

Minato: Who are you kidding, they still do that!

Tsunade: Yeah but a woman can dream right?

Tobirama: I really wish these ludicrous power levels were toned down a bit. Whatever happened to the Byakugan?

Hashirama: The Byakawhat?

Tobirama: You know...that white eye thingy...you could see really far and through things? Kakashi thought it was the original Dojutsu?

Minato: What the hell is a Bayakaygan?

Tsunade: Is it something you can eat?

Tobirama: Have you guys really forgotten it? It was a really big deal in part one...

Hiruzen: Apparently everything in part one is forgotten. I beat both you and Hashirama AND sealed Orochimaru's arms in the Death God at the same time, and you guys were UNDEAD. I couldn't kill you by ordinary means and I STILL won.

And people still think I'm 'fodder'

Minato: Yeah I bet the fans say something along the lines of 'Orochimaru's jutsu was weak, therefore Hashirama wasn't at full power'.

Hiruzen: You know it. The point is: everything new everything old, apparently.

Tsunade: That sucks...remember when the Sannin were legendary and feared and not completely overshadowed by everyone else?

Tobirama: The who was what now?


	6. Chapter 6

Minato: I'm so damn bored! And I don't want to hear anything about drinking alcohol ever again. Last time I think I had a hangover for a week...I didn't even know that was possible!

Tobirama: You know it was your rules, right?

Minato: It seemed like such a good idea at the time...

Hiruzen: You think this is bad? You know what's really censored in the manga? Paperwork. Imagine how much paperwork I had to do, I was Hokage the longest. Don't forget that.

Minato: At least you got some respite when I stepped into office.

Hiruzen: Oh yes, what a nice break it was. "Finally some quality time for myself" I thought and then BAM, you died. For how long were you Hokage anyway?

Minato: I don't know...a month?

Tsunade: That's even less than Tobirama.

Tobirama: I think our audience is getting tired of that joke honestly.

Hashirama: What audience? We're dead, we don't have to do anything anymore! I can walk around naked if I damn well please!

Pain: Please don't...

Hashirama: Holy shit!

Tobirama: Told you we had an audience!

*Enter the Akatsuki*

Konan: Thanks for letting us stay here for a while, it was so incredibly boring at our place.

Kakuzu: I blame Hidan.

Hidan: F*ck you you ass! You blame me for everything!

Tobirama: I know that feel bro...

Minato: Oh so you're the Tobirama of your group? How do they make fun of you?

Kakuzu: The ninja without ninjutsu!

Konan: Picked apart by a lazy 16-year-old.

Itachi: Probably the most censored manga character on the internet.

Hidan: Ta-fucking-da...It's not fair...Kisame lost to a bowl cut!

Kisame: A bowl cut who is recognized as the most skilled taijutsu user in the Narutoverse. Your argument is invalid.

Hidan: But...you were IN WATER! And you're a SHARK!

Kisame: I don't see what that has to do with anything! *pout*

Pain: Sometimes I wonder how I could ever put up with you. Luckily I have the patience of a God...

Tsunade: Pff...some God...you got convinced to give up by our deadlast...

Pain: I was stunned by his conviction...

Itachi: And you are a complete pansy.

Pain: And I am a...hey!

Hiruzen: Itachi, it's good to see you again, regardless. Tell me, how did your bitchy little cousin or whatever it was do after your death?  
*Akatsuki laughter*

Itachi: Very well actually, he has the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan and has progressed nicely.

Tsunade: And he went full Uchiha on us...crying about unfairness and such. Were you also that spoiled and awful when you were PMS:ing, Itachi?

*Laughter*

Itachi: Whatever. Still have the Sharingan.

Minato: Dude, we make fun of it all the time here, I wouldn't bring that up if I were you. That and Hashirama's DNA.

Hashirama: Oh for Rikudo's sake!

Itachi: Oh yeah...that's too overpowered.

Kisame: Says the guy who fights with his eyes alone...

Deidara: UN!

Sasori: Well said.

Deidara: I mean UH! How come Sasuke survived, yeah?

Sasori: Oh well let's see here...He was completely out of chakra, could barely stand, stated that his body was messed up badly after he chidori'd himself...

Deidara: Yeah, yeah?

Sasori: So naturally he summoned Manda, put him under a genjutsu and teleported away. That's also what I would have done if I didn't have chakra left.

Deidara: UN! Isn't that a bit unfair that he's so heavily protected by the plot?

Itachi: Uchiha ftw...

Pain: Itachi...know that your fans are the most annoying on the entire internet. They honestly believe you have a chance against me. I took on your entire village ALONE!

Konan: *Cough cough*...Oh who am I kidding, I did nothing...

Itachi: Sharingan ftw bitch. You mad? So what if you can basically create a mini-moon? I've got the Susano'o!

Pain: There is so much wrong with that statement that I don't even know where to begin...

Tsunade: Anyway...how did you all end up here anyway?

Hidan: As previously mentioned, owned by 16-year-old

Pain: I pretty much ragequit.

Deidara: Went out terrorist style, yeah.

Kisame: I ate myself.

*Eeeeuuh...*

Itachi: I sacrificed myself so that my little brother would get stronger, thus increasing the Uchiha wank and my own fanbase.

Hashirama: Yeah that worked out well...

Sasori: I also pretty much ragequit.

Kakuzu: I got hit by solidified plot no jutsu.

Konan: Tobi killed me.

Deidara: Wait, what?!


	7. Chapter 7

Minato: Alright! I'm sure our beloved fans will get tired of all the old jokes regarding Senju DNA, the Uchiha and Tobirama's utter inability to do anything.

Tobirama: You're doing it again.

Minato: Couldn't help myself. Anyway, what do you propose we do?

Hiruzen: Not making fun of the Uchiha? This is going to be a short meeting.

Hashirama: We could always make fun of pairings? Let me get started...*cough cough*...Why are Spanish speaking people so obsessed with Sasuke and Sakura getting shacked up?

Tsunade: WOAH Grandpa!

Tobirama: You can't involve real nations and people! Do you know how easily offended people are these days?

Hashirama: But I didn't even say anything negative!

Minato: Not the point old man! Now we'll get swarmed by dozens of angry people explaining why we're going to hell, why their culture is superior and blah blah blah! Oh the humanity!

Hashirama: But seriously! All their stories are about Sakura and Sasuke!

Hiruzen: Will you shut up already! Never mention another nation again! Especially not anything they might do or say! This is the 21st century we're talking about!

Hashirama: Iceland...

Tsunade: GET HIM!

Hashirama: USAGermanyFranceAustraliaSou thAfrica AAAH!

*Epic fight no jutsu*

*One minute later*

Hiruzen: *Claps hands* Well now that he's incapacitated, why DO people love the Sakura and Sasuke pairing so much?

Minato: Because people get off on seeing weak women chasing emo guys who treat them like crap?

Tobirama: Yeah I mean it's in like every anime known to man.

Tsunade: Well both of them have about the same personality as wet plastic, maybe that has something to do with it?

Hiruzen: I think since they have no personalities to speak of, people fill in the gaps...Although Hinata and Naruto is not much better. Her spine might as well be a single wet noodle.

Tobirama: Yeah, I mean, why is it always the woman chasing the man? That's not like real life...right?

Minato: Oh, Tobirama, you sad little individual...

Tsunade: Well Jiraiya chased me...

Hiruzen: For entertainment purposes only, even if it was sad when he died, it was all done for the sake of teh lulz. So that doesn't count.

Tobirama: Well Naruto is chasing Sakura.

Minato: For unknown reasons. Seriously, do we even know why? They have barely had a normal conversation that doesn't involve little precious Sasuke-kun.

Tsunade: I wonder why no one in this entire world is homosexual...

Hashirama: bcsitsfrmjpn!

Tsunade: Grandpa stop being such a racist!

Hashirama: btiddntsyanythbd!

Minato: You know a pairing I can get behind? Shikamaru and Temari...they're acting like the stupid idiots love usually turns you into. Too bad they're supporting characters.

Hiruzen: Yeah...but do you think that'll ever be expanded upon? I mean they haven't had any interaction since the beginning of Shippuden. And everything about the past is quickly forgotten 'round these parts.

Tsunade: Oh I'm sure it won't be forgotten...Just like Tobirama's reign.

Tobirama: Oh, okay, here we go again. The five minutes of respite are over.

Tsunade: Pretty much.

Minato: Oh well, at least I scored the only redhead in this show! And we were actually cute together! I also believe I'm the only guy who has ever been shown cooking in the entire series, besides Ramen Guy of course!

Tsunade: Oh, all those Tobi theories wasted...I wanted him to be the Ramen Guy...

Hiruzen: Hm...yeah the women are often in the kitchen aren't they?

Hashirama: I know why...

Tsunade: Grandpa is free! Damn overpowered trees no jutsu!

Tobirama: Get him before he can continue making racist remarks!

Hashirama: You think you can stop my TREES?! You're out of your minds! Everyone knows trees are the ultimate weapon in this universe! ... For some reason!

Hiruzen: *Chainsaw sound*

Hashirama:...Fuck...


	8. Chapter 8

Madara: ...ffffuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK 

*Crash*

Hiruzen: Oh, you're back. Please, join us, we're having a whiskey-and-poker-night.

Madara: Why do I get the distinct impression you're not surprised to see me here?

Hiruzen: Because you're a bad guy in Naruto?

Tobirama: Because your hair would eventually get in your line of sight?

Hashirama: Because you can't control my DNA?

Tsunade: Because you're far from unique...you've been hyped up brutally just like every major villain before you?

Minato: Because if everything else failed, my son would remind you of Hashirama and your soul would be at peace?

Madara: I forgot how much I hate all of you, and that comes from a guy who actually INHERITS hatred. Nice to see you here too, Tsunade. How are the legs treating you?

Tsunade: How's my grandfather's face treating your chest?

Madara:...Touché...I need to get back from this somehow...Oh! Tobirama, still useless?

Tobirama: Aw man...

Minato: So are you going to tell us what happened or are we just going to assume our guesses were correct?

Madara: You've been waiting for this haven't you? Fine, what do you think happened?

Hashirama: Kakashi managed to persuade Obito to redeem himself and they double-kamui'd you.

Tobirama: Naruto finished it with a Rasengan and awesome music.

Hiruzen: Something about Sasuke, I'm sure.

Minato: I'm betting my son stopped you with the Konoha 11, although Rikudo knows how seeing as they've been shown to be nothing but fodder recently. Heh, remember when Neji was a genius?

Tsunade: Oh yeah...anyway, I think your soul got put to rest somehow.

Madara: And correct! It was the double kamui! Hashi-baby has got it right, although I shouldn't be surprised.

Hashirama: Oh...Maddie-chan...

Minato: So what happened to Obito?

Hiruzen: Yeah I can't imagine him surviving after everything he did. Poor Kakashi, I don't think I've ever seen someone get mindfucked so thoroughly. This is all your fault Minato!

Minato: I thought we all agreed this wasn't my fault!

Tobirama. YOU said it wasn't your fault. We all think you're to blame here buddy.

Minato: I thought my word was law?

Madara: And I thought I was unstoppable but apparently not. Oh well, I must say I've missed your big TV. Oh, and I suspect Obito is saying his goodbyes and proclaiming how he was fooled by me and how he really was a good guy who just really wanted to see Rin once more and declares that he will meet her again in the next life now and tell Kakashi to move on. He should be here in 3...2...1...

Obito: Hey guys!

Madara: Why didn't you crash?!

Obito: What?

Tsunade: So how did you die, Obito?

Obito: Zero chakra.

*Silence*

Obito: What?

Hiruzen: Let me get this straight...you can control the Gedo Mazo, six Tailed Beasts simultaneously, spam Kamui, fight a round of Taijutsu, use your eyes constantly and make a few Fire Jutsu without even panting...but when you used your last Kamui...?

Obito: Yepp, I died.

Hiruzen: What the hell?!

Minato: That sucks, I sort of wanted you to live you know.

Obito: Sort of? I WAS YOUR STUDENT!

Minato: Who caused a WAR! What's with you Uchiha?! You're worse than Tsunade during her time of the month!

Tobirama: Before this can escalate any further: Obito, what would you have done if you had survived?

Obito: Hm...probably look up that Sakura girl, I hear she was this generation's Rin.

*Laughter*

Obito: What?!

Minato: Man I really DID fail...wow...

Hashirama: This is priceless!

Madara: Why did I ever train you Obito?!

Obito: I hate you guys...

Minato: Welcome to the club!

Hiruzen: So what would you have done if your Moon Eye Plan worked, Madara?

Madara: I have no idea you know...it just sounded really sweet. I would probably have replayed that fight against Hashirama over and over...

Obito: Okay...not creepy at all...you left out those details when you told me about the plan.

Madara: Like I didn't know you only agreed because of Rin?

Obito: What do you mean?

Madara: Remember all those nights you thought I was sleeping?

Obito: Yeah...?

Madara: I wasn't.

Obito:...Oh God why...


	9. Chapter 9

Hiruzen: Alright! Proudest moment as Hokage? Which is the best one?

Tobirama: Uh...

Minato: Yeah that was probably when I singlehandedly defended the village against the fox, owned the Masked Man...

Tsunade: Obito...

Minato: THE MASKED MAN and saved the day! I'm also the father of the man who is the best defender of the world - all because of the powers I sealed within him!

Tsunade: Oh I think it's a draw between healing the entire village and defending Naruto, Jiraiya and Shizune from Orochimaru by knocking him around like a ragdoll.

Hashirama: I founded the entire village so yeah...I also defended it from Maddie-baby.

Tobirama: I...uh...

Minato: You can say it, you did nothing.

Tobirama: I DID STUFF!

Hiruzen: Like...?

Tobirama: Well...I did sacrifice myself so you could go on and live...

Hashirama: Dude...you lost against 20 ninja.

Tsunade: The Third Raikage could supposedly hold his own against 10.000 on his own. Not to mention Onoki who would've annihilated 20 people faster than we can say "Tobirama is useless"!

Tobirama: Still heroic!

Hiruzen: I bet I could've taken them on my own...

Minato: Tobirama, how did you ever become Hokage?

Tobirama: Well...Hashirama is my brother...

Minato: Oh sweet Rikudo...

Tobirama: Let's just move on!

Hiruzen: Oh I think it was when I defended the village from an Edo version of my two teachers and my star pupil. I took them on simultaneously, handed their asses to them on a plate and made Orochimaru run away like a baby after I sealed his arms.

Tsunade: You still died old man.

Hiruzen: I defended the village singlehandedly like Minato and Hashirama, except I did it against two of the strongest Ninja the world has ever seen...

Tobirama: Thank you!

Hiruzen: I was talking about Hashirama and Orochimaru, but let me clarify: against two of the most powerful Ninja the world has ever seen and Tobirama.

Tobirama: I hate you all so much...

Hiruzen: And I'm still not considered the strongest Hokage.

Hashirama: Problem with Orochimaru's jutsu buddy.

Hiruzen: SHUT UP! It so wasn't! You had access to all your powers, the ANBU outside (who for some reason were just sitting there instead of TRYING to do something...) and even OROCHIMARU were impressed with your powers. I swear this recent hype of Hashirama's powers just doesn't make any sense at all...

Hashirama: Trees are overpowered in this world. Y u so mad bro?

Minato: So, I saved the village against the Fox, my old Senju-powered student, Hiruzen against Hashirama and Orochimaru...

Tobirama: Hey...

Minato: Tsunade healed every single individual in the village during an attack...although that was proven to be useless later with the Rinne Tensei...

Tsunade: ...Oh yeah...

Minato: And Hashirama defended the village against Madara. But since I think Madara is just the lamest character in this series, and we haven't even seen their battle, I say it's a tie between me and Hiruzen.

Hiruzen: Hashirama was said to be able to control several Tailed Beasts...so I say I win because I handled Hashirama and Orochimaru...oh, and who was the other guy?

Tobirama: Fuck...you.

Minato: Yeah but look at Obito now...

Hiruzen: You do have a point. Alright, a tie it is!

Minato: *Brofist*

Tsunade: That has got to be the first time we ever agreed on something...

Hashirama: Indeed...I'm not sure how to end our meeting now...

Minato: How about we all go and laugh and Madara's ridiculous hair?

Hashirama: I'm there!


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: The following chapter makes fun of Anime fans in general. I remind you all that this is a fanfic written for entertainment purposes only. I do not mean any harm nor do I wish to offend anyone. However, if you think you'd get offended by me making fun of stereotypes, please do not read this chapter. You have been warned.**

Tsunade: You know...guess what I've been thinking about recently.

Minato: About how sharp objects never hit anything in this series?

Hashirama: Except Danzo.

Minato: Oh yeah, that loser...you know, he was made out to be a big deal in the beginning of Shippuden, along with Sai...what the hell happened to that part of the plot?

Hashirama: Overshadowed by Sasuke seeking revenge, because that was apparently more important and appealing than political plots.

Minato: Oh yeah...

Tsunade: *Cough cough*

Hiruzen: I think you've been thinking about how Orochimaru for reasons unknown chose to ignore transplanting DNA into his body while his protégee did it and it increased his power levels by 9001%

Tsunade: No, Tobirama?

Tobirama: Hm...Why earth chakra is weak to lightning when it's the opposite in real life?

Tsunade: No...I've been thinking about Anime fans and their desire to learn Japanese.

Hashirama: Wait, you can name countries and fans but when I do it, I get tied up?

Tsunade: Ssh, grampa, that meeting was so long ago.

Hashirama: It wasn't even two weeks ago!

Hiruzen: Want me to tie him up again Tsunade?

Tsunade: He might make racist remarks...

Hashirama: OH COME ON!

Tsunade: Anyway...why do people feel the need express themselves in Japanese?

Minato: Ooh Tsunade-sama! Don't you understand? It's because it comes more naturally to them than their native language!

Tsunade: Oh Minato-chan! How could I ever forget that?

Hiruzen: Hashirama-sensei, Shodai Hokage-sama! Why do people insist on speaking a language which they'll most likely never learn, not to mention pronounce correctly?

Hashirama: Well Hiruzen-kun, you see, people love it when they know a few words in another language and willfully ignore the fact that they're just throwing in a few words in a sentence to make it sound "foreign" and "more culturally correct".

Tobirama: Nii-san, I think you're going to singlehandedly piss off a very large amount of people.

Tsunade: Not to mention the fact that we'll get dozens of messages explaining why we're wrong and that they speak Japanese just like a native...

Minato: People always flatter themselves when it comes to languages. I think people underestimate just how many words you need to know in order to actually be able to speak fluently. And then there's the grammar.

Hashirama: Bah, who cares about messages...hey, let's double those messages, let's use the wrong honorifics! Our fans will be so pissed!

Minato: Sure thing Shodai-kun! Nidaime-chan, how's your new water jutsu coming along?

Tobirama: Thank you for asking Minato-senpai! I just figured out that I should also ahve access to Senju DNA, so I just increased the power level of the jutsu and it worked. Strange how simple things are these days huh?

Tsunade: I agree with Tobirama-san! Although isn't it strange how i didn't inherit Shodai-sama-senpai-sensei's DNA?

Hiruzen: That, Lady Fifth-kun, is something known as Plot no Jutsu. Apparently we lived in a world where one could implant DNA into oneself and get their powers, but one couldn't inherit it like...you know...in real life.

Tsunade: Wow Hiruzen-chan, thanks for explaining that to me. Also, on the topic of doing things traditionally Japanese, let me just go back into the kitchen in skimpy clothing and make you all dinner.

Minato: Gee, thanks Tsunade-sensei!

Tobirama: Hey, think our fans are still reading?

Hashirama: They left as soon as they were offended, buddy. People who think they can speak Japanese fluently just because they can add honorifics are like the Uchiha of the real world.

Hiruzen: Best. Meeting. Ever!


	11. Chapter 11

Tsunade: Wood Dragon? Really grandpa?

Hashirama? What?

Minato: God you're SO LAME!

Hashirama: What?! It's practical!

Hiruzen: How does it being a dragon help at all?!

Hashirama: You see, now it can bind Tailed Beasts...

Tobirama: But why does it need to be a dragon for that? Why does it need a head...and eyes?

Hashirama: Because...it's cool?

Minato Maybe if we hadn't seen thousands of dragons already!

Tsunade: Speaking of things we've already seen before...Minato, you and your students really suck.

Minato: What?!

Hiruzen: Your emo student just waltz into town...

Tobirama: ...Without anyone seeing him...

Hashirama: ...And Kakashi spills super Ninja secrets of doom...about you...to a grave...

Tsunade: ...And then you're killed by your emo student, leaving your teamkilling student the only one supposedly alive...

Hiruzen: ...And now they're fighting each other. You screwed up big time!

Minato: Hey, I thought we were making fun of Hashirama's Wood Dragon!

Hashirama: Are we talking about my Jutsu or Little Hashirama?

Tsunade: EUH GRANDPA!

Minato: Okay, horrible mental pictures...please continue making fun of me!

Tobirama: Best. Day. Ever!

Minato: Shut up Aquaman!

Tobirama: Aw...

Hiruzen: So...anyone else disappointed with Nagato?

Hashirama: "hey im evilz so join me plx?" - "lol ok"

Tsunade: Yeah that's basically what I got out of their conversation as well...

Tobirama: How on earth did Nagato NOT notice a strange old creeper go all Naruto eye surgeon on him? He just woke up one day with godlike powers and thought it was natural?

Minato: You're talking about the Narutoverse...everyone's a prominent eye surgeon here...And Madara probably used a genjutsu - although you're right, wouldn't Nagato have noticed his eyes turning purple and ripple-pattern-y?

Hashirama: Anyone else disappointed with Obito's motives?

Tsunade: Well it makes sense in a weird way, but the guy was like what, 14? I mean sure, it's terrible and everything, but he just decided that she was the love of his life, without her life wasn't worth living, he gave up on everything and everyone and went full-time-criminal?

Minato: I should've just bought him a few dances...maybe that would have helped him...

Tobirama: Or you know...pointed out that he was 13 and he would probably find someone else to love?

Hashirama: This is a manga, age doesn't matter. 16-year-olds are the strongest in the world, a seven-year-old Sasuke decided to spend the rest of his life hunting his brother and being emo.

Hiruzen: I guess you're right...after all we live in a world where sending off 13-year-olds to fight in wars is acceptable.

*Oh yeah...*


	12. Chapter 12

Hashirama: My turn to come up with something to make fun of!

Tsunade: No racism grandpa!

Hashirama: But I didn't even...!

Hiruzen: Yeah yeah whatever, we're not getting any younger!

Tobirama: Actually, I don't think anything happens to us...we're already dead.

Hiruzen: Huh...but why do I still look like an old man and Hashirama looks like a buffed 30-year-old?

Tobirama: Uh-uh...Senju DNA?

Minato: Hah!

Hiruzen: Oh that's so unfair!

Hashirama: Ha...ha...ha...very funny guys, now do you want to play or not?

Tsunade: Sure, it beats listening to Danzo pounding at our doors and trying to get in...

Hashirama: Perfect! This time...we're going to settle who would win a battle scenario, seriously and with facts.

Minato: Seriously and with facts? We don't get paid to do that.

Tobirama: We don't get paid at all, Minato!

*Silence and awkward glances*

Tobirama: You guys get paid?!

Hiruzen: Well, yeah?

Tobirama: WHY DON'T I GET PAID?!

Hashirama: Uh, bro...you're not even supposed to be on the show...they just let you on because you're my brother.

Tobirama: Oh man...

Tsunade: Anyway grandpa, that doesn't sound too bad!

Hashirama: I'm not done...one of the contestants have to act like a fanboy...

Tsunade: Oh dear...

Hashirama: To Itachi Uchiha!

Tsunade: That's impossible!

Hiruzen: Yeah, Hashirama you know as well as any of us that Uchiha fanboys can't discuss with facts.

Hashirama: We don't know until we've tried...Minato! You're an Uchiha fanboy! I'll be supporting...hm...Jiraiya!

Minato: Oh, so I have to go up against my teacher and I have to play a fanboy? Best meeting ever!

Hashirama: Alright, let's begin! - I think we can all agree that Jiraiya has a superior chakra reserve...

Minato: Sharingan.

Hashirama: He has many summons and can enter sage mode.

Minato: Sharingan.

Hashirama: And...and he was a master sealer and ninjutsu user...

Minato: Sharingan.

Hashirama: Honestly Minato! Use facts!

Minato: I am...according to Uchiha fanboys!

Hashirama: Don't you have any other arguments?

Minato: Hm...Tsukuyomi?

Hashirama: But...but all Jiraiya has to do is not look into his eyes and...

Minato: lol tszykymoi bitch y u so mad bro cuz uchiha rule ftw cant do ennything!

Tsunade: Well he's got the fanboy part down...

Hiruzen: I'll say!

Tobirama: I concur!

Hashirama: Hm...maybe this wasn't such a good idea...

Minato: hahaha lol u fall bfr the uchiha powah! u fag noob!

Hiruzen: I think you can stop now Minato.

Minato: Wow that was fun! And people actually act like that for real?

Hashirama: Mm-hm...

Minato: Ah...I love the internet...


	13. Chapter 13

Minato: My turn to pick today's topic!

Tobirama: Actually I believe it's my...

Minato: I could've sworn I heard a fly buzzing. Oh well, back to the sexiest man alive, me.

Tobirama: Aw...I'm no fly...

Minato: Jinchuriki. I mean, what the hell?

Hiruzen: How eloquent, what do you mean?

Tsunade: Yeah, like you're one to judge Jinchuriki Goldilocks, you jammed the most powerful Tailed Beast into your boy with your last breath.

Minato: And now he's saving the world. You're welcome.

*Grumble grumble no jutsu*

Minato: What I mean is...there are supposedly nine Tailed Beasts, which all belonged to the TEN TAILS (why isn't it called the 45-Tails?!). This was all apparently legendary and people were chosen to be Jinchuriki rather systemtically, right?

Hashirama: Your point is?

Minato: Why didn't we hear about this until that old bag of wrinkles came along out of nowhere in early Shippuden?

Tsunade: Lady Chiyo, my supposed rival who had never been mentioned before?

Minato: The very one!

Tobirama: Now that you mention it, it was kind of a big deal that Gaara and Naruto were the only ones with demons sealed within them...

Hiruzen: Not to mention Gaara's monster was supposed to be the desert spirit of a dead priest...sealed in a jar of tea?

Tsunade: And the host became an insomniac...what the hell...yeah it was completely different!

Minato: I know right! And now they're apparently part of a set, which had never been mentioned by anyone. One would think that an organized defense pact between all the great nations would have been a PRETTY big deal...

Tobirama: What I don't understand is how they were the best weapons in the village. I mean, they were treated badly, were often crazy but could wield uncontrolable power when they got angry. How was anyone supposed to direct that power at the enemy?

Hiruzen: Not to mention prevent the host from snapping in the middle of the street.

Tsunade: Well that's easy...what I mean is...wow...that IS a horrible idea! How has this not backfired yet?

Minato: You mean like an organization trying to systematically capturing them all is not a failure?

Tsunade:...I see your point.

Hiruzen: Another point though...Hashirama...how could you control them?

Hashirama: Trees.

Hiruzen: What?

Hashirama: Well...I think that was how. I don't know...I could apparently control several beasts, and then I gave them all away to create peace by jamming demons into children.

Tobirama: You're an awful, awful man!

Minato: And you could stop Tailed Beasts with...trees?

Hashirama: Yupp! Haven't you noticed? Trees are the ultimate weapon in this series!

Tsunade: I don't understand what makes unstable child soldiers so powerful. Especially since a whole bunch of Ninja can apparently go toe-to-toe with Tailed Beasts. What's the point of having them, then?

Tobirama: And how can they revive the Ten Tails...

Minato: 45-Tails.

Tobirama:...The 45-Tails with a...whole bunch of tails missing?

Hashirama: Pure Plot no Jutsu! Why wasn't Orochimaru the real villain instead of Kabuto, who got his powers absorbed anyway? What was the point?

Hiruzen: Well...I'm sure there are logical reasons for this!

Tsunade: And why did they cancel the flashbacks before we found out why Rin died?!

Minato: Guys guys, I've got the perfect explanation for this! Just listen...

*Beeeeeep*

Obito: Come on Madara, you said we could join them from the outside with this machine!

Madara: It's not working, our Senju DNA is not enough!

Danzo: I told you, you could join my club!

Obito and Madara: Shut up Danzo!

Danzo: Aw...

-

Minato: And there you have it folks!

Tsunade: It all makes sense now!

Hashirama: I can't believe I hadn't thought of that before!

Tobirama: Thank you Minato!

Hiruzen: Wow, I sure am glad our readers could take part of my students wisdom!

*Troll Jutsu Ending!*


	14. Chapter 14

Tobirama: Hey guys! Wouldn't it be hilarious if...!

Minato: No.

Tobirama: But I've got this great idea that...

Hashirama: Sleeping, bro.

Tobirama: But I never get to initiate a meeting!

Minato: And I hope to keep it that way.

Tobirama: That is so unfair! What have I ever done to you!

Hiruzen: Nothing, that's...sort of the problem.

Tsunade: Now shut up before you spend the night out with Danzo!

Tobirama: I'll be good!


	15. Chapter 15

Hiruzen: So what the hell was that last meeting about?

Hashirama: I believe that would qualify as a filler.

Tobirama: I'd call it bullying...

Tsunade: Ah yes...'fillers', a series of horrible episodes allegedly allowing the manga to get ahead...We have dismissed such claims. Fillers are like the source of all evil in the world.

Hashirama: I thought that was the Ten Tails?

Minato: 45-Tails*

Hashirama: Huh?

Minato: Do the math.

Hashirama:...Oh sweet mercy you're right!

Tsunade: Actually I think I've found the real source of all evil this time.

Tobirama: Do tell!

Tsunade: Kakko!

Hashirama: Who?

Minato: Yeah what loser is that?

Tsunade: The mofo with the ugly haircut your students went up against...the one who broke down the cave which crushed Obito.

Minato: I fail to see how he's the source of all evil because of that.

Tsunade: Allow me to put it this way: if Kakko hadn't existed, you would probably still have been the Hokage.

Minato: Wow...wow...my brain is totally messed up right now!

Madara: I think you're forgetting someone!

Hashirama: Nope. No one comes to mind!

Madara: But I've got Senju DNA!

Hashirama: Bitch please...

Hiruzen: Yeah Madara we're Kakko fanboys now. Sorry about that.

Tsunade: Yeah without Lord Kakko you wouldn't have been able to pull all that shit off.

Tobirama: To Lord Kakko!

*Cheers*

Hiruzen: Anyway, back to fillers...Why do you think they are so awful, Tsunade-sama-senpai-san?

Tsunade: Well let's see here...All the villains are the same, the plot is ridiculously generic and easy to figure out, nothing important can ever happen in fillers because it can't interfere with the manga, filler plots and characters with some redeeming qualities are never heard from ever again.

Minato: And all the filler girls have gigantic breasts.

Tsunade: What are you talking about, EVERYONE has gigantic breasts in Naruto! I think all the 13-year-olds will be disappointed when they realize women generally don't walk around with 'assets' the size of basketballs! Not to mention the fact that the FUCKING DEFY GRAVITY! I'm serious, let's have a look at Hinata being healed after trying to save Naruto from Pain. And heeeeere we go...!

Hiruzen: Oh, wow...

Hashirama: Yeah something's definitely wrong there.

Minato: What the hell she's like...16 or something!

Hiruzen: Yeah because having 13-year-olds as child soldiers is much more acceptable.

Tobirama: Anyway...maybe she's just wearing a really good bra?

Tsunade: Please, with tits like that (on a shy girl, I might add, we've never seen that before!) they'd fucking fall down into the armpits.

Minato: Oh god my beautiful mind! This is even worse than that time we talked about Hashirama's wood dragon!

Hashirama: You mean little Hashi?

Minato: Aaaargh!

Tobirama: Anyway...I actually sort of like fillers...

Minato: Figures!

Hiruzen: Actually I'm with Tobirama on this one.

Minato: Traitor!

Hiruzen: I mean, they sort of flesh out characters a bit more which is dearly needed if we're being totally honest...

Tsunade: Yeah but it's not like Kishimoto will ever bring that up again, ever...

Hiruzen: *Sigh* true...true...

Tsunade: Although I will admit that the arm wrestling scene with me and the Raikage was pretty darn badass.

Hiruzen: Oh I quite agree.

Tobirama: Group hug?

Hashirama: Yeah I think I'm in the mood for one of those.

*And thus this meeting ends on amicable terms, with Hashirama ruffling Minato's hair, Hiruzen giving Tobirama the man-hug of the ages and Tsunade being a good little anime girl and worries about her tits being big enough while she prepares sandwiches in a skimpy outfit. And all was well in the Anime world. For now.*

-

AN: I am obviously joking with Tsunade in that last part. I am, of course, not a sexist...I am merely exaggerating gender roles in anime, which my views do not reflect.

I also want to give a special thank you to my regular reviewers. You guys are the best! Truly, your kind words humble me!

The last chapter was short because it would lead fittingly into this chapter - a chapter about fillers. If you think I am losing my touch, then you are wrong, and I am still hilarious. I am always right, in the end.

Also, I think it's high time I started asking some questions here:

1 - Do you have a favorite out of the Hokage yet? Or is it even anyone in the Senju-DNA-Sharingan-Club?

2 - Is there anything you thinkI should bring up? Be it a battle scenario or something that bothers you about Naruto? Ask away!


	16. Chapter 16

Minato: Oh come on Kakashi! Stop having a flashback in the middle of a fight!

Hiruzen: Obito is attacking your student while he is having a flashback! Can we do that?

Tsunade: Aren't we supposed to? We're Ninja after all! I thought we were supposed to use poisons and shadows and dirty tricks and stuff, not be Goodie Two-Shoes! I say good job Minato!

Hashirama: But, no matter how you look at it, Minato's students are killing each other...So no matter what, one will be defeated.

Tsunade: So...Minato did alright or...?

Hashirama: I have no idea...

Tobirama: Kakashi's chakra seems to be restored at an incredible pace...

Minato: Oh yeah, that's a trick I taught him.

Tobirama: What trick?

Minato: Plot no Jutsu!

Tobirama: By Kakko-Sama-Senpai-Kun!

Hiruzen: Minato, you broke the rules! You can't teach someone Plot no Jutsu!

Minato: Well I say Obito shouldn't be allowed to attack someone who is having flashbacks and inner monologues! That's just rude!

Tsunade: He's got a point...the number one rule in our world is to let everyone speak their mind or come up with tactics.

Hiruzen: Don't forget we have awful hearing as well. We never hear the plans of our enemies even if we're about 10 meters apart.

Hashirama: Yeah, good thing too...I'd hate having to whisper or lower my voice. I'd rather my enemy heard about my plans!

Minato: Aye!

Tobirama: Well now we don't really need plans do we? Why should we when all we 'Ninja' ever do is dropping meteors and spawning forests?

Madara: _Damn straight!_

Tobirama: You're still not welcome in here! Go back to your little club!

Madara: _Our club is so much better than yours! We've got Sharingan and Senju DNA_!

Tobirama: Your club is not better!

Madara:_ It is!_

Tobirama: It is not!

Madara: _It is! Danzoooo, Tobirama is being mean!_

Danzo: _Ssh...don't play with them, we've got our own club now. Which is far superior!_

...

Hashirama: And those guys kept the Ninja world at bay all by themselves?

Minato: Pretty much...and one of them in that 'club' was my student.

Hiruzen: This series has got to end, and soon...I can't stand the one-man-armies...especially not when they're uninteresting, obnoxious twats!

Tobirama: Hey I actually like the fact that Tobi is Obito...but he was 14 when he decided that he didn't care about anything? He has some serious denial issues.

Minato: Not to mention the fact that the word 'care' might as well have been written on his forehead.

Hashirama: Indeed. And Hashirama is just boring, to be honest. We get it, he knows everything and is all-powerful. Just like every villain in the history of ever. Can he just die now so we can move on, please?

Tsunade: I'll drink to that!

*Cheers!*

Madara: _I hate you guys..._


	17. Chapter 17

Minato: Knock knock.

Hashirama: I know you're like, 12, but seriously?

Minato: KNOCK KNOCK.

Hashirama: *Sigh*...Who's there?

Minato: A delivery man.

Hashirama: Delivering what?

Minato: A RASENGAN!

*Crash*

Hashirama: What the hell man?!

Minato: Come on! We're all dead! We can actually fight each other! Why haven't we done this already? It's not like something bad will happen!

Tsunade: You know that something extraordinarily stupid will happen now just because you said that right?

Tobirama: Yeah you jinxed it!

Hiruzen: I'm with Minato, actually. TAKE THIS YOU FUZZY-ARMOR-WEARING-FREAK!

*Kick, crash*

Tobirama: What the hell! Okay, you asked for it! Water style...

Hashirama: Not so fast little brother! Magic tree bind no jutsu, because everyone knows trees are the best weapon in this series!

*Bind*

Tobirama: Omfg teaming! Hax!

Minato: So this is what it comes down to, Tobirama already out of the game, which we all expected...

Tobirama: I swear I'll kill you one day...

Minato: A four man free for all...

Tsunade: Count me out.

Hiruzen: What, why?

Tsunade: I was never even given a chakra nature, and healing won't do much good here. Have you forgotten that I am a female character in Naruto?

*Oh yeah...*

Minato: I feel so sorry for you...

Tsunade: I've had a few years to get used to it...

Hiruzen: Anyway...

Hashirama: MORE TREES! Wood Dragon or whatever no jutsu!

Hiruzen: Summoning - CHAINSAW NO JUTSU!

Hashirama: I THOUGHT THAT WAS A JOKE!

Hiruzen: I never joke about chainsaws! Now DIE!

Hashirama: I'm already dead, and you can't defeat my wood dragon!

Hiruzen: We have already agreed on the fact that it being a dragon doesn't do shit. Look at this.

*Chops Dragon's head off*

Hashirama: Larry! Noooo!

Tobirama: First Bob and now Larry...a sad day for the Senju clan...

Tsunade: You're Senju?

Tobirama: I'M YOUR UNCLE!

Tsunade: Oh yeah...

Minato: RASENGAN!

*Crash*

Hashirama: What happened to my hype?

Tsunade: Oh yeah, that...hype dies quickly here. You've been reduced to our level now.

Hashirama: Oh man...Oh well, I'll just enjoy the show then.

Minato: Oh I already beat him.

Hiruzen: What happened?

Minato: People forgot all about my hype and ta-da, now I'm back on top! Now bow down to me!

Tobirama: You'll just fart in my face again.

Minato: Ah...Nostalgia bomb no jutsu...

Hashirama: So does this mean Mr. Fruitcake is the strongest guy in the world?!

Itachi: Not quite...AMATERASU!

Minato: Oh no! I've been one-hit-ko'd! If only anyone could stand up to the Sharingan and the logic of 13-year-olds!

Itachi: Damn straight. Even if I'm not included in a battle, I'll still win it. Just go to any forum and ask my fans.

Hiruzen: I'd rather watch every single filler twice.

Itachi: I know...my fans are awful...

Danzo: Hey...are you letting Itachi in now?!

Tsunade: He's just part of a bad joke, Danzo. You're still not invited. This is for Hokage only.

Itachi: Yeah I've got to get back now before Pain punishes me with giving Kakuzu another backrub...

*Silence*

Itachi: The guy's like 91 years old!

Minato: Oh well, you and the Akatsuki coming over for nachos and beer on wednsday to make fun of the next chapter?

Itachi: Like always!

*Brofist*

Danzo: This is so unfair...

AN: Yeah a little random chapter, but this is sort of how I figure an all-out would end up. And somewhere along the line, Itachi would join the fray because why the hell not, the guy gets more hype than an American president during election time. HEY-OH! Also, everyone loves the 'Itachi vs Minato' scenario...Am I the only one who thinks they'd be best friends, had circumstances permitted?

So do you guys want to see more of the nefarious Senju DNA- and Sharingan club? Or are they best left alone as sad little geeks trying to get into the cool Hokage club?


	18. Special: AkatsukiHokage Nacho Party

Tsunade: Grandpa, you know the Akatsuki will soon be here, can't you just get dressed and help the rest of us prepare for the evning?

Hashirama: Tsunade, honey, you just don't understand...sometimes a man just needs his own naked time. And when he has his naked time, he must never be interrupted.

Tsunade: Your so called naked time came at an awfully convenient time...Fine, but you're so opening the door, whether your naked time is over or not.

Hashirama: Sure thing.

*Five minutes later*

*Ding dong*

Hashirama: Yeah yeah I got it I got it...

*Open*

Pain: Oh ME why!

Tobirama: You?

Pain: Yeah I'm a God, you know.

Hashirama: Huh? Oh yeah...clothes.

Pain: What's with you and being naked?! This is almost like last time!

Tobirama: Let's just blame it on the Senju DNA and move on.

Pain: But...don't you also have Senju DNA...wait, don't I?

Hashirama: You see! It's no big deal! Now I need to find some clothes, but please, come in!

Itachi: Kisame and I brought sushi!

Kisame: This is so wrong on so many levels.

Itachi: You know if you pass out from drunkeness, I will feed you fish.

Konan: This is even worse than that time you uploaded my teenage ego pictures on the Ninja Community .jutsu!

Itachi: Hey, it's not my fault no one in our gang is genuinely evil. Someone has to stand for the pranks around here.

Konan: Prank? You told everyone in the Akatsuki about it!

Minato: About what?

Itachi: Here's the address where you can find a bunch of teenage pics of Konan *hands note*

Minato: Thanks bro.

Konan: Pain dammit!

Minato: Oh you swear by Pain? That's cool, we go for either Kakko-Sama or the 45-Tails.

Kakuzu: 45-Tails?

Minato: Do the math.

Kakuzu: ...Oh my Kakko-sama you're right!

Hiruzen: Anyway, let's read this chapter, get drunk and scream about what we didn't like about it.

Hidan: Just my kind of party!

*1 hour later*

Hiruzen: I...don't know what to think about that.

Itachi: Well it was the funniest chapter in a while. I actually laughed when the Fox just went "fuck it" and threw Kakashi to Obito.

Kisame: But...I don't get it, his chakra was restored?

Sasori: Yeah?

Kisame: But...wasn't it poisonous? I mean, Sakura basically went from she-hulk back to little annoying fangirl when she was struck by Naruto in the beginning of Shippuden.

Sasori: Sigh...Deidara, help me out here.

Deidara: UH! You see here Kisame my sexy shark-man, yeah, that everything that has happened in the past in Naruto is eligible for change. Things like the Sharingan deriving from the Byakugan and the Sannin actually being of some kind of importance. Yeah...

Tsunade: Hey...

Sasori: Thank you, Deidara. You see, Kisame?

Kisame: Well why did he use that chakra to PUNCH Obito, instead of...I don't know...CUTTING HIM IN HALF?

Kakuzu: Easy, um...apparently you need chakra to stand up and hit people, now?

Minato: Yeah I'm confused about that too...though that punch to Obito's gut did feel really good. HEY OBITO!

Obito: _Yeah?_

Minato: TRY ACTING ALOOF NOW YOU LITTLE WHIMP!

Obito: _Aww..._

Hidan: This is bullshit! Why do I and Tobirama have to sit at a different table?

Kakuzu: That's the kids' table, Hidan:

Hidan: Fuck off! Just because you're older than everyone here doesn't mean you can boss us around!

Kakuzu: Back in my day youngsters had a lot more of respect for their elders...

Tobirama: This is so embarrassing! Come on! Could you at least spare some nachos?

Pain: Here you go - SHINRA TENSEI!

Tobirama: Thanks man, at least someone appreciates us. Cool move by the way.

Pain: Yeah, you'd be surprised how versitile this move is.

Hashirama: So, the 45-Tails, what do you think?

Minato: Well it was PAINFULLY obvious it was going to break loose. The barrier started cracking, they fired a Tailed-Beast Bomb and went with the cliché "did we do it!?". Kakko-Sama! I swear I don't even think anything unexpecting will happen for the rest of the manga.

Tsunade: Usually when someone says that, they're proven dead wrong shortly.

Minato: Bring it on, I'd love some surprises.

Pain: What I don't understand is how they're planning on controlling the most powerful being in the universe. They seem rather confident.

Madara: _You could just ask us! We're just outside you know!_

Pain: I could have sworn I heard a nerd-fly buzz.

Madara:_ Dammit!_

Kakuzu: Well, they've got Senju DNA, apparently that solves everything.

Kisame: And then they'll use their eye jutsu...but, wait, how will they use the Ten-Tails power to do that?

Itachi: Uh-uh? Plug it into the moon?

Konan: Maybe the reason Madara is so cranky about not being revived with the Rinne Tensei is because he can't become a Jinchuriki now? They most likely intend to seal it inside of themselves somehow. Thus granting them the power necessary to fire a super-powered Tsukuyomi.

*Silence*

Hiruzen: Konan, relax! Get drunker and come up with lamer theories!

Konan: Oh fine...

Tsunade: Did anyone catch Madara's pose at the end there?

Sasori: Yeah I think I know where you're going with this, I'll check for you. MADARA!

Madara: Yeah?

Sasori: How many people do you think are currently tossing off to your pose and your lame manga stereotype villain attitude at the moment?

Madara: _27.238 I think. All guys, apparently. I expect it'll get even worse later today!_

Sasori: Thank you!

Deidara: Speaking of stereotypes, did you honestly hear Obito's line at the end?

Itachi: Oh dear Pain I know! Here, allow me toe cast this - DRAMATIC REENACTMENT NO JUTSU!

Deidara: The...CHAKRA! It's GONE! *Overly surprised*

Sasori: Is it...ove-e-r?! *Dramatic panting*

Deidara and Sasori: Yes...this is the end...OF THIS WORLD! *Dramatic cliché*

*Applause and laughter*

Hidan: Well done I say!

Minato: I couldnt have performed better myself!

Kakuzu: I still think it will be interesting to see how they'll handle Obito, Madara AND the 45-Tails.

Tsunade: Either their reinforcement will arrive just in time, or Obito will join the good guys - which is inevitable since everything is pointing in that direction. He has guilt written all over his face and now Naruto is all like 'I see your suffering!'

Tobirama: Yeah but apparently Madara can take on armies by himself, not to mention the 45-Tails.

Kisame: Well if everything goes according to plan, they won't have to deal with the 45-Tails, I guess.

Itachi: I just bet my grandfather will fail.

Deidara: Grandfather, HM?

Itachi: Well all Uchiha are related, but our Sharingan tech are almost exactly the same. And since we all know how Sasuke gets treated, of course he and I are destined to be related to the super hardcore badass of doom.

Kisame: Huh...yeah I see your point.

Hiruzen: Power levels really have messed up this show...

Kakuzu: Yeah...things were better in our time, wasn't it?

Hiruzen: Aye, that it was, come here and give me a hug.

Tsunade: I think the two main questions right now are - Will they actually manage to get the 45-Tails under control and when will Obito betray Madara?

Pain: Yeah, I agree. I also can't wait to see the look on Madara's face when he's defeated. How I shall feed on the tears of upset fanboys.

Itachi: Yeah, I'll come with you when you do that. It sounds like a fun day.

Kakuzu: This was fun everyone, but I think we'd better head back. I can't believe we were all enemies in life.

Minato: That was so long ago, I bet our names are already forgotten by the majority of fans.

Kakuzu: True, true. Oh well, see you!

*Five minutes later, after the normal pleasantries*

Kisame: Well I managed to avoid eating fish at least...

Itachi: Nope, I put you in a genjutsu there for a short while and added some fish in your beer.

Kisame: WHY?!

Itachi: Uchiha ftw lol u mad?

Konan: I like them...can't believe we were at war at them before.

Pain: It seemed like such a good idea at the time...

Sasori: Yeah well...I didn't get to do much you know. I died to SAKURA and my GRANDMOTHER.

Deidara: UH, don't take it too hard, I lost to Sasuke, who survived due to the biggest case of plot armor I've ever seen.

Konan: Let's just not talk about our deaths and go home. Otherwise Itachi will start boas...

Itachi: I remember when I died! And shortly thereafter my fanbase exploded and now everyone think I'm undefeatable...AH, good times!

Hidan: Dammit Sasori and Deidara!


	19. Chapter 19

Danzo: Alright gentlemen, we of the great and powerful 'Senju DNA and Sharingan Club' shall on this day infiltrate the Hokage Club Room so that we may prove to them our badassery, and then they'll beg us to join them in their pointless banter, eh!

Madara: Sounds good boss, what do we do?

Obito: Are we going to use our Senju DNA and Sharingan?

Danzo: Indeed! Let us see how well their door holds against the most powerful weapon in Naruto...TREES! - We'll all conjure a tree along our arms and use it to smash their door to pieces!

Obito: Crikey this is exciting!

Danzo: On the count of three, eh! One, two, THREE!

*Chaaaaarge*

*Crash and epic fail no jutsu!*

Madara: Blimey! What happened?

Minato: Yeah I made it Senju DNA proof just in case you morons would try something, now if you don't mind, we cool guys actually have a job to do here.

Danzo: How did you make a door impervious to three logs crashing down into it at once?!

Minato: Uh-uh, Senju DNA?

Danzo: ...

Obito: Dammit you pommie! This is your fault!

Madara: How very dare you?! I ought to slap you where you stand!

Danzo: Calm down, eh! Fighting will solve nothing! We will have to come up with a new plan for another day!

Madara: You're no fun! I want an ice cream now!

Danzo: You had one yesterday, eh!

Obito: What?! Madara had ice cream yesterday and I didn't?! Danzoooooo!

Danzo: Oh sweet Kakko-Sama...

*Meanwhile, back at the protagonists' part of the story*

Minato: What a bunch of losers. Just as disappointing as this chapter.

Tsunade: Yeah this was just awful...

Hiruzen: How come? I actually quite enjoyed it. Plenty of action, just what an old man needs to feel young and sexy again.

Tsunade: I'll just pretend I didn't hear that last part to save my sanity - ANYWAY - It was hastily written without any real story progression, predictable results and a horrible cliffhanger - we know Killer B won't hit with that giant ball of death...even if he does, it won't hinder the 45-Tails in any way, shape or form.

Tobirama: How do you know?

Tsunade: Please, they hype it up like crazy only to be defeated in one chapter? I think not.

Hashirama: What bothered me most was the fact that Obito already had control of it, and can determine its level of consciousness...great, since when? And how?

Minato: You know, we joke about it a lot, but this time it actually DID look like Senju DNA was the answer...

Tobirama: Oh man...you're right...that's awful.

Minato: Yeaaah...Sucks doesn't it?

Tsunade: The only thing I liked was the fact that it showed Madara and Obito not getting along well. I've said it before and I'll say it again: they've got different motives! Obito's just Madara's bitch, and he's been fooled something fierce!

Obito: _We can still hear you!_

Tsunade: Good, maybe you'll man up when you hear the truth!

Hashirama: Honestly, it feels like I'm reading a certain other manga again, only that this time I'm not eight years old and I don't think explosions and power levels are all that cool anymore.

Tobirama: You really have to stop insulting our readers, brother...but I agree with you this time.

Minato: Yeah, now we have to wait a whole week for actual story progression. We still don't know Rin's story, Naruto's back-up is nowhere to be found (seriously, how long have they been running now?) and the Kage are all but forgotten. Oh well, it could be worse...it could have shifted to Sasuke.

Hiruzen: I know right? Who cares about him at this point? If he comes in to save the day, I might just have to punch a kitty.

Tsunade: You know you could always ask me what happened to me...

Minato: I'd rather just have a soda and not think about this for the moment...hey...who wants to make fun of other fanfictions?!

Tobirama: This is not going to end well...

Hashirama: Oh oh! I want! What's the deal with people writing a jutsu's name in English only to add "no jutsu" at the end? It's ridiculous!

Hiruzen: Omigosh I know right?!

Tobirama: Yeah I'm just gonna go into my 'Shitstorm Fortress' just in case our readers start sending angry PM's.

Tsunade: We've been over this gentlemen, they think they know a language just because they know a few words! Here, I'll end this meting with a demonstration:

*The End no Jutsu*

AN: Not a great Hokage Meeting today simply because I didn't get any inspiration from this week's Naruto chapter. Oh well, at least I can always make fun of other things...

As always, please review and tell me if there's anything you'd like to be brought up in a future Hokage Meeting.

Your reviews make my day!


	20. Hashirama's fanfic!

Minato: Hey guys I finally managed to throw a lasso around my Rasengan so...Where is everyone?

Hashirama: Oh hi! Yeah Tobirama and Tsunade took Hiruzen to the hospital.

Minato: Why didn't you go?

Hashirama: 'Cause I couldn't be assed?

Minato: Oh...wait, aren't we dead?

Hashirama: Yeah but he's still old as hell. Had a heart attack after he saw Tsunade change or something.

Minato: Huh...speaking of overused, was-never-funny perversion, what are you doing?

Hashirama: I'm writing a fanfic!

Minato: You're what?

Hashirama: Yupp, I'm writing a fanfic within a fanfic.

Minato: Our fans will start shouting fanficception! Stop this nonsense!

Hashirama: Never! This is going to be the best fanfic ever!

Minato: Really? How do you figure?

Hashirama: I've spent hours browsing this website, I'm fairly confident I know what I'm doing!

Minato: Alright then, let's see if you have included the basic - Overpowered OC characters?

Hashirama: You know it.

Minato: Making the romance really cheesy or way too sudden?

Hashirama: Is there any other way?

Minato: Boasting about your knowledge of Japanese?

Hashirama: Glossary at the bottom of every chapter.

Minato: Some form of time-travel present?

Hashirama: How can you even ask?

Minato: Confusing the words "to" and "too"?

Hashirama: Almost every sentence.

Minato: Characters having names that vaguely sound Japanese?

Hashirama: Of course.

Minato: Is the pairing obvious from the get-go?

Hashirama: Naruto is on the same team as Hinata here, doesn't get more obvious than that.

Minato: Little to no character progression?

Hashirama: Obviously.

Minato: Does it involve at least one character who is extremely obnoxious and/or emo who everyone loves for unknown reasons?

Hashirama: I wouldn't have it any other way.

Minato: Well then, I daresay your fanfic should fit right in.

Hashirama: I know right? I'll throw in some casual sexism as well since it's not enough of it in Naruto.

Minato: Oh yeah good idea.

Hashirama: Do you think Tobirama would warn us about being pretentious douchebags if he were here?

Minato: Without a doubt, but he isn't here. We can mess with the fans as much as we want now!

Hashirama: Finally! Why does all the Spanish fanfics revolve around Sakura and Sasuke? What is the deal with that? Also why does every Filipino fanfic have an English title? (Seriously, look it up!)

Minato: I don't know! It's like they're a cult or something! And why do people insist on writing things in Japanese when there are no Japanese people on this website?! It's not like everything in Naruto is Japanese, just look at A and Killer B, not to mention "Lazer Circus" or whatever it's called! I'm afraid I will scream at a kitten if I read another fic where the reader needs a fucking glossary to understand the name of the jutsu!

Tobirama: GUYS!

Hashirama and Minato: Oh shit!

Tobirama: Are you upsetting the fanbase again?!

Hashirama and Minato: Um...nooooooo?

Minato: Okay we were soooooort of making fun of everything that came to mind.

Hashirama: But it's for my fanfic, honest!

Tobirama:...You should've told me! I want to get in on making fun of our fans!

Hashirama and Minato: Really?

Tobirama: Yeah, for instance, why do manga characters have to eat so much? Why is it funny? It wasn't funny when I was eight and it isn't funny now!

Hashirama and Minato: I know right?!

Tobirama: Also, do you think there's any serious fanfic out there that doesn't mention Ichiraku Ramen?

*And so, the former Hokage made fun of their own universe and its fans for several hours until Tsunade could stop them. Hashirama's trees were useless - they are trees after all.*

-

_**AN:**__ Yeah I think I might get banned from this website for this chapter, but I'm just fooling around, as usual. I mean no offense, of course._

_I was about to write 'about as much character progression as Pokémon' but I just couldn't. I actually recently read the Pokémon manga and it was much better than I expected. Hell, the protagonist in one part of the series is a girl of 14 years and she's fully dressed and doesn't have huge breasts! Of course when she was 12 she was disguised as a guy but still! It's pretty darn impressive...I believe that's the first time I've seen a girl in a manga that is actually deserving of the 'protagonist' title._

_I'm serious, read the 'Yellow' part of the Pokémon manga and then compare Yellow to Sakura, or any other girl in Naruto. Go on, I'll wait._

_Oh, and sure, Sakura is also fully clothed and doesn't have breasts the size of my head but she's basically there as an average love-interest for Naruto and she doesn't do crap - she has done ONE thing of importance and that was taking down Sasori with Lady Chiyo. If you disagree, please watch season one one more time._

_Also, you may have noticed I make a lot of fun of the Uchiha. That is because they're awfully portrayed and their genericness is unfathomable. If you like the Uchiha, please describe why so that I may understand this incomprehensible phenomenon. Also, please include your age, since I'm convinced you cannot like the Uchiha if you're like, older than 15._


	21. Hashirama's fanfic II

Hashirama: Psst, hey, Minato! Tobirama! Tsunade went to visit the old man in the hospital, want to continue writing my fanfic?

Tobirama & Minato: Would we ever!

Minato: Wait..."old man"...aren't you supposed to be his teachers?

Tobirama: Yeah but he's the only one who looks old up here - besides, you and Tsunade call him old man all the time. It's contagious.

Minato: But if you were his teachers, aren't you supposed to visit him in the hospital like Tsunade?

Hashirama: Nah, Tsunade and Hiruzen share a special bond. They're teacher and pupil you know...that's closer than any other bond in this world!

Minato: Well I guess...wait...what?

Hashirama: Anyway, let's move on with my story! How should I improve it further?

Minato: Oh, oh! You should turn Naruto...

Tobirama: Your son...

Minato: Into a VAMPIRE!

Tobirama: What?

Minato: Or a werewolf, that works too.

Tobirama: So including Indo-European legends into a Japanese story is alright but English names which are already present in the Narutoverse is a no-go?

Hashirama: Exactly!

Tobirama:...What?!

Hashirama: But I like the touch! People will surely love the twist! It's so original!

Tobirama:...No? For some reason it's common on this site. And contrary to popular belief, Twilight has nothing to do with it.

Hashirama: But how will I make it fit into my time-traveling, Naruto-joins-Hinata's-team, misspelled horrible mess of a fic?

Minato: You should include it in the summary...make not-so-vague descriptions about something like "dark secret". Be sure to mention it like three times.

Hashirama: Oh I do like that...

Tobirama: Oh come on! This is your first fic right? Then you must express zero confidence in your abilities. Your summary should be something like "i not used tu writn and not good at summryhs plz just reed"

Hashirama: Hm...choices, choices...I should just try to appeal to the American audience since they're everywhere on this site. I'm pretty sure Japan and America are secret lovers or something.

Minato: Americans are usually also the ones who think they know everything about a language or another culture. But we've already covered this several times. Still, you gotta love their accent. "ARR-i-GEY-to, Sakoora-cha-an!"

Tobirama: "Oh, this manga is so Asian!"

Hashirama: "Oh this food is so European!"

Minato: I'm fairly confident some of our American readers won't even understand the problem with what you just said.

Hashirama: True, and now they're frustrated and trying to figure out what the hell we mean.

Tobirama: Ah, mind games...

Minato: So, why exactly are there no Japanese around here? One would think, given all of our prejudice and false knowledge, that they'd basically live on this site.

Tobirama: Maybe they all left after seeing how brutally their language was treated?

Hashirama: Or you know...no matter how good a writer, you can't draw a hot chick with just letters.

Tobirama: Also, 10-year-old protagonists are harder to come across here than in Japanese manga. Seriously, I'm starting to think Might Guy represents the Japanese people in Naruto...everyone seems to be as obsessed about youth as he is.

Minato: "I'm going on an adventure to save the world, bye mom!" - "Okay sweetie, just be back by bedtime!"

Hashirama: It's like they don't even understand that most kids that age usually still play with toys! It's not like they'd be able to make life-changing or world-changing decisions by that age! Much less be a diabolical mastermind which they sometimes are.

Tobirama: Not to mention the fact that when they get a bit older, they'll only be able to think of one particular thing for several years. Not that there's any lack of THAT in Japanese society.

Minato: Ouf...lucky there's no one here to offend.

Tobirama: You're right...We have to make fun of another large group of fanfic readers!

Hashirama: Let's see here...Canadians are too nice...We already covered the Philippines...Singapore, anyone?

Minato: What the hell? Sing to porn?

Hashirama: No, Singapore...you know...city-state, 5.4 million people, super rich, beautiful, hotter-than-hell-all-year-'round and still speak English with slang from the 70's?

Minato: Pff, if we're going to shamelessly appeal to the American audience, we can't make fun of a country that they've probably never heard about. Remember, they're Americans...We'll have to talk about a country that has at least 50 million people in it and/or has been the cause of something extremely bad/good!

Tobirama: You mean like how people still think the Germans are all nazi despite being one of the dominant economic powers in the world while still being ridiculously polite, interesting and well-mannered?

Minato: Exactly! But this has gotten way too informative, we need some kind of funny diversion...Quick, Hashirama, write something funny!

Hashirama: Oh...ah...Do you think we'll be seeing more Senju DNA tomorrow?

Minato: That's an old joke, and of course we'll be seeing Senju DNA! It's Naruto! They're LITERALLY controlling that world's equivalent of a God with YOUR DNA SHOOTING OUT OF THEIR BACKS!

Tobirama: That's actually kind of disgusting...

Minato: Whatever, I'm gonna see if I can't pay Yellow a visit.

Hashirama: What's with you and that 14-year-old? If you like her so much you should just marry her!

Minato: Believe me I've looked into it...

Hashirama: Ew!

Tobirama: Well...you're Japanese, isn't it just considered sexy when having sex with minors?

Minato:...By Kakko-Sama you're right!

Hashirama: TREES NO JUTSU!

Minato: Dammit! Let me go!

Hashirama: I'm going to use this fanfic to make fun of stereotypes, not to promote pedophilia!

Minato: Oh come on! Everyone knows I was joking!

Hashirama: This is the internet, Minato, people will jump to conclusions and assume the worst about anything. Also, think of the children.

Minato: I thought that was part of the problem...?

Hashirama: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!

Minato: Fine, fine, jeez. I haven't forgotten Kushina you know. Speaking of which, should we go visit our wives Hashirama?

Hashirama: That sounds delightful, wanna tag along Tobirama?

Tobirama: Oh...yeah...my wife...uh...

Minato: You don't have one do you?

Tobirama: Minato, I've been in like five panels in this entire fucking series, of course I don't have a wife. I'm known for splashing around in water and that's it.

Hashirama: Didn't you also create Edo Tensei? The jutsu that's basically dooming the entire world at this very moment?

Tobirama: Apparently...

Hashirama: It was off screen wasn't it?

Tobirama: Yeah...

Minato: And Orochimaru said he created it back in season one...What the hell?

Tobirama: Oh well go have fun with your wives! I'll just stay here and eat some chocolate or something...

Hashirama: Sorry I ate the last bar yesterday.

Tobirama: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O

**AN: So...who would want to read Hashirama's fic?**


	22. Minato loves Pokémon

Hiruzen: HAH! Look at this guys!

Everyone but Minato: HAH! Nice! Oh this is priceless!

Minato: Alright, what is it now? And since when do you play Pokémon, old man?

Hiruzen: Since like forever, who in their right mind doesn't play Pokémon? Anyway, that's not what's important right now! Look at this!

*Gym Leader: Volkner*

Minato: Oh no...

Hiruzen: Oh yes! He looks EXACTLY like you!

Tobirama: But that's not all! Volkner...

Tsunade: ...Also uses ELECTRIC TYPES!

*Everyone but Minato laughs*

Minato: So what?! Spiky yellow, over-the-top hair is like the most common Japanese hairstyle for some reason! In...a nation where everyone has flat black hair...

Hashirama: Even so, he also uses electric types and he basically looks exactly like you, minus the eyes. Oh this is priceless.

Minato: Well, whatever! Pokémon was popular like ten years ago!

Tsunade: I thought you had a crush on that 'Yellow' from the manga?

Minato: Shaddap! That's an entirely different story! I like her because she's the only capable female protagonist I've seen in a manga! Our relationship is strictly professional!

Tsunade: I...doubt she knows you exist...and I don't know if you're very "capable"...Also, what do you mean with "professional"?

Minato: I, uh...

Hashirama: So you don't only look like a Gym Leader, you're also in love with a character from the manga? You're basically a shipper! Maybe you should take over writing my fanfic!

Minato: Speaking of which, why don't you include that most fanfic writers have like two essays worth of text on their profiles? With everything from crappy poetry to informing everyone what their favorite shipping is?

Hashirama: I'm on it, but we're so not done talking about Pokémon!

Minato: Of course we aren't...Look, I'm just glad "I" use electric types. Everyone knows they're superior! We've got Pikachu after all!

Hiruzen: What?! How dare you! Everyone knows fire types are the best! We've got burning monkeys!

Tobirama: Woah woah woah, let's not go crazy here, everyone knows water is the best type! Our HM, Surf, is actually the only one of value!

Hashirama: And the only good water attack! Seriously, grass types are the way to go...Okay who am I kidding, they're weak to everything...I'd capture a Sudowoodo but then again, he's also weak to everything, and he's a rock type...looking like a tree. Hm...

Tsunade: I'd love to be a part of this debate but I don't even have a chakra affinity...So I'll just go for fighting types. Big burly men with four arms, that's how I roll.

Minato: Somewhere, I just know someone got strangely aroused by that comment...

Hiruzen: This seriously calls for a tournament! Grab your Gameboys and we'll settle this like real fights should be settled - with a Pokémon battle! The children's version of a duel!

Tobirama: Oh you're all going down!

*And the fights begin. Meanwhile, Minato goes to his bed, opens up a hidden chest filled with...manga?*

Minato: Ah, Yellow, that was a close one! No one must ever find out about our secret love! Now wish me luck in the upcoming tournament!

AN: So...kind of a weird chapter, I know, but I can actually see the Hokage playing a Pokémon tournament. That's how every argument should be settled.

Also, yes, making fun of Minato is strangely satisfying. It does help that he also looks almost identical to Gym Leader Volkner from the fourth generation. Also, with his current 'relationship' I can also make fun of shippers. It's perfect!

So, now I have a few questions for you:

1 - Do you have a favorite Pokémon? (Mine is Poliwrath - Water/Fighting, can learn all the cool moves and looks like a total boss. It doesn't gett better than that)

2 - Would you like to read about a Hokage Pokémon tournament or is it a stupid idea?

3 - What sort of team would the different Hoakage have?

4 - Did you like the chapter? Good reviews make my day!

Ideas,tips and the like are always welcome as well.

Disclaimer: Pokémon rightfully belongs to Nintendo its creator Satoshi Tajiri. This fanfic is written for entertainment purposes only and I take no credit for Pokémon whatsoever. Please support the official release.


	23. The Pokémon Tournament I

Tobirama: Ugh, what's taking Minato so damn long? We didn't need this long to train our Pokémon...

Hashirama: My fanfic writer senses tell me he is either doing something unorthodox or snuggling with that picture of Yellow he thinks he has hidden so well under his pillow.

Tsunade: Snuggling with a picture of a minor isn't 'unorthodox' according to you?

Hashirama: Not when you're a fanfic writer!

Tsunade: Ah...touché...

Hiruzen: Hey, something just hit me...why didn't our writer write a Halloween special? I had prepared a Revolver Ocelot costume and everything!

Tobirama: Well I guess he/she never thought about it, I'm sure there'll be a christmas special so don't you worry!...And who is Revolver Ocelot?

Tsunade: UNCLE NO!

Hiruzen: Revolver Ocelot, also known as "Shalashaska" or by his real name, Adamska, was a FOXHOUND operative and an agent of the Patriots. A master gunslinger and interrogator and the only villain to appear in every major Metal Gear Solid game - often acting as a double or even triple agent - He fought in the Cold War and...

Tobirama: Okaaay...how did we end up talking about this?

Hiruzen: No Halloween special. I am disappoint.

Hashirama: Disappointed, you mean?

Hiruzen: No, this is the internet, so I am disappoint.

Hashirama: Right...where in the hell is Minato?

*Door explodes no jutsu*

Minato: I'M HERE BITCHES! NOW LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

Tsunade: Why did you blow up our Senju DNA-proof door?!

Minato: Because I'm Minato Namikaze, Konoha's Yellow Flash and Pokémon Master! Now, unleash your Pokémon and we'll decide who the best trainer here is!

Hashirama: Actually, we're all Hokage and not trainers...

Tsunade: You're on Minato! Everyone! Pull up your Gameboys!

Minato: Uh...Gameboys?

Tsunade: Why do I dread what you're going to say next?

Minato: I thought we were to capture real Pokémon?

Tsunade: What?! How would that even work!?

Minato: Well I found some Pokéballs...

Tobirama: Where did you find REAL POKÉBALLS?!

Minato: Duh? Ebay! - Anyway, so I decided to capture some Pokémon here in the afterlife!

Hashirama: There are no Pokémon here in the afterlife...I think...Oh no, you didn't!

Minato: Guess again! COME OUT BOYS!

*White shining light no jutsu! - Who are Minato's Pokémon?!*

Madara: BLOODY HELL what happened?!

Obito: Crikey! The last thing I remember was someone knocking me over shouting something about...Gotta catch them...all?

Danzo: Look, eh! We're finally inside the club! I knew we would get in one of these days!

Tsunade: You...captured the Senju DNA and Sharingan Club?

Minato: Well they were the only Pokémon I could think of. I didn't know we had to play on our Gameboys. That's not half as exciting as this! Anyway, I present Maddie, my Madara - he's my fire/psychic type. Obbie the Obito is my grass/psychic type and Danzie the Danzo is my Flying type!

Tsunade: Minato...they're not Pokémon! Look, just throw these morons out and start working on capturing Pokémon on your GAMEBOY this time!

Minato: But...my Pokémon could talk and everything!

Madara: I daresay Obito ol' chap we're finally inside! I do believe it's time to celebrate!

Obito: You said it mate!

Minato: Look, they're so adorable when they're happy!

Tobirama: Uh, dude...

Hiruzen: Don't say dude. Ever. I'm old and I don't like it when people try sounding 'hip'

Tobirama: Uh, bro...

Hiruzen: That's even worse. And if you say something along the lines of "broseph" I may have to kill you.

Tobirama: Uh, buddy, they're still not Pokémon. In fact I think they've been trying to get into our club house on numerous occasions. I also think one of them is your pupil?

Minato: Sigh...fine! Return to your Pokéballs guys!

*Zoom*

Danzo: What is this, I don't even...?!

Obito: How does this even work?!

Madara: Oh dear me...

Minato: I'll start playing Gameboy then...

*Throws Pokéballs out*

Hashirama: Repair door with trees no jutsu!

Hiruzen: Oh well, back to waiting for Minato...Hey, Tobirama, still interested in Revolver Ocelot?

Tobirama: Oh Kakko-sama...Hurry up Minato!

AN: So what did you all think? I prefer this chapter a lot more than the last one - The Pokémon Tournament starts next chapter, I believe.

Also, yes, I love Revolver Ocelot from the Metal Gear Solid seriees (which I do not own/is associated with in any way, shape or form). Probably my favorite villain of all time when it comes to gaming, probably closely followed by Loghain Mac Tir from Dragon Age: Origins - Do you have a favorite villain? Be it from games, movies or literature.

And Hiruzen's views reflected my own here - I hate it when people address others with words like "bro".

Also, did anyone notice that the members of the nutorious Senju DNA and Sharingan Club represent Australia, Canada and The United Kingdom? Just to make it a bit more varied, and as a (pretty weird) way of saying thank you to my regular readers from those countries. You are fairly numerous and I love you all!

Now I just need to find a way to thank my fans from the US, Taiwan, Singapore and Vietnam who also support me ferociously...

Please review and favorite - it makes my day!


	24. The Pokémon Tournament II

Who am I?  
Just some insignificant mote of dust  
In the desert sandstorm that is life?  
Would I rather be remembered as a villain  
Than to lay forgotten in an unmarked grave?

What did you see when you looked at me?  
In you I saw life itself and my reason for living  
But what did you see when you looked at me?  
A broken nobody without a purpose in life  
It goes to show a Goddess does not date a ghost

Hashirama: Oh, so corny and awful. I SIMPLY MUST ADD IT TO MY FANFIC!

Tobirama: Don't forget to mention that people start blushing all the time even though it is a rare occurrence in real life.

Hashirama: You're right! Tobyrema you're a genius!

Tobirama: Actually, bro, it's Tobirama...

Hashirama: Yeah yeah that's what I said. So, let's see here - the woman has to blush whenever the protagonists: looks at her, talks to her and even more when he compliments her. Gladly accompanied with a "got even redder, if that was even possible".

Sounds about right?

Tobirama: Yupp, that just about sums it up.

*Minato's door explodes no jutsu*

Tobirama: WHY?!

Minato: It's strangely addicting - anyway, my Pokémon are all captured and I am ready to go!

Hiruzen: Good, now I'll show you why they call me...God of Shinobi.

Tsunade: For the last time old man you're not Revolver Ocelot! And that badass line was totally out of place!

Hiruzen: I can dream can't I?! I died early in the first season! I'm more or less forgotten at this point!

Tobirama: I know that feel bro...

Zabuza/Haku: _We know that feel bro..._

Kimimaro: _I don't! People loved me even though I was super generic! I guess bitches just love my bone(s) if you know what i mean..._

Minato: I could have sworn I heard something...Anyway, how do we go about this tournament?

Tsunade: I suggest we all face each other once to even it out...if people tie, we'll just settle it with additional rounds. Sounds good?

Hashirama: Ah, the benefits of having a female Hokage - someone who can plan everything.

Tsunade: Wow wow wow, that sounds like serious sexism.

Hiruzen: That wouldn't be a first in this series...I think we've made fun of just about everything and everyone, save handicapped people, religion and racism...

Minato: Please let me insult all three of them at once. Please please please?

Tobirama: NO! What is wrong with you?

Minato: But I got a great...

Everyone: NO!

Minato: Fine...*sulk no jutsu*

Tsunade: Anyway - we haven't had any SERIOUS sexism! Usually we just make fun of my ridiculously oversized breasts which are just there for fan service, or on awful personality portrayal...we never make prejudiced remarks like that! You're playing with fire, dad!

Hiruzen: Might not be the best idea when, you know, your best weapon is a TREE?

Hashirama: Fine, fine, statement revoked! And don't you talk bad about my trees! Bitches love wood, if you know what I mean...

Tobirama: I'm pretty sure we did that joke already...

Hiruzen: Anyway! I believe it's time to duel one another, hm? Minato, now I'll show you why they call me...

Tsunade: Oh God please just stop it! And if you say "you're pretty good!" when you lose, I swear I will knock you back to the world of the living!

Hiruzen: But...how did you know?!

Tsunade: *Facepalm of epic proportions*

Minato: Alright then! Let us begin! Tobirama you'll be the judge of the first rounds alright?

Tobirama: I...

Minato: Fantastic! LET'S GO EVERYONE!

*Five minutes later*

Hiruzen: Minato...why is your team exactly the same as Yellow's?

Hashirama, Tobirama, Tsunade: What?!

Minato: What? Don't judge me! I figured it would bring us closer together!

Tsunade: Dude, still a minor.

Hiruzen: Who doesn't know you exist.

Tobirama: And your Pokémon sucks ASS!

Hashirama: The fanfic writer in me thinks this is the best thing that has ever happened since cosplaying was invented!

Minato: Fine, just watch me sweep the floor with all of you with my so called 'sucky team'. It will make my victory taste oh-so much sweeter!

Everyone else: YOU'RE ON!

*Cliffhanger no jutsu*

AN: So, a couple of things:

1 - The 'poem' was written by yours truly in less than 2 minutes. I figured that's how they usually sound.

2 - Who will win the Hokage Pokémon Tournament?

3 - Everyone but Hashirama reacts differently because he writes - Why, do you ask? Simple - a lot of 'proof' when it comes to shipping for instance, is usually just a lot of people going to extreme lengths in order to justify their preferred relationship ship. Like, the slightest touch, being in the same room, laughing at the same joke and so on = they're in love.

That said, I don't mind a good shipping story. In fact, I'm a huge sucker for romance. At least, romance portrayed well, with some credibility and relatable feelings and issues. But aye, I am indeed romantic soul.

4 - I never did understand Kimimaro's hype. To me he was generic villain #4325 but people seemingly loved him. Sure, his ability was cool but got old after like five seconds, just like the Susano'o.

As always, please review. It makes my day!


	25. The Pokémon Tournament III - Ending

Tobirama: So, uh, should we review this week's chapter or should we continue with our Pokémon tournament?

Tsunade: What? Review 16 pages of people making concrete? I'd rather not.

Hashirama: That...that is EXACTLY all that happened. We waited a whole week for this?

Tsunade: Pretty much, so keep playing this game where we force adorable monsters to fight for our amusement!

Hashirama: Actually I just lost against Minato and I'm now dueling Tobirama.

Tobirama: Yeah I also lost against Minato.

Hiruzen: Yeah, me too.

Tsunade: Wait, what?

Minato: Aw yiss!

Tsunade: HOW?! From what I heard you have like...a rock-type Pokémon? No one has a rock-type!

Minato: You're just jealous I can win with Yellow's team and the power of love!

Hashirama: He's got a point, with love you can do anything. Love and friendship, isn't that what manga usually is all about?

Tsunade: No, it's usually about rivalry and perversion. There are always two people not getting along but who respect one another on some level. Usually a dork and a genius, with a useless girl on the sidelines.

Hiruzen: True, but it's also about basically being able to bend the laws of physics to your will as long as you believe in your friends.

Hashirama: And let's not forget shipping!

Tsunade: Fine, fine. That too. Still, how come you can win against everyone, Minato?

Minato: I don't know, how come my three-headed ostrich can fly?

Tsunade: What, like seriously?

Minato: Oh I'm quite serious Senpai-sama-kun.

Tsunade: That means you've already won! Aw man! I was so looking forward to winning something for once.

Hiruzen: You can win the sandwich competition?

Tsunade: I swear I will pull your beard off your chin.

Minato: Anyway! I have won the Hokage Pokémon Tournament! This proves my love for Yellow, the only female protagonist in a manga worth mentioning!

Tobirama: Minato, don't you already have a wife?

Hiruzen: Yeah and all of our reviewers keep asking us to include both Kushina and Mito...even though Mito has been in the manga even less than Tobirama.

Hashirama: My wife is more popular than the Second Hokage and with even less screen time. That's Mrs. Senju for you!

Minato: Yeah sure but I mean, we had a great run while we were alive but dying has just changed my perspective, you know?

Tsunade: What, now you're into blondes?

Minato: Don't get your hopes up sugar tits.

Tsunade: *Shudder*

Hiruzen: Wait, was my wife ever mentioned in Naruto?

Tobirama: Why are you asking US?!

Hiruzen: Because I'm senile and I think a little love-making would be great for my memory

*Everyone shudders no jutsu*

Hashirama: Oh Kakko-sama...I think I have to throw up...

Tobirama: *Sigh*...No she wasn't mentioned. As far as we know you might be the only homosexual in the Narutoverse.

Minato: What about Asuma?

Hiruzen: What the hell is an Asuma?

Tsunade: Well it DOES make sense, I mean you're basically in love with Revolver Ocelot anyway. And Minato in that little girl from Pokémon. So that just leave us Senju. I guess our DNA makes us immune to weird pairings.

Tobirama: Actually I'm going out with Samus Aran tomorrow.

Tsunade: *Facepalm*

Minato: Wait what?! Isn't she a little out of your league?

Tobirama: I guess the old Tobi-B charm got to her.

Minato: No.

Hashirama: No.

Hiruzen: No.

Tsunade: No. Never, ever say that again. So me and my grandfather are the only ones without a love interest?

Hashirama: Oh I'm just not ready to go out with other people right now. I'm focusing on my career as a fanfic writer.

Tsunade: I need new friends...Please, Author-sama-senpai-san, can't you please summon Kushina and Mito?

Me: Oh gee, I'd love to, but you see, it's time for this little Pokémon mini-story to come to an end. Besides, you were the victim of bullying this chapter so I'm afraid you have to suffer just a bit more before it's your turn to make fun of...oh...let's say Tobirama.

Tobirama: Oh man...

AN: So, the end of my first little mini-series. Not much Pokémon included though, I had no idea how I would write this chapter so it's just a broken mess of old jokes. I am very disappointed in myself. Oh well, I'll just have to try harder next time.

I do like how a lot of people want me to include Kushina and Mito, two people who have had basically no screen time whatsoever in the manga. Kushina is a bit more understandable but Mito? I mean come on guys.

Also, this week's chapter was really awful so I couldn't say much about it. I mean, really, making concrete? Madara getting surprised that if the entire world unites against them they can actually pull something off? If he's undead, can't die and has unlimited chakra, why doesn't he just fire a bunch of jutsu until they can no longer defend themselves? It's so very, very stupid! Oh well, with a bit of luck, Obito redeems himself soon. It is inevitable of course, but I sort of want this arc to just be over at this point.


	26. Serious business

Hiruzen: Huh, apparently I had a wife.

Minato: Kindly pointed out to us by every single reviewer.

Tsunade: From now on, we'll just have to make sure never to write something incorrect ever again, or we'll be spammed by people telling us we were wrong.

Hashirama: Indeed, I prefer getting reviews that say something along the lines of "oh this is so funny" a couple of times over than "Hiruzen had a wife, just so you know".

Tobirama: So, did we ever see her?

Hiruzen: Apparently she was helping Kushina deliver Naruto - people claim she died later. It's strange this wasn't a bigger deal considering she was the wife of the Hokage...

Minato: Well, as Hokage, it's our job to know everything I suppose, including minor details that only hardcore fans know about. Otherwise we'll be spammed - again.

Hashirama: Anyway, on today's agenda, we've decided to be a bit more serious!

Tsunade: That's right! A lot of people seem to think we here at the Hokage in the Afterlife hate Naruto - that is simply not true.

Hiruzen: And now we'll tell you why, in a serious manner...

Tobirama: Indeed.

Hiruzen: In the form of a rap!

Hashirama: What?

Tsunade: What?

Tobirama: What?

Minato: I'm getting my movie camera!

Hiruzen: So dawg I heard you thought Naruto was best but let me tell you something man it doesn't even pass the test of the...

Hashirama: TREES NO JUTSU!

Hiruzen: MmbfllmM!

Hashirama: Oh thank Kakko-sama for my Senju DNA!

Tsunade: Seeing Dan die in front of my very eyes was less emotionally scarring than this...

Tobirama: Oh yeah, that guy. People thought we forgot about him too when you said you didn't have a date.

Tsunade: Well who wouldn't forget generic character 724#?

Minato: I think your introduction arc sets the record in the amount of flashbacks, Tsunade. Seriously, look it up again - We see Dan about six times in the same scene in three episodes or something.

Hashirama: Anywayyyyy - back to our serious topic.

Minato: Right - The author of this fic doesn't hate Naruto. Far from it - he thinks it is a good and at times emotionally engaging story.

Tobirama: That, however, doesn't make it perfect.

Hashirama: Naruto certainly had the potential to be one of the best stories ever. In the first part the series focuses on interesting subjects such as: what is a ninja's place in the world? Does power always corrupt, as it did Zabuza? What makes life worth living if ninja are expendable?

Tsunade: That's pretty deep, and I would have loved to have had that answered. But we never got any answers - we moved on to the Chunin Exams. Although I consider it to be the best arc in the entire series, it still ends on a strange note.

Tobirama: Indeed - They talk about how the village was razed and how other nations sensed their current weakness - Alright, cool...but nothing happened. In fact, they talk a lot about other nations, but we barely ever see them. It's not until fairly recently likeable characters from other villagers were introduced, excluding the Sand Village and the Sand Siblings. Huh...that town sure likes sand.

Minato: And even so, we know nothing about different cultures, strengths, weaknesses or really anything that would make everyone want to fight each other. There have apparently been several wars, but we don't know much about what triggered them or really any juicy details.

Tsunade: Basically, what we're saying is a lot of the more interesting themes were just dropped, never to be mentioned again. And for what? Power levels and bigger jutsu? That's not interesting! We're not eight years old! I wanted to hear more about other nations, their cultures and so on. And what about the Feudal lords? Apparently they're the leaders of the land, but we never even talk about different COUNTRIES - we only talk about villages, and for 99% of the time, it's the Village Hidden in the Leaves, or Konoha, if you will.

Minato: And the story focus shifts to Naruto and Sakura trying to save Sasuke - a thoroughly unlikeable character that was rude to everyone but was loved by everybody in return. Naruto's and Sasuke's so called 'bond' is beyond me. For how long did they know each other anyway? They rarely talked until they ended up on the same team, and that didn't last long. They fought Zabuza, took the Chunin Exams, Sasuke passed out after they fought Itachi, Sasuke freaked out and then joined Orochimaru - really?

Look, I get the whole 'Naruto saw himself in Sasuke and aspired to be like him', but doesn't that make it one-sided on Naruto's part? Besides, they didn't even SPEAK to each other! Not to mention the fact that Sasuke seems to have been totally indifferent to Naruto! THIS is what we sacrificed a deeper plot and more interesting characters for - Sasuke, the super generic rude little emo.

Hashirama: Speaking of minor characters, the only one who has received any sort of character development in the Konoha 11 is Shikamaru, and that was ages ago. But remember that arc? It was filled with genuine emotion and it was so refreshing to have the story focusing on something that wasn't about Naruto and Sasuke.

Tsunade: And then of course you probably wonder why we're always talking about sexism here, especially when the author is a guy. Well, I'll take the short version, because people have probably already stopped reading - In Naruto, you basically learn to never count on the women to do anything other than heal or support the male characters, and it's quite frankly revolting and makes the story much less credible and interesting when your expectations are automatically lowered.

Sakura is of course the prime example. She's actually a main character, a protagonist, but what has she accomplished? In the first part, she literally did nothing. She bit a guy in the Forest of Death. BIT! She had the same experience as Sasuke and Naruto, had the same teacher and everything, and her solution was...to bite her opponent? Then with her training with yours truly, she never really did anything other than take down Sasori. - But wait, now you probably wonder 'well she DID take down Sasori, right? What are you talking about?' - YES! Exactly! She, the HEROINE of the story, has done ONE great thing, and it was AMAZING - why didn't that trend continue? Why doesn't Ino, Tenten and Hinata do things like this? Hell, why don't we focus more on their teams? That's exactly the point I'm trying to make! - Why did she have to fade into obscurity once more?

Tobirama: And of course, one of our favorite subjects here: the power levels and the power difference between people. The term 'fodder' didn't exist before - all ninja were dangerous. They had all been trained for their entire lives, just like Kakashi and Guy for instance - yet now, they're 'fodder' if they don't have a name. One ninja can take on dozens of people by himself no problem. But why? That is never really explained. So now we know people like Neji, who was considered to be a genius in part one, will never reach the level of Sasuke, for instance, even though he also has a Dojutsu.

And what happened to the 'ninja' anyway? Ninja don't call down comets! They're supposed to be stealthy!

Minato: So that's the short version of what bothers us in this series. It's still good, and it has a lot of great moments and awesome scenes, but it has lost a lot of meaning along the way, and made room for things that just aren't as interesting.

Tsunade: So...do you think anyone is still reading?

Hashirama: I doubt it, they came here to laugh and we go all serious on them. Poor sods, I guess we'll have to make it up to our fans in the next chapter.

Tobirama: Well we did have to clear up a few things, and who knows, maybe someone will read this and agree.

Minato: Don't get your hopes up - even if they did read it, they'd go all Uchiha fanboy on us and defend the series like it was their own child.

Tobirama: Uh...by the way Hashirama, can Hiruzen breathe in that thing?

Hashirama: Huh? OH SHIT!

AN: Manga is series business! (Pun intended!)

So I guess I'll have to write an extra funny chapter next time to make up for the seriousness of this chapter. Suggestions are always welcome, as are your reviews and you favoriting my story.

I don't care if favoriting isn't a word. If it isn't already, then I have invented a new word! And there's nothing you can do about it!


	27. Exploiting the success no jutsu!

_"/.../It just seems a waste to destroy the anvil - given what it could do"_  
_"And how would you like to become a golem?"_  
_"Then I'd be as hard as a rock all the time! Hahaha! See, there's a bright side to everything huh?_" - Zevran Aranai, Dragon Age: Origins

Minato: Look, man, I love your fanfic, but don't you think you're overdoing the whole blushing thing?

Hashirama: Oh far from it, I'm not sure I've added enough blushing! You see, every single fanfic I read where love is a central theme, the characters always start blushing, and do so very, very frequently. Also, I'm thinking of never writing the word 'eye', but instead replace it with the word 'orb'. I'm sure everyone will love that!

Minato: So, uh...'Hinata almost drowned in Naruto's cerulean orbs and blushed. Naruto saw her blush and blushed'? Is that right?

Hashirama: Oh Minato! Your voice is perfect for this! I'm having you recording the audio! I'll have to cancel my appointment with Morgan Freeman.

*Door slam!*

Tsunade: You guys! People actually liked our last chapter! Not only that but most people agree with us! I think some faith in humanity has been restored!

Tobirama: Yeah, what's more people were actually describing their take on the matter! We've motivated people!

Hiruzen: I feel important again!

Minato: Wow really? People liked it when we just pointed out obvious flaws like that?

Hashirama: We should exploit this to gain more fans!

Tobirama: Woah woah woah! Slow down! Blatantly exploit a winning concept? Who does that?

Tsunade: Screw you Goody Two-Shoes I can already taste that delicious growing fanbase.

Tobirama: I think we should worry more about the tears of our humble but oh-so loyal fanbase! Don't use our...

Tsunade: SO! Do you guys remember when missions were important?

Hiruzen: What the hell is a mission?

Minato: Oh, you know, just something that was described in detail in the beginning of the series. It was said to be the bread and water of a Ninja Village, more or less, but so far I think we've only seen one real mission from a paying client outside of the village.

Tobirama: You know, if you're wrong about that, we'll get torn to shreds and get repeatedly told about how wrong we are, right?

Minato: Well, besides Mr. Tazuna, who has offered the main characters a normal mission in which they get paid? I mean, where a client comes in with a request and not something ordered by the Hokage.

Hiruzen: Oh right, a MISSION. Haha...Oh we've seen so few of those I almost forgot what they were. Let's see now...Hum...Well there was Mr. Tazuna, and then in a bunch of fillers but they're excluded, of course. Hm...

Tsunade: We're going at this the wrong way! Let's see - Zabuza arc, Mr. Tazuna, done. Chunin Exams - Sakura is ordered by Kakashi, from the same village and I doubt they got paid.

Minato: Yeah he always was a cheapskate...

Tsunade: Naruto finding me with Jiraiya - not a mission.

Hashirama: Chasing after overly emotional 13-year-old - Tsunade's orders.

Tobirama: Rescuing Gaara - Tsunade's orders.

Hiruzen: Meeting up with Orochimaru - more or less Tsunade's orders.

Madara: _SOD OFF! We're trying to sleep over here!_

Obito: _You listing this is as useless as tits on a bull you wankers!_

Tsunade: Huh...that sounds a bit like some of the overzealous fan replies we get.

Minato: You think? All I hear when I read those is "I'm horribly misinformed, but I like to whine anyway so have a taste of my negative emotions - Sincerely, obnoxious internet douchebag"

Tobirama: Once again, I think you're treading on thin ice.

Minato: This is the internet, I'm just one click away from sharing porn videos on Facebook. We're all on thin ice here, man. Always.

Hashirama: Anyway! Missions - Yeah, we haven't had many of those. I guess it was hard to keep everything interesting when you had Sasuke on the team. That guy basically twists the plot into his favor by simply existing.

Hiruzen: Once again, after the Deidara fight - Out of chakra, can barely stand due to injuries - escapes via casting a genjutsu on a powerful summon and then use a teleportation jutsu to get away.

Tsunade: Because fuck logic, right?

Minato: You know, being forced to take a part in Hashirama's career as a fanfic writer has taught me that the more common recurring themes on this site is the one where people join different teams, or where the team composition is different or something like that. It is very rarely about, you know, stuff after the Pain Invasion arc.

Hiruzen: Pain Invasion would make for an awesome name for a band...

Tobirama: Well the possibilities are basically unlimited. Think of all the things that could have been different with a change in team compositions and other missions - like, what if someone else went up against Zabuza?

Hashirama: I believe we're dealing with a sense of escapism here, fellas. People have an easy time imagining different scenarios based on the basics created by the author. As such, they can create their own worlds more easily, and since the structure of Naruto is, or was, very interesting, it is very easy to get drawn in.

Tsunade: Wow grandpa, I didn't know you actually knew about stuff like that.

Minato: Yeah where did you learn a fancy word such as 'escapism'?

Hashirama: I am a writer, good sir! And I take my job very seriously! Knowledge is power as we all know after all, which is why I also know that the world won't end the 21:th december, although the world will be missing a lunatic or two.

Tobirama: Gee, that's pretty harsh bro.

Hashirama: Since when has this fic been about being nice to people?

Hiruzen: He's got a point, here we just basically make a few half-assed jokes and tell people our view of certain aspects of a manga and people seem to just go with it.

Tobirama: Yeah but to comment about real life? You know how easily offended people are these days!

Minato: So? We'll just have to show them that nothing brings people together more than humor!

Tsunade: That's actually pretty sweet.

Hashirama: I love all you guys!

Hiruzen: I believe it's time for a group hug.

*Group hug no jutsu*

AN: Another jab at fanfics! Seriously though, as I have said before, I'm a sucker for romance. I think I like it a bit too much - it would've been okay if I was a shipping 14-year-old, but I'm far older now...so yeah. Oh well, haters gonna hate, I like reading cheesy romance stories as long as they're well written, and I stand by that!

However, the blushing part is for the most part true - almost every romance fic I read here are filled with parts about blushing - like really? How often do people blush in real life? I've never done it, and I've never seen it either. It's like 75% of the blood circulation in fanfics are centered in the cheeks.

As always - what did you think about this chapter? Your reviews and support make my day, and I couldn't go on without you!

A big thank you to all my reviewers and supporters!

Ps: I'm thinking of introducing things such as fanfic recommendations and quotes (like I did at the top of this fic), what would you say about something like that?


	28. War of the Fanboys

_"...Stand down. You're in my way, and the sight of your appalling hair makes my gorge rise"_ - Demon Lord Ghirahim, The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

Tsunade: There are too many of them!

Hiruzen: Our Senju DNA proof door can't take any more pounding!

Hashirama: Are you serious?! What kind of monsters could amass that sort of power? If something is immune to Senju DNA then that is automatically the most powerful thing in all of Naruto!

Tobirama: It is...

Minato: Gentlemen, if we don't make it through this, I just want to tell you, it has been an honor to point out obvious flaws in this manga with you. Even you, Tobirama.

Fanboy1: omg u stule that from Littlekuriboh!

Minato: Well DUH?! I'm trying to piss you off you godless swines!

Tobirama: ...Fanboys!

Fanboy2: stop complening!

Fanboy1: ur nut funny pleying capten obvious!

Hiruzen: What do we do?! We can't use force, which pretty much renders us useless, seeing as that all we ever do in this show!

Fanboy3: not funneh! Stop complening abut ucheha!

Fanboy4: ucheha ftw!

Minato: I swear if they don't kill us soon I'll commit suicide. I can't take listening to this moronic rambling any longer!

Hashirama: No Minato, don't d...

Minato: OR! We sacrifice Tobirama!

Tobirama: Hey man what the hell?!

Tsunade: They're breaking through any minute now!

Hiruzen: THINK, people! These brutes barely have any brains to speak of, someone, or someTHING must be guiding them!

Hashirama: Oh no...

Tobirama: You don't mean...

Tsunade: A trying-to-use-logic-in-long-rants-to-try-and-seem-smart fanboy?!

Hiruzen: That is my suspicion.

Minato: Oh no! Quickly, we have to give him a name that vaguely sounds Japanese so it seems we have some kind of knowledge of Japanese culture! It's the only way to appease the fanboys!

Tsunade: YOSHITORO!

Fanboy1: omg thats japuness!

Fanboy2: japuness!

Fanboy3: arr-gey-to autor-sunpei!

Tsunade: It's working! I RULE!

Tobirama: Yoshitoro...What the hell is that?

Hashirama: I'm sure Tsunade just thought of something. Now, we have bought us some time. We should strike this...Erm...Yoshitoro while his army of mindless cretins are docile!

Yoshitoro: Oh, you don't have to go anywhere, for you see, I'm right here!

Minato: Yoshitoro! Our ancient nemesis!

Tobirama: Dude what the...?

Yoshitoro: That's right. Over the internet I'm a generic, attractive, calm and devious villain who sympathize with me, but in real life, I'm a fat geek, but there's no way for you to expose that!

Hashirama: You clever bastard! Your genericness is an insult to writing!

Yoshitoro: Now I'm going to calmly walk around in the room to prove I'm not threatened by you, even though I should be.

Minato: Should we just knock him out or...?

Tsunade: Why are we standing here and listening to this bullcrap?

Yoshitoro: Oh, but you can't do anything! I have the upper hand! By writing walls of texts where I apply my own, twisted logic, I can convince fanboys of anything! Observe (also notice how I don't say watch - observe is a word derived from latin and therefore sounds more intelligent!): They faked my name! Yoshitoro means 'stupid fanboys in Japanese'!

Fanboy1: omg wat!

Fanboy2: how dar u!

Hiruzen: You sick bastard! Not only are you horribly cliché but you're also lying but I assume you also have godlike powers coming from absolutely nowhere, shielding you from our direct assault until we can find a way to crack your defenses!

Yoshitoro: You're most correct.

Tsunade: The fanboys are coming back!

Hashirama: Quick, our only choice is to make the fanboys fight each other!

Minato: You're the fanfic writer, think of something!

Hashirama: Oh, eh...SASUKE AND HINATA FOREVER!

Fanboy1: omg i agre

Fanboy2: wat?

Fanboy3: evryune know its Sasuke and my OC!

Fanboy4: No Sasuke and Kakuzu omg dont you guys reed the mango!?

Yoshitoro: Oh no, they've stopped fighting, but how! (Awful voice acting!)

Tsunade: Your kind will never prevail over real writing you sick son of a bitch!

Hashirama: Also you forgot the simple fact that fanboys will never agree on just one ship!

Yoshitoro: Oh no, I have to activate epic music no jutsu so that I may go down to an awesome soundtrack at least!

Minato: RASENGAN!

Yoshitoro: Generic reaction no jutsu!

*Crash*

Minato: Well that was fast.

Tsunade: Still, did you have to copy Littlekuriboh? I mean that guy probably has to deal with that on a regular basis.

Minato: I couldn't help it, making the fanboys mad is a hobby of mine.

Hiruzen: So it is finally over, our ancient nemesis is dead.

Tobirama: Guys we knew him for like one minute...

Hashirama: At least, in the end, writing prevailed, and the fanboys are now at each others' throats again instead of ours, as it should be.

Minato: SUNSET NO JUTSU!

Tsunade: SLOW-PACED HEROIC MUSIC NO JUTSU!

Hashirama: STANDING ON HIGH GROUND LOOKING OVER SAID SUNSET NO JUTSU!

Hiruzen: Ah, that's more like it...This may be a cliché ending, but sunsets are so damn beautiful I just can't help liking them.

Tobirama: Now, let us face the sunset and get ready for our next adventure, for I feel we may have, once again, upset our fanbase!

*Music continues until the screen turns black*

AN: A few things:

1 - Skyward Sword - Amazing game, although you get cockblocked 24/7. Still, a solid 9/10 for me.

2 - I deliberately try avoiding using jokes Littlekuriboh makes simply because he probably has to deal with that all the time. Stealing his (or anyone's) material is just plain wrong, although he is a source of inspiration, of course.

3 - I'm not making fun of any reviewers, I just make fun of stereotypes, as always.

4 - Fanfic recommendations! I'll start suggesting fanfics for you to read.

If you want me to suggest YOUR fanfic, then you better write a PROPER review, and of course I'll have to like the story. Reviews with only a suggestion will be IGNORED.

This time I'll recommend: The Girl From Whirlpool, by Silvershine - an AMAZING story about Minato and Kushina and their early days. It is hands down my favorite fanfic on this site. It is not finished yet, and there are some things in there that I make fun of on a regular basis, like honorifics. Still, it's worth every single second. I can't help being a sucker for epic romances.  
Enjoy: s/5645686/1/

Please review, favorite and help me out. Also give me some feedback. Your support is greatly appreciated.


	29. Dafuq did I just read?

"_He requires proof of good faith. We must make a contribution to his people that shows we are not a threat. Shall I blast him now, master?_" - HK-47, Knights of the Old Republic

Tobirama: Hm...over 1200 people read our story in two days, but basically no one reviewed...That's it, we're so not putting links to other fanfics at the end of our stories if our fans are so fickle!

Hiruzen: Why are you so worried about numbers anyway? Let's just be glad we bring some joy into people's lives and let the Asians handle the math.

Tobirama: Old man, we ARE Asians!

Hiruzen: Really? But two out of five in our group are blonde!

Hashirama: Yeah, and we're speaking English!

Tobirama: Yeah well we're also supposed to be dead but here we are, criticizing a manga where tens and tens of people mildly care about what we have to say...

*Crash!*

Tsunade: You guys! New chapter up!

Minato: Oh and we've got so much material to rip to pieces.

Hashirama: Oh good, I was feeling a little cranky. Nothing helps me forgetting my own problems than complaining about a manga online!

Tsunade: You know it! So, here it is, read it and weep, gentlemen!

*After a minute or two...*

Hiruzen: What...the hell was that?

Tobirama: Wait, who the hell was the guy who died?

Hashirama: Wasn't he like, Neji or something? Supposedly a prodigy and a 'main support character' but had less screen time than, like, Deidara.

Deidara: _Aw yiss, uh!_

Hiruzen: So, were we supposed to care about him dying or what? As far as I know he's had three scenes in the entire manga worth remembering: Losing in the Chunin Exams, sacrificing himself to take down Kidomaru, showing some character growth and then a funny scene in Shippuden, and that's it.

Tsunade: Yeah and what's more he didn't even die a good death like Kisame or Lady Chiyo...he took two giant spikes out of thousands. That was the least epic death of a character with a name in Naruto EVER.

Minato: He didn't even get hyped up before getting taken down again, like Asuma did. Usually right before a support character dies in Naruto he gets a little screen time beforehand so you're supposed to care about him/her. As I said, like Asuma who was involved in a lot of little things before his death and then Shikaku, for instance, taking over HQ in the absence of the Kage.

Tobirama: Yeah this was just TERRIBLE, oh Kakko-sama...Did he really think that little off-hand comment Naruto gave him would justify us missing him? Is that it? God this makes me so furious!

Hashirama: I wonder what the other ninja are doing...just standing there not helping at all. At least SOME ninja there must know a jutsu that could block a few spikes, right?

Minato: I believe they were too busy appreciating the three Hyuga doing all the work...

Hashirama: Ah, that explains it.

Tsunade: The thing is, I get the impression that all clans, big and small, are supposed to have a 'moment' of epicness fighting the 45-Tails, but...this was just dreadful. It was just the three named Hyuga we know and they were using all the techniques we've already seen - and it wasn't even that impressive!

Hiruzen: Oh well, at least Obito and Madara started bickering some more, though that's something we've been predicting for weeks now.

Tobirama: Well, remember when the Akatsuki were here? Even back then Konan thought an Edo body couldn't become a Jinchuriki. She was right! Damn, we're all so wise...

Hiruzen: And then I told her she should just stop being so serious and get drunk instead. Good times.

Minato: I wonder when Kakashi will remember to tell Obito about WHY he killed Rin. I mean, it seems like sort of an important detail, doesn't it?

Hashirama: Well he didn't care, did he?

Minato: Oh yeaaah, he doesn't care. He just wants to create an entirely new world no matter the cost so that he can be with her. Yeah, okay, he doesn't care. One would think more proof would be needed to persuade a guy into doing THAT.

Tsunade: Well this IS the Uchiha we're talking about, they have a tendency to fuck everything up. I mean everyone praises Itachi but continuously forget the fact that he mentally tortured his seven-year-old brother into hating him so that he would get stronger. Not that smart for a so-called genius.

Tobirama: We haven't made that many jokes yet...normally we actually mix humor and criticism...

Hashirama: I suppose this chapter was just THAT awful. At this point I honestly don't care what happens to most of the characters. I want to see how it ends, yes, and I want to know why Rin had to die and how Obito will react, but since 95% of all the ninja there are fodder and have had little to no screen time, I have a hard time actually CARING.

Minato: Not to mention how stupid the plot has become. Sigh...I wish we could've found out more about the history of the wars, different cultures and international politics, a ninja's place in the world and stuff like that...you know...not making it about one generic idiot protagonist's chase after a revolting human being.

Tobirama: Uh guys, we're being too serious here, I'm afraid we'll send our fans into some kind of depression here.

Hiruzen: Sasuke sucks.

Tobirama: And there goes our fanbase...

Hashirama: I wonder if Madara actually expects Obito to sacrifice his life to revive him with Rinne Tensei...

Tsunade: Considering he's apparently all doing this for the sake of a school boy crush...no, he'll want to live with her forever. So he probably wants Sasuke to become the 45-Tails Jinchuriki and cast Tsukuyomi. Madara is a liability to Obito now.

Tobirama: And then he'll change his mind after some Talk no Jutsu by either Kakashi or Naruto.

Hiruzen: Why not both?

Tobirama: My Kakko-sama...no one could withstand that kind of power!

Tsunade: Sounds like a bet to me! Everyone who thinks Obito will be Talk no Jutsu'd by BOTH Kakashi and Naruto at the same time, raise your hands!

*Only Tsunade*

Tsunade: Well...dammit.

AN: Yeah I didn't like this chapter. It was awful and now I have to go and buy a bunch of chocolate to drown this bitter feeling in my throat. Oh well, it'll be interesting to see when and how exactly Obito redeems himself.

And ya, I had 1200 readers in two days but I also beat my record in LEAST reviews per reader. I am deeply hurt you guys! So I won't offer a link to today's fanfic suggestion! Hah, see how you'll like that.

Today's suggestion: **Pen Pals,** Avatar: The Last Airbender - "_The correspondence of Firelord Zuko and Her Royal Majesty, Toph Bei Fong, Queen of Omashu. Features weddings, assassinations, tea, and other silly things._" - Wickedly funny and very sweet at times. Sadly not finished yet but it's a good read!

So, as always, what did you think about this chapter? What did you think about the Naruto chapter? Review, favorite, share and recommend me to your geeky friends 'cause I'm aiming for the stars! - Okay, I'm not, but I do like reading positive reviews!


	30. Japanese Christmas!

"_Translation: 98% probability that members of the miniature organic's tribe are being held by Sand People, master. Doubtless he wishes assistance._

_What about the other 2%?_

_Translation: 2% probability that the miniature organic is simply looking for trouble and needs to be blasted. That may be wishful thinking on my part, master._" - HK-47, Knights of the Old Republic

Konan: For Pain's sake, Pain! Let's play some Christmas music when the Hokage come here!

Pain: Never! I'm not done with listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers yet! Do you defy God?!

Konan: Don't play the God card on me you little tit! We're all Japanese and we're supposed to celebrate Christmas!

Pain: They've got 'Snow Hey-oh'!

Konan: That's about getting clean after drug addiction!

Pain: Fine, I'll let you play your Christmas music! But I'm taking an extra piece of Kakuzu's and Hidan's ninja fudge just so you know. Also, shouldn't it be called Painmas?

Konan: Whatever, now get out of here! Argh! Itachi, tell me you've got some progress with the Christmas tree!

Itachi: Sharingan orbs with a Rinnegan in the top. And some glitter, but that was because Kisame wanted to ruin my good mood.

Konan: What about the Byakugan?

Itachi: What's a Byakugan?

Sasori: Well I don't know about you guys but I and Deidara managed to wrap all our gifts and we've made a great gingerbread house!

Deidara: Truly a piece of art, uh!  
Konan: You guys are my favorites right now!

Itachi: But...but...my dojutsu tree!

Kisame: Let it go man, eyes just aren't that cool anymore.

*Knock knock*

Pain: Out of the way! I'm opening the door naked to get back at Hashirama!

*Disturbed screams*

Itachi: Why does my eyes see everything in outmost detail?!

Pain: WELCOME HASHIRAMA!

Tobirama: Oh KAKKO-SAMA WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!

Pain: Oh shit, sorry, wrong Senju. Hey, you are the guy with the non-working Senju DNA, how's that working out for you?

Tobirama: Well, you tell me!

Konan: HAH!

Pain: Pff...come in, I'll go and get dressed. Where are the rest?

Tobirama: Oh they're here but Hashirama sent me first because his 'Senju DNA-senses were tingling'

Tsunade: Hello guys! Merry Christmas!

Konan: Tsunade! The only other woman in the Afterlife! How are you darling?

Tsunade: Oh I just happen to live with my father, uncle, mentor and guy of unspecified relationship. Still, it could be worse, we have our ups and downs. And you?

Konan: Well minus Pain's Christmas antics over the fact that this holiday isn't called 'Painmas', unlife's great.

Hashirama: So this is where you live huh? It smells differently!

Hiruzen: Because your DNA isn't sprayed all over the place.

Minato: And the nefarious Senju DNA and Sharingan Club aren't camping outside to get a peak.

Hidan: Hahaaa...Dirty puns.

Minato: It's great to see you all! Have you had any troubles with our fanbase?

Kakuzu: We aren't involved enough I think, but people seem to like it when other characters take part.

Kisame: So why not let us host the Christmas party? There's no Christmas party like an evil organization party!

Kakuzu: And I get paid not to break things. Everyone's happy.

Hiruzen: Ah, the wonderful Christmas spirit indeed! Now, who wants gifts?!

Everyone: MEEEEEEE!

Minato: So Hiruzen is santa huh? That actually fits rather well.

Hiruzen: Hey, I'm not that fat!

Minato: Well you're old, wise and nice...that's more than can be said about anyone here.

Hiruzen: Aw, that's actually very sweet of you Minato! Now here you go guys!

Itachi: Glasses? How did you know?!

Hidan: A new scythe? It's like I'm in heaven!

Konan: 'Advanced Origami'? I love you guys!

Sasori: Chakra practice strings? Oh you shouldn't have!

Deidara: 'Sculptures around the World' Uh! I think I've got something in my eye...

Kisame: Sword-holding gloves? Amazing!

Pain: Eye drops! I love it!

Kakuzu: Money!

Minato: The money was my idea!

Kakuzu: Minato, you really are the best Hokage!

Hiruzen: And I'll never play santa ever again...

Pain: So what was that about problem with the fanbase?

Minato: Oh, you know...people won't shut up about Mito and Kushina, they think we're heartless bastards for not caring about Neji's death...

Hidan: Neji?

Minato: Exactly.

Pain: So why don't you just try and please the fanbase?

Minato: You see, Pain, the key to failure is trying to please everyone, it would be horrible if...

Mito: Hey.

Kushina: Hey.

Mito: Bye.

Kushina: Bye.

Minato: Or...that works too.

Kisame: I've made eggnog everybody!

Tsunade: With alocohol?

Kisame: Is there any other eggnog?

Tsunade: I like you. Nothing says Christmas like getting drunk with friends.

***Meanwhile, on the outside***

Danzo: Mwhaha, moronic morons! Little do they know I added alcohol to their eggnogs! Now they'll spend their Christmas being drunk, and then we'll swoop in and steal all of their presents, eh!

Madara: Pardon me boss but it certainly looks like the chaps inside WANTED to get drunk.

Danzo: What! Impossible! Christmas is supposed to be celebrated surrounded by relatives you barely even know and you have awkward conversations with!

Obito: Well I guess this goes to show that everyone has a different way of doing things - and that doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. Diversity and different ways of approaching things, be they good or bad, strengthen us as a whole.

Madara: Well said sport!

Danzo: You know...I can't think of a better way to celebrate Christmas than with you guys.

Obito: Let's go home, light some candles and cozy up. We can begin plotting against the Hokage next year.

***For once, a happy ending to the nefarious Senju DNA and Sharingan Club***

Hashirama: Hello! We at the Hokage in the Afterlife would like to thank you for reading.

Minato: We? It's just this one guy with way too much time on his hands.

Hashirama: Who happens to be very good-looking.

Minato: Yeah, good thing on a site where 14-year-olds live out their fantasies in others' series. He must feel old.

Tobirama: We'd also like to thank you all for your support and the creative ideas you suggest in your reviews.

Minato: What, the like five suggestions out of 200 reviews?

Hiruzen: We hope you've had a fantastic year, and that the next one may be even better.

Tsunade: So from us all, to you all:

Everyone: We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

...

Minato: Don't you mean happy holidays? I mean, not everyone celebrates Christmas so some people might get offended. Not to mention that...

Hashirama: TREES NO JUTSU!

Minato: *Aah!*

**AN**: There's the Christmas special! Since I had Christmas related errands to run, the story might be a bit...how should I put it...incoherent. Still I think I managed to pull off at least a few good jokes. And the quote is amazing. Also, I hope you guys will finally quiet down about Mito and Kushina now. I don't get it why people are so obsessed with them. Especially since Minato and Yellow are now a thing. I think I'll call it Blondieshipping...or Lightningshipping, but that sounds too serious for a parody.

I really don't think anyone gets offended reading about Christmas...but then again, some people love trying to get insulted for whatever reason.

Oh, and this isn't the end of the series. It's just the Hokage wishing you all merry Christmas and a happy new year, as well as thanking all my fantastic readers for the support and love they show me. You guys are amazing. I know it sounds a bit 'final' but 'tis not so. There'll still plenty of mockery, over-simplifying and flaw-pointing-outing to be done here!

But for now, let me just say:

Merry Christmas and happy new year!


	31. Fangirl Euphoria

"_Do not worry Shepard, I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen when I've discovered something TRULY interesting!_

_*Face of pure fear*_

_That was a joke_." - EDI, Mass Effect 3

Minato: Hey guys, happy new year! I just bought a few fireworks that are supposed to resemble Obito's face, and they made these even before he took off the mask. I swear if I see Izuna I will go whatdothedragonballfanssay go super Minato mode and slap some sense into...OH MY KAKKO-SAMA!

*Epic scene of disaster, all the Hokage are lying on the floor and the furniture is all messed up. I wonder what upset Minato more.*

Tsunade: Minato...It was awful!

Minato: What? What happened here?! It looks like we were overrun by fanboys again!

Hashirama: Almost...but no...

Tobirama: It was...

Hiruzen: Fangirls...

Minato: Mother of all that is holy and good...

Hiruzen: You're...such a fruitcake...*passes out*

Minato: Wait, how the hell can you guys even take damage, aren't we supposed to be dead?

Tobirama: Plot...convenience...

Minato: Oh.

Tsunade: They were too strong...they've been fueled...by last week's...chapter...

Hashirama: It's...it's like a bad fanfiction come true!

Minato: Wait...you don't mean...

Tobirama: Yes! They all loved last week's chapter!

Minato: But that's impossible! It was awful! The dialogue was the worst I've ever read and he's just recycling old themes...

Madara:_ Oh the irony!_

Minato: Not to mention it was so cheesy and horribly cliché! No human being could have appreciated that!

Tsunade: Minato...they're fangirls! They...*grunt*...they don't care about things like that. All that matters is looking for anything that remotely looks like shipping fodder...

Hashirama: I don't...get it...what's the problem?

Tsunade: Shut up grandpa, you write fanfics, you wouldn't...understand.

Minato: This is a disaster! All the horrible fanfics that people will attempt to write! All the smug shipping fans, all the DISAPPOINTED shipping fans! What ever should we do?

Tobirama: Go back in time?

Minato: Shut up Aquaman.

Tsunade: There is nothing we can do about that! But we can stop these fangirls before they go on a rampage again and destroy all of Afterlife! You must avenge us, Minato! And stop these horrible abominations before they can recruit more shippers to their cause! Can you imagine the fanfics? Just think of the fanfics!

Hashirama: Save...our reputation Minato! You're our only hope! Put an end to this sad excuse for writing...

Tobirama: And save the romance! With luck...we might actually see a plausible, convincing Naruto relationship one day!

Minato: I understand. I shall embark on a great adventure to stop the fangirls...I will probably have to battle fanboys on my way there, but I suppose they can be distracted with a power level debate. I'll just say Itachi Pain.

Pain: _Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!_

Itachi_: What, bro? Totally right lol, uchiha ftw u mad broseph?_

Minato: Who knows what dangers I'll have to face, alone? But I will do it, I will do it because you're my friends, and you believe in me! I will also do it for Yellow, the love of my life!

Tsunade: Yeah, but creepy and cliché, now off you...go *wincing from the pain, although we do not know if it were because of Minato's speech or her fangirl wounds*.

Minato: Sure, I just have one question.

Tsunade: What?

Minato: Why haven't you healed everybody yet?

Tsunade:...

Minato: Bye-bye!

Tsunade: Fuck...

AN: Our next mini-story! Can Minato save Afterlife from the fangirls? What horrors await him? In this upcoming story I'll talk about the (ridiculously requested) yaoi and yuri pairings, among other things! So I hope you'll keep reading!

A few explanations: Madara says 'oh the irony' because both I and the esteemed author of Naruto tend to recycle themes and jokes. I also hate the fact that people like Izuna, someone who has been mentioned like once, and it was only for the convenience of Madara. Even AFTER Obito had been revealed as Tobi, people thought it was IZUNA CONTROLLING THE BODY! WHAT?!

And yes, a lot of fanboys tend to debate power levels, which usually escalates at astounding speed. I'm not into that at all, but I do not understand how anyone, ever, could think Itachi is on the same level as Pain.

So, a few questions for you.

1 - Did you have a good new year's? Do you have any resolutions?

2 - What did you think of last week's Naruto chapter?

3 - What did you think of this chapter of The Hokage in the Afterlife?

4 - Why aren't you reviewing yet? Go, GO!


	32. Fangirl Euphoria II

"If I die in here I'm gonna kill him." - Urdnot Wrex, Mass Effect.

Warning: This chapter contains harsh language, talk about sex and content that makes fun of stereotypes. If you're easily offended, please do not read this chapter. You have been warned.

**...**

Minato stormed out of the Hokage's shared apartment without bothering to close the door behind him and without wondering why five people lived together like that even after they had all died. Well, not 'died', been killed would be a more suitable term, few Ninja just 'die'. You know, isn't it weird how they train the next generation of Ninja in a school-like environment? Like, with homework and everything? Sure it looks nice and cozy but aren't they all supposed to be aware that they're most likely all going to have really short, dull lives, dedicated to maintaining the prosperity of their village? And how come we never get to see the outside world at all? I mean there are some fanfics which portray the world in such stunning detail that one has to wonder how good Naruto could have been if it didn't derail after Pain was killed.

"And that is why no one should care about Izuna, nor mention him ever again!". Minato's thoughts were interrupted by that limey from the nefarious Senju DNA and Sharingan Club. Against his better judgement, he decided to ask them if they knew anything about raving fangirls.

"Very impressive, Madara!" an old man's voice said. "Next up I'll talk about why I was considered a big deal in the beginning of Shippuden, only to be fodderized without any ramifications later on in the series...Oh, Minato!"

The blonde Shinobi gave them a nod to acknowledge their greeting. "So, seen any crazy fangirls running around?".

"Yeah, apparently they've been causing all sorts of chaos around these parts" Obito the Aussie (Or 'Aussie the Obito' as Minato called him in his head) said. "Toph was really upset, although that's how she always is, as far as I'm concerned."

"What's going on, anyway?" Danzo asked, clearly curious about Minato's business.

"Apparently last week's chapter filled them with Shippingstrength, a rare power granted to fangirls whose favorite shipping is turned canon after a long time." Minato replied.

"Wait, they liked last week's chapter?!" Madara asked, perplexed. "But...the clichés?!"

"The awful dialogue?!" Obito chimed in.

"The corny, repetitive speeches?!" Danzo added.

"They're fangirls, they don't care about such things" Minato said with a shrug. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to see if Toph knows anything more. I also have to do it quickly before our readers get upset by the fact that I'm adding other characters to this incredibly unserious story."

"And before the fangirls start writing awful fanfics and ruin writing as a whole?" Madara asked helpfully.

"What?" Minato asked, confused. "Oh yeah, my original goal...yeah that too. Oh well, see ya! Don't do anything bad or I'll use my Lasso Rasengan no Jutsu on you!" - And just like that, he was gone again, leaving the members of the nefarious Senju DNA and Sharingan Club to wonder what a Lasso Rasengan was.

Lucky for Minato, the Avatar team lived nearby. The Hokage and Team Avatar didn't talk that much, since the eternal rivalry between Japanese animation and American animation persisted even in death. Few things are strong enough to last for longer than just one lifetime - fan convictions are one of them. Still, if there ever was a time for old grudges to be put aside, it was now. He approached the door, ignoring the nefarious Blood Bender Squad, consisting of Amon and Tarlokk who were squatting outside of Team Avatar's apartment just like Danzo's gang, and knocked.

"Oh, Minato! What a surprise, please come in!" a short girl with an impossible hairdo and light green eyes said pleasantly.

"You know, it looks like you never grew up, it looks like they just put your head on a grown woman's body." Minato blurted out.

*Punch to the face*

"Also, your Spanish voice actress sucks. It makes you sound like a depressed call girl"

*Groin kick*

"Also...what's wrong with your hair?"

*Punch to the stomach*

"Was that all?" Toph asked, looking pleased at the chance of punching him again.

"No, actually, I've got two questions I need answered. First of all, who the hell is the father of Lin?"

"Duh, Zuko of course?" Toph replied nonchalantly.

"I KNEW it! Anyway, I heard from our own squatting team of losers that you had also been bothered by the crazed fangirls running around. I was just wondering if you knew where they are. I plan to confront them, break their dreams and then send them to the next world."

"I like you"

"Everyone does, sugar tits."

"Anyway, I heard they make their foul nests at the peaks of Awesome Mountain. But to reach them your ideals, truths and convictions have to be solid. There is little room for doubt once you reach them, Namikaze. They can exploit it, use your weakness against you and turn you into a mindless husk, a shell of your former self! A man who only cares about power levels and explosions!" Toph said very seriously, her face close to Minato's as she emphasized every word.

"So they can turn me into a Dragonball fan?"

*High five and laughter*

"I admire your confidence, Namikaze. Are you sure you are right? Your fans don't always agree with what you say, how can you go on, knowing that those who are supposedly supporting you, think you're not 100% right?" Toph said, hands on her hips as she scrutinized Minato for any signs of weakness.

"I just shrug it off, label them idiots and move on with my own thing. I know I'm always right." Minato said with a grin.

"Oh yeah, how do you figure?"

"Well a lot of my readers actually believe women are NOT portrayed badly in Naruto, and also think Hinata's stand-off with Pain is indisputable proof of that."

Toph looked as if she had had a heart attack. "Why?" was all she could say for a while as she tried making sense of what Minato had just said. "Why...why? How could they think that?"

"Beats me, I don't think anyone who says something like that has actually watched Avatar."

"Yeah you're probably right. No one could watch Avatar and then say Naruto treats its female cast like that." Toph nodded, thinking that logic made sense. "I don't think it's healthy to grow up with too much manga or anime you know...you'll eventually end up with a pretty fucked up view of reality."

"I know. It almost makes me feel bad for the fangirls. Then I remember the awful fanfics and once again realize what I have to do." Minato said, shuddering as he thought about the fanfics. "Anyway, it's time for me to go and put an end to this, thank you for all your help. And Aang, buddy?"

"Yeah?" Ah...that delightful voice of a man-child, Minato thought.

"Katara will still look ancient when she gets here, just like my friend Hiruzen. You should probably get laid while you can." Minato replied helpfully and with a bright grin. As he left, he swore he could hear something along the lines of 'Noooo, 17 years?! 17 YEARS?! A fucking BREEZE COULD SET ME OFF!'

As Minato continued on his merry way, thinking about nothing and everything (but mostly about how he could think more clearly than before...almost as if the entire FORMAT of his thoughts had changed. Eh? Get it?) he heard a voice.

"So, you're Minato-san who seeks to destroy the Fangirl Sisterhood!"the voice said, as three different ghostly apparitions appeared before him.

"The FANGIRLS!" Minato gritted his teeth, had he been caught in a trap? Were their powers now so great that they could keep track of him?

"Indeed Minato-san, I am..."

"Stop it."

"What?"

"Stop it, stop adding a honorific to my name, you're not Japanese!"

"Japanese comes more easily to me than my own native language."

"BULLSHIT! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!" - Minato is mad, bro. And seriously, I've heard this shit before. Stop it, you're lying and you should feel horrible.

The three spectres that stood before him looked scared at first, but then the smugness returned to their faces. Two of the Fangirls were incredibly overweight. One of them had blue hair and the other pink. The third one was a tiny, fragile-looking girl with lolita clothes. Clearly the hottest in the gang. Also of course the only one who probably talks the least, and when she does, you know it's going to be boring.

"Why do you fight against us? We have been proven right! Naruhina is going to sweep over this land!" One of the fatties said. Minato mentally dubbed her Pinkyfatty.

"You never wanted to stop us before when it came to yaoi and yuri! Your fans are curious...why is that?" The other fatty said, AKA blueyfatty. Minato had wanted to ask them why they were fat if they basically lived on Japanese food but he supposed he could do that later. For now, it was time for strategy number one - try to beat Fangirls with logic and reasoning.

"Well you see, people will always write about weird pairings in the fandom, which I can be okay with. I really don't mind, as long as it is done well and the story is interesting. Hell, I can accept it if you're writing porn too. There's no reason yaoi or yuri should not exist or be ignored like that, since homosexuality is a very real thing. Diversity is always good - people finding their own niches, what they like in books, what makes them think, what makes them react. Books and stories are magical things that with only a few words can change how we perceive the world - can you imagine how literature would suck if all books were the same? No, that is not a world I want to live in.

So in short, if the fandom wants to write about homosexuality, then go ahead. It's not what I look for in a story, but if it is important to other people, then it is necessary that there are stories involving same-sex relationships. Also, I'm a strong supporter of gay rights. So there, that's why I don't complain about yaoi and yuri stories. Of course, I have never read one, and I can imagine the dialogue is awful - and THAT is something I can complain about.

Also, you Fangirls aren't writers, so I can't let you taint literature any more!"

*Silence*

"Omfg gay!" the short lolita girl said. Oh well, Minato didn't mind, she was pretty darn cute, and her breasts were bigger than her fat friends. It's funny how the world works sometimes. It's also funny how good looking people get away with almost everything.

"You are not a writer either, Minato-san!" Pinkyfatty said, enraged at having had her supposed 1337 writing skills insulted.

"No, I am not. But this story is about having fun and pointing out flaws to what could have been one of the best stories of all time! This story is just for people all over the world to laugh at! And nothing brings people together more than laughter, and that is what I am fighting for. I will defeat you - and I will now go to Mount Awesome to use my Lasso Rasengan no Jutsu on you!" Minato replied heroically.

"Or you can let us be" Blueyfatty said.

"And we can give you everything you've always wanted" Pinkyfatty continued.

"Well I am very interested in personal gain and my own wealth. What are you offering?" Minato said as he greedily rubbed his hands together. If there had been heroic music playing during Minato's speech, it would have ended abruptly.

"With our new powers..."

"...What we write..."

"...Can turn into reality"

*A blinding light appeared*

"And we know what you desire more than anything else!" The Fangirls cried in unison.

"It can't be!" Minato burst out, not believing his eyes. It had to be a trick. It just had to.

But as the light faded, Minato was sure he hadn't made a mistake. In front of him was a girl, no, a woman, an unconscious woman hovering in the air as if she were suspended in animation.

"Yellow..."

**...**

AN: And a CLIFFHANGER, in The Hokage in the Afterlife? What is the world coming to?

I don't know why I changed the way I write...I just wanted to try something new. I'll most likely return to the old way of writing later. I would have written properly, had English been my first languge. Sadly, as many of you have probably noticed, it is not, and I don't think my vocabulary is vast enough, nor would I describe things like environments or emotions well enough.

Anyway, did you like this chapter? Is it too random? Are you satisfied with the way I deal with problems? Do you now understand why I don't really care about yaoi/yuri? Why the hell aren't you reviewing yet?


	33. Fangirl Euphoria III - Ending

"_Why can't I do it?! Instead of lightning it keeps exploding in my face! Like everything always does..._" - Zuko, Avatar: The Last Airbender (also story of my life in one sentence)

Warning: This story contains material that might offend some people. While I make fun of stereotypes, and nothing in this story should be taken too seriously, I advise you not to read this chapter if you are a sensitive individual. You have been warned.  
**...**

Minato: Yellow...

Blueyfatty: Yes, yellow, Minato-san! I don't know what you see in her...

Minato: I think it's the straw hat...

Blueyfatty: ...But we brought here, to you! And, as a bonus, she's also of legal age, since pedophilia is not something to joke about - also we don't want to get banned from this website or make our readers think we're completely twisted.

Minato: Meh, might as well, I never did understand why the Japanese make their protagonists so damn young anyway - One would think Might Guy is the correct portrayal of an average Japanese man...

Blueyfatty: Who's Might Guy? Oh, you mean Maito Gai-sensei!

Minato: You make me lose faith in humanity!

Pinkyfatty: We will leave now, but just remember! Don't come after us! We're the only ones who can make blondieshipping happen, and you know it! You have been waaaaarned.

*The ghosts disappear back to Mount Awesome*

Yellow: Ugh...where am I?

Minato: You're so cute it makes me want to wrestle a bear naked to restore some of my manliness.

Yellow: Uh...thanks? So...who are you and where am I?

Minato: I am Minato, and welcome to Afterlife, where fictional characters go when they die and refuse to think of a decent name to call the place.

Yellow: Meh, I'm sure whatever name we chose we'd offend someone out there. People get butthurt for nothing these days.

Minato: I love you...

Yellow: Huh?

Minato: Tie my shoes...*and shut up! Come on, you're Minato Namikaze! The Yellow Flash of the Leaf...and she'll probably misunderstand that nickname. Don't use it. It's a stupid nickname anyway. Just play it cool, you're both blondes, that has to mean something right? And if someone makes a stupid blonde joke I will tear their throats with my ring finger!*

Yellow: Um, Minato, you're not tying your shoes...

Minato: Why in Kakko-Sama's name would I tie my...oh yeah! *Jeez, how long has it been since you had contact with a woman? Tsunade doesn't count...Japanese fanservice, that's what that is...50 years my ass, and they make the blonde girl with giant hooters look young, go figure...*

Yellow: So...are you ever going to tie your shoes?

Minato: Kakko-Sama DAMMIT! Yeah just give me a sec.

*Ten minutes later, because Minato can't tie his shoe laces*

Yellow: So...how did I get here?

Minato: Oh, it was just a bunch of hyperactive fangirls I'm on my way to destroy. Do you want to tag along?

Yellow: Sure, why not! I'm Yellow by the way!

Minato: A pleasure to meet you! So, how are you going to fight without any Pokémon up here?

Yellow: I'll think of something - besides, it's only a bunch of fangirls - their only attacks will be awful fanfic stories and the making of vague motivational posts and idiotic lists about how they look and the 'totally crazy shit yo' they do on their fanfiction profiles that no one would ever bother reading through.

Minato: I love you...

Yellow: Huh?

Minato: I see you...I mean, I see what you mean, and I agree!

Yellow: Oh! Well that's good, people are usually too afraid to speak out in such communities where the vast majority of people have never even read a decent book.

Minato: *She's not perfect don't get carried away she's not perfect don't get carried away...*

Yellow: Oh! We should totally find some fanboys and make fun of Dragon Ball and see their reaction. I mean that community is just a disaster! And why do people even like that series anyway?! It's just a bunch of half-naked men wrestling and...oooooooh...

Minato: WHY ARE YOU PERFECT?!

Yellow? Oh thank you! That's so nice of you to say! I like you too, your hair is very nice!

Minato: You know, I never did get manga hair...do people just wake up like this, I mean, with their hair spiky and standing out in every direction...often colored green?

Yellow: Pretty much - our eyes also take up most of our faces, that's so weird. I wonder how that'd look in reality...

Minato: I wonder how many Japanese people get disappointed when they realize that not every Westener has a giant bust. I mean, even the 12-year-olds have breasts the size of melons in our twisted world.

Yellow: Hey! I take offense to that! I actually managed to be an appealing protagonist without that! Even when I was 14!

Minato: 14? That must be some kind of record...It's almost...natural!

Yellow. Kudos to the guys who draw manga! They're learning, slowly but surely!

Minato: Ah, you're still young...I remember when I believed that...Anyway, we're here - Mount Awesome!

Yellow: Well that was fast and anticlimatic...there hasn't even been any indication to us walking.

Minato: Oh Yellow m'dear! You really are new here! No one wants to read about us walking to a destination, all they want is somewhat witty dialogue and story bashing! You're gonna love it here!

Yellow: But...the landscape isn't even described, we have no idea why it's called Mount Awesome and...are we seriously inside the fangirls' fort already? How did that happen?!

Minato: A little element I like to call Plot no Jutsu. Now, let's stay hidden and wait for the perfect opportunity to strike...

**...**

Cute little silent boring girl in lolita clothing: Omg I'm totally updating my fanfic profile! I'm telling everyone how CRAAAAZYYY ;) ;) ;) I am!

Blueyfatty: I'm totally writing a time-travel fic where Naruto joins Hinata's team! It'll be so romantic, and everyone will hate Sakura because I don't like her! And my OC will hook up with Sasuke and it'll look like a super pretty version of me!

Pinkyfatty: I'm making vague updates on social networks such as "I miss the good times we had 333" without bothering to explain it further and totally ignoring how absolutely retarded that sounds.

Clsbgilc: You should post some motivational pictures while you're at it, too! Something with a sunset and the sea in the background, and a large white text saying something along the lines of "I'm a free spirit, either fly with me or admire me from the ground" or something!

Pinkyfatty: Omfg that sounds perfect!

...

Yellow: Minato...I think my brain just died.

Minato: Yeah, we're not waiting, we're destroying these abominations right now. Nothing is worth this kind of torture.

*EPIC CRASH NO JUTSU!*

Blueyfatty: You came anyway, Yellow Flash!

Yellow: Tihi! Yellow Flash?!

Minato: Shut up! It sounds cooler in Japanese!

Yellow: Really?

Minato: No, that's what you say about everything if you're a die hard anime fan.

Yellow: True, true. So, are we supposed to have a dialogue with them or are we going to beat them at once?

Minato: Since this is the climax of the story, I suppose there's no way around having a dialogue.

Clsbgilc: True enough, Minato! We could have given you blondieshipping, your dream, and you ruined it!

Pinkeyfatty: We were the only ones with that power, and now, that shipping is forever out of your reach!

Yellow: Blondieshipping?

Minato: Yeah, shipping me and you. I hope you don't get freaked out, knowing that I love you!

Yellow: Minato, I heard you say that, twice!

Minato: Oh...Sooooooo...up for a drink later?

Yellow: Of course, since I'm a manga character, I have conveniently developed feelings for you within the five minutes we've known each other!

Minato: That's...very convenient. Should we warn the readers that this is most likely not ever going to happen in real life?

Yellow: They'll understand, they're not stupid.

Blueyfatty: Omg this is so romantic!

Yellow:...On the other hand: kids, romantic feelings in manga are rarely portrayed correctly and usually develop at an impossible rate. Also, no one is seriously in love with someone when they're 6-13 so stop writing creepy shipping fics about children!

Pinkeyfatty: Omfg what?

Blueyfatty: How dare you?!

Clsbgilc: Lying! You're lying!

Yellow: Bring it!

*Epic fight scene of epicness that I won't write about because, honestly, if you're reading THIS fic for the fight scenes, you're seriously barking up the wrong tree. I still love you all, of course. And your hair looks fantastic today.*

Yellow: Well that was easy.

Minato: Well that was hot...

*Light starts shining around Yellow*

Yellow: Oh no, with the fangirls defeated, nothing is holding me back in this world!

Minato: What?! NO! We were supposed to go out later! You can't leave me alone here, I live together with my four predecessors!

Yellow: I'm sorry Minato, but I have to go now!

Minato: Why! This isn't fair!

Yellow: Don't worry Minato, I'll be back one day, and I learned to love you for the 15 minutes we knew each other...just wait for me my love, and I'll be back one day...

*Cute, light kiss on the mouth.*

*Yellow disappears, leaving only her hat behind, which Minato picks up slowly.*

*Five minutes later*

Hashirama: HEY! Welcome back Minato! Thanks for saving fanfiction for us! You know, we've just got a great idea! Tobirama is making hollow water balls which we then fill with whiskey, put in the freezer and then we're gonna have a whiskey-ball fight and...Where did you get the straw hat from, and why do you look so sad?

Minato: Look, we can talk later, alright? It's been a rough day.

And so, Minato ignored his best friend and went straight to bed. Needless to say, the man didn't get much sleep that night. His thoughts circulated only the girl of his dreams, their short time together and the light peck at his mouth. As he covered his face with the straw hat, Minato started sobbing lightly, with no other company than the beautiful Afterlife moon and the yellow stars, far off in the distance.

**...**

**AN**: And the Fangirl Euphoria short story has ended. What did you all think? Too weird? I had a blast writing it though, that's for sure. Also, now I totally want to play whiskey-ball. I was also unsure about how to deal with Yellow but I think the dialogue between her and Minato was good enough.

So, before you start writing your review (because, you ARE going to write one, and you're gonna write a real one), I just have a question: where exactly are you from? I know a lot of my reviewers are from the Caribbean and Singapore - so thank you for your support, it means a lot to me! I'm writing this to please all of you! And no pun intended! Although, I am a damn handsome man...  
Also, if you're reviewing, don't just say "I'm from x!", because that's not supporting, that's just clogging my real reviews!

Also, yes, I love making fun of the Dragon Ball community, simply because the feedback is always so, so priceless. I feed on upset fanboy tears.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Yellow - Yellow is a character from Pokémon Adventures and belongs to Satoshi Yamamoto, Hidenori Kusaka and Nintendo. Please support the official release.


	34. Hot stuff and shady rules

"_Oooh, this is the archaeological find of the century! I'm turning this shit into trading cards!_" - Maximillion Pegasus, Yugioh the Abridged Series.

Warning: In this story there is plenty of mentions about sex, good-looking characters and other creepy stuff like that which is fun to write about. If you are easily offended or think you'd rather not read about this, please don't read this. Of course it contains no lemons or any of the sort, but still, some people are incredibly easy to upset. Like the Dragonball fanbase...and the Uchiha fanbase. Oh well, you have been warned.

**...**

Tobirama: You know, I get a bit worried when I see all these kids talking about who the hottest anime girl is.

Hashirama: How come?

Tobirama: Well the man is obviously going to think it's normal for a girl to have boobs the size of her head. Also, he'll probably assume they'll all be either A: nice, shy and will only have their eyes on him or B: fiery, passionate and will only have their eyes on him. - Also, he'll probably think that's how Japanese women are in general, in that warped little reality of his.

Hiruzen: Ah, the internet...just wait a few generations until this thing basically teaches all of our children how to act.

Minato: I thought that was what it was doing now? At least according to Americans. Also, how has no one made an inappropriate joke about us all living together?

Tsunade: It's strange how the Americans always know something the rest of us mortals don't...And Tobirama, my man, that's not only boys we're talking about. A lot of girls think they'll meet some kind of walking sex object with impossible hair, and who'll be impossibly romantic even though a lot of anime fans are nothing more than introverts.

Hiruzen: - Who act social on the internet.

Tsunade: Who act social on the internet indeed.

Minato: Well, I sort of like anime fangirls - not what they DO, but blue hair is sort of appealing, I don't know why, call me crazy.

Hiruzen: You're crazy. Pink is the way to go!

Hashirama: Aren't these all natural hair colors?

Tobirama: Not in the real world, broseph.

Hiruzen: Never say bro or any perverted aberration of it.

Hashirama: Oh...Too many fanfics for me I guess.

Tobirama: So who IS the hottest anime guy/girl anyway? Excluding ourselves, that is.

Hashirama: Oh wow...that's a tough one...

Tsunade: Steven Stone from Pokémon! Oh my God, he's like the walking sex object I've always dreamed of!

Minato: I thought you said introverts liked walking sex objects?

Tsunade: Well duh, I'm actually within his range, I mean, have you SEEN my chest? How was this NOT censored in the English version? And why do the Japanese keep drawing these melons on everybody left and right?

Tobirama: Gee, I wonder why, it truly is a mystery.

Hiruzen: That will have zero ramifications.

Hashirama and Minato: Indeed.

Tsunade:...Whatever I'll just say Steven Stone and that Tifa Lockheart from Final Fantasy, I believe? I don't know I've never played those games.

Hiruzen: TSUNADE NO!

Fanboy1: Umg no ff?

Fanboy2: Y u no liek japuness?!

Fanboy3: JAPUNESS!

Minato: LASSO RASENGAN NO JUTSU!

*Crash bonk tong dong fling ka-blama*

Hashirama: Phew, that was a close one...never say you haven't done anything Japanese around these parts. Anyway...I'll say Duke Devlin just because of the Abridged Series and Candy Cane from Rumbling Roses.

Tsunade: Grandpa...why have you been playing that game?

Hashirama: Sweetheart, I'm a Japanese manga character, of course I have played it.

Tsunade: Eew ew ew ew...

Hashirama: In fact all of us guys were playing it last night while you were asleep.

Tsunade: EW EW EW EW!

Tobirama: Anyway! I'd probably say Kushina and...

*AOUCH!*

Minato: Yeah, change that.

Tobirama: You're in love with Yellow!

Minato: Yeah here! She was still my wife you know!

Tobirama: FINE! I'll take Mito and...

*AOUCH!*

Hashirama: Yeah no.

Tobirama: What's up with all these restrictions? I don't remember any of you setting up any sort of rules for this! Fine! I'll take Samus from Metroid and Sasuke from...

*AOUCH AOUCH AOUCH AOUCH!*

*TREES NO JUTSU!*

Hashirama: Three strikes and you're out, those are the rules.

Tobirama: There were no rules!

Hashirama: There are now!

Hiruzen: Does Samus even count as a manga character? Whatever, there have been Metroid manga so I think I'll pick her as well. As for the guy? Revolver Ocelot!

Tsunade: Metal Gear Solid is not a manga! And you're talking about an old Russian double agent!

Hiruzen: Is there anything hotter?

Tsunade: Whatever, I'll just let that slide. Minato, you're the last one, let me guess, Yellow right?

Minato: How dare you try and dishonor blondieshipping with this competition? Yellow is a creature of beauty you thank the heavens for creating! She's not a sex object! No I'll go with Princess Zelda. She's quiet and mysterious - those are always the wild ones. - Also, a guy besides me? That's a tough one, and Steven and Duke are already taken eh...hm...Link?

Hiruzen: You can't use two characters from the same series!

Minato: Screw the rules I'm Minato Namikaze!

Tobirama: What rules?!

Hashirama: And stop quoting Littlekuriboh! That guy is probably facing at least 20 imposters on a daily basis, not to mention the fact that references suck.

Minato: But our humor is mostly based on references and the ideas of a sugar high guy with too much time on his hands!

Tsunade: And making fun of fandom, but really, they usually make fun of themselves, they just don't realize it.

Hiruzen: A toast then, to guys in their twenties making fun of things kids enjoy.

*Cheers!*

**...**

An: I couldn't come up with a good ending, so yeah, I took this one. A viritual toast to an inspiration of mine, Littlekuriboh. If you have not checked out his videos on youtube, do it. You won't regret it - I have never laughed more in my entire life.

So, who is the hottest guy/girl in anime/manga history? And for the love of Kakko-sama, don't do the whole "I'm not gay but...". We know, you're not automatically homosexual for thinking a person of the same gender is good looking. Hell, most guys are probably very envious of certain actors. Also, have some sense of humor - the characters may be drawn, but imagination usually makes it a lot sweeter.

And yes, I did want to creep some folks out with this chapter. Oh well, at least I have the decency to warn people.


	35. And many anime fans cried that day

"_You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?_" - Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's mask

**...**

Hashirama: Hm...Nope, can't do it.

Minato: You can't do what?

Hashirama: Concentrate or write.

Minato: Is it because of my sexy straw hat which is the only reminder I have of my one true love who lives in another world?

Hashirama: Actually no, although I must admit, you look good in a hat, I wonder why no one ever noticed that before, just like Itachi would look amazing with a moustache.

Minato: I know right? I bet the only reason he doesn't have one right now is because Sasuke would probably try getting a moustache too.

*Shudder*

Minato: So why can't you write?

Hashirama: No inspiration. What am I supposed to write about? How can I write when my feelings are just a blur and (at this point Minato starts inspecting his toe nails, because that is more interesting than listening to someone being all pretentious.)

Minato: Why don't you write a story with a hyperactive idiot as a protagonist? That seems to be working for a lot of people these days.

Hashirama: Dude didn't you basically describe your son?

Minato: Have I ever said I was proud of him?

Hashirama: I thought you said you believed in him?

Minato: That doesn't mean I approve of his lifestyle.

Hashirama: Are you talking about him chasing Sasuke? No grandchildren huh?

Minato: What? No! I'm talking about him being a loser in school, a twat later in life and he never visits our graves - not to mention he doesn't eat vegetables!

Hashirama: Yeah I know what you mean.

Minato: You have a child?

Hashirama: Minato, Tsunade is my grandchild, how do you think she came to be?

Minato:...Asexually?

Hashirama: *Pinching the top of the nose with eyes closed*

Minato: What?! It's like your child never existed to begin with! One would think the son/daughter of the First Hokage would be a big deal!

Hashirama: So, back to my writing?

Minato: Oh, well...Have you played Katawa Shoujo?

Fanboy1: JAPUNESS!

Fanboy2: DEY JAPUNESS!

Fanboy3: ARREYGAYTO!

Minato: Shut up you!

Hashirama: Playing a game called "Cripple Girls" will help me with my writing...?

Minato: Yeah! Wait, Hashirama, do you speak Japanese?

Hashirama: I AM Japanese...ish. I think. Anyway, yes.

Minato: Oh well it's hard to know for sure, what with everyone using English words and phrases from time to time. Seriously if I hear another "sank you" or "PIN-POINTUDESU!" I am going to punch a kitty.

Anyway yeah, it's basically a visual novel with a few sprites, themes and sound effects. All you ever really do is read, except for making a few choices that can affect the story positively or negatively, but those are very few.

Hashirama: I still don't really understand what this has anything to do with crippled girls or how crippled girls would help my writing. If anything, they'd probably drool over it, AM I RIGHT?

Minato: Hashirama, just so our readers will understand you were joking and didn't actually mean anything bad by that, I will just have to say that you're being incredibly offensive and insensitive. Anyway, shut up and let me explain!

You're more or less reading from the protagonist's perspective as he gets hospitalized for an unspecified amount of time, then transfered to a school for people with various disabilities.

Hashirama: And once there we read about his sexual exploits as he tries to get into disabled girls' pants?

Minato: No! Well, sort of...

Hashirama: You're fucking sick!

Minato: Shut up! Even though the game is Japanese, the girls actually look somewhat realistic! And it's all about "the feels" as everyone likes to say. It's really quite an emotional rollercoaster - and it doesn't always end well either. I believe there are five girls and you can royally screw up with everyone of them. Or just make everyone's life better - it's up to you and your ridiculously few, vague choices! It's all about learning how to cope with life and not letting your predjudices get the better of you and other beautiful stuff.

Hashirama: And then you have sex with teenage girls...

Minato: And then you have sex with...Hey! That's not even the point! It's just like watching a romantic movie with a sex scene, that doesn't make it porn. Look, just give it a try, I'm honestly surprised this game isn't more popular considering it seems to contain absolutely everything a fangirl could want.

Hashirama: Except for, you know, guys.

Minato: True enough I guess.

Hashirama: Very well, I shall now watch animated crippled people have sex. If you would excuse me, Minato!

Minato: That would have sounded incredibly weird out of context you know. Whatever, I'll see you tomorrow.

*Tomorrow!*

Minato: Hm...why is this site down due to 'overload of horrible fanfics submitted by...'...Oh dear!

*Hashirama enters wrapped in a baby-blue blanket, hugging a teddy and with red eyes*

Hashirama: It worked!

...

AN: ABRUPT ENDING NO JUTSU! But I think it's funnier this way.

So I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to write about today, I just wrote what came to mind - although I didn't mean to quite 'sell' an entire game, I think everyone on this site would enjoy that free to play game. Not to mention it fits so well with Hashirama's personality (well, my Hashirama anyway, the canon one...maybe not so much). Also, being both a gamer and a reader, I think good visual novels should get a bit more attention, and it's up to fans to help in any way they can.

Honesty, check out a walkthrough on youtube and you'll understand what I mean. That is, if you want to have something to read and have 'feels'. And I'm quite sure the vast majority will fall in love with Hanako. Maybe Rin too, but Hanako seems to be the fan favorite by far. (My favorite is Lilly. Okay that's a lie, it's Akira, but sadly she doesn't count)

Also, my question in the beginning remains: what makes a good protagonist? Please tell me in the reviews. Also, please avoid saying "well the protagonist of my fanfic" or anything of the sort. I will absolutely not take you seriously.

Disclaimer: Katawa Shoujo belongs to Four Leaf Studios. I take absolutely no credit for it, nor am I associated with it in any way, shape or form.


	36. Pure satisfaction

"_Now my blind eyes see what others cannot. That, sometimes, the hand of fate - must be FORCED!_" - Illidan "The Betrayer" Stormrage, Warcraft 3 The Frozen Throne.

...

Hiruzen: I'll always remember this moment.

Tsunade: I think I have to lip my licks in satisfaction.

Tobirama: This is more exciting than watching porn for the first time!

Minato: Where's that champagne?!

Hashirama: It's...it's so beautiful!

Madara: _What are you gents talking about in there?_

Hiruzen: We're talking about how we all get the weirdest boner from seeing Rock Lee, the loser, split you in half with a kick!

Madara:_ I suddenly regret asking you...I'll just go and drown my sorrow in tea, because that's what we Brits do, according to the internet and mildly racist families._

Tsunade: Alcoholic beverages no jutsu!

*And delicious alcohol appeared. If only it were that simple...*

Tobirama: To Rock Lee! The loser who owned the most obnoxious character in the entire series!

Everyone: CHEERS!

Hashirama: Oh I can just SMELL the fanboys coming up with excuses...

Minato: "its no fair cuz he wus stuck in joobi end was only pleying around!"

Tsunade: Oh! Are we doing impressions? Alright, the pretentious fanboy, then. "Clearly, Madara just gave him a free kick and will now get serious. You KIDS don't understand that. You know, because you're kids, and I am 15 years old. Kids."

Tobirama: Let's not forget the trolls either. "lol lee bettur then madara u mad fanbois?!"

Hiruzen: Ah, may the internet never change...

Hashirama: Except for obnoxious commercial everywhere. Espcially the kind that makes noise.

Hiruzen: Alright, you've got a point.

Tsunade: So, why DO people like Madara anyway?

Madara: Still here, being depressed.

Tsunade: I mean they guy's got zero personality, is clearly overpowered to the point where he's utterly broken and is still praised by the fans. Some people even call him the greatest villain of all time.

Hashirama: Well his design is fairly appealing and distinct. Of course I'm no big fan of the hair but then again I'm not five. It defies gravity like Hinata's breasts...

Tobirama: It feels like we've made fun of that several times already.

Hashirama: I doubt our readers will notice. Besides, it's true.

Minato: I guess some people just think that his cocky one-liners are funny and that makes him a good villain, maybe? And I suppose a lot of people get off of powerful attractive males. I mean, look at certain other popular manga.

Hiruzen: But...his one-liners just make him seem like that little fat bully who gloats right until you break his favorite toy.

Minato: That's how you stopped bullies when you were Hokage?

Hiruzen: Yeah, why?

Minato: Hm...

*Flashback*

Fat bully: Hoah hoah hoah! I'm a fat dork looking for trouble, and I will now use my physical superiority to beat you, because that's what real men do - beat up people weaker than them! Also, it helps that you're different because messing with your insecurities make me feel better about my own!

Minato: Not so fast you rapscallion!

Fat bully: It's the Hokage! Can I have your autograph?

Minato: No, but you have my permission to get the fuck out of here - RASENGAN!

Fat bully: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhh...

Adorable orphan: Thank you sir!

Minato: It's what I do, remember to stay in school. eat your vegetables and beat up bullies!

Adorable orphan: Yes sir!

*End flashback*

Minato:...No reason.

Hashirama: Anyway, I agree, a real villain is someone who is believable, has a story and a motive, whose character fits into the story and is doing his best to put a stop to you! Not a cocky guy hurling insults like a spoiled brat whose pride will eventually be his downfall. Guess which category Madara falls into.

Tsunade: Yeah I agree, there should've been a final arc after the Pain Invasion arc and then he should've left it at that. Seriously, the power levels now are absurd, and I don't give a rat's ass about Madara anyway. Sure, I cared about Obito but now he's gone all Sasuke on us. Sigh...and so much more could've been done with his character...

Minato: Yeah well, nothing beats Kabuto still being alive.

Hiruzen: Yeah but his appearance and motives made absolutely zero sense, his fight was boring and I don't know a single soul who cared about his incredibly shallow backstory. If you ask me, he should've died in season one, when he was first struck by Naruto's Rasengan. The fact that he has survived this long is just idiotic.

Hashirama: Oh well, to believable villains!

Tobirama: To Rock Lee!

Hiruzen: To Hinata's gravity-defying breasts!

Minato: To my awesome hat!

Tsunade: And a clogged toiled to the kids who make you lose IQ points everytime you read their posts on a forum.

***CHEERS!***

AN: Alcohol and villains, what could be better? I don't have much to write here today except for the obvious question: what makes a good villain? As always, don't bring up your own fanfic as an example or I won't take you seriously. Also, another question: do you have any question to the Hokage? I'm thinking of making a "The Hokage answer reviews" chapter, so get creative and ask something interesting/funny.

Also, I'm serious. I don't get the whole Madara hype thing. I think he's the worst thing that has happened to the Naruto series period. He's just so boring, uninteresting, shallow and frustratingly OP that it makes me just wish the fight could end soon. And his fanbase is one of the worst I've seen in the fandom, beaten only by Sasuke's and Itachi's. Notice how they're all Uchiha? Yeah, what a coincidence.


	37. The Hokage Answer Questions

"_Man, if I smoked right now, I'd look so cool..._" - Akira Satou, Katawa Shoujo

**...**

Hiruzen: I believe it is time for the first "Ask the Hokage" round!

Tsunade: Indeed it is! Why are we excluding the Akatsuki by the way? I mean, Itachi has grown an awesome moustache we could make fun of.

Tobirama: Didn't we agree Itachi would look amazing with a moustache?

Tsunade: Yes but we make fun of everything here, even if it looks good.

Tobirama: Touché...

Amas-rohtua: Don't worry guys, I can fill in!

Hashirama: Who the hell are you?

Amas-rohtua: What? Can't a stranger just pop in, enjoy this marvelous story and listen to you answer a few questions? It's a free Afterlife.

Minato: I don't trust this guy...

Hiruzen: Whatever, let's just go...Our first question(s) come in from TheGirlWithNoIQ...

Tsunade: Ah, bless her heart, her reviews always fill my chest with such joy...

Minato: And many fanboys drowned in their own nosebleed that day...

Hiruzen: "Tobirama, is it a high possibility that you became the Hokage just because you were Hashirama's brother." - Yes.

Hashirama: Yes.

Minato: Yes.

Tsunade: Yes.

Amas-rohtua: I agree!

Tobirama: Fuck you guys! I came up with the Edo Tensei jutsu!

Hashirama: Aaand look where that got us...

Amas-rohtua: I thought Orochimaru came up with the reanimation jutsu?

Hiruzen: I think that was the case in the first part of the series...aaaand then it was changed for whatever reason.

Tobirama: Nope. I did it. You can't prove otherwise lalalala.

Minato: If that's the case then why didn't you just release yourself of Orochimaru's grasp when he summoned you back?

Tobirama: Oh...erm...because...

Tsunade: Because it hadn't been thought of yet, and it was the absolutely lamest possible way Madara could've survived anyway, so I'm glad you didn't use it too. Seriously, why didn't Madara just use Izanagi and lost an eye instead of pulling a jutsu out of his anus?

Hiruzen: Ah...The Uchiha...making sure to ruin the plot wherever they go...Anyway, next question from TheGirlWithNoIQ: Tsunade, in all honesty, does the Mizukage have a bigger chest than you? Or does another kunoichi win?

Tsunade: What the hell is a kunoichi?

Minato: I believe they're female Ninja.

Tsunade: There are female Ninja?

Tobirama: Erm, aren't you one?

Tsunade: I'm a healer...according to the Japanese, summoning and healing is all we're good for in fights. Anyway, no, I have the bigger chest, but the Mizukage is fanservice incarnate, just like Hinata - they focus more on exposing skin, have a more appealing and mild-natured personality and have a slimmer figure.

Hashirama: That was an...oddly serious way to answer that question...

Tsunade: Yeah well, I never mess around when it comes to fanservice.

Hiruzen: Anywaaaay...last question: rhcpftw, what's the source of all these ideas and what the Hokage talk about? Do you have like a second brain? - Who's rhcpftw?

Hashirama: I don't know.

Minato: Probably some loser.

Amas-rohtua: Hey, you don't know that. I bet he's a really nice guy...but I'm fairly sure he doesn't have two brains...he might just be an average guy with high standards when it comes to literature and is just sick of the fanbase which keeps talking about power levels instead of actually discussing the manga as a whole, or adressing issues in it...Also, he might be sick of 99% of the fanfics which are usually horrendously unoriginal, poorly written and don't learn from the real series' mistakes.

Tsunade: Do you know this guy?

Amas-rohtua: What gave you that idea?

Tsunade: No reason. I just think it's a douche.

Amas-rohtua: What the hell?!

Hiruzen: Moving on, this question comes from Uzumaki111: Did Madara die a virgin?

Hashirama: Actually, yes, because everyone in the Narutoverse are either completely asexual, obsessed with one individual (usually since they were six years old or something) or a pervert. Madara was the former, which seems to be the norm.

Hiruzen: Once again, surprisingly serious, even if the answer itself is rather funny because it's true...oh well, moving on. Coming from Sanma Rin: Tsunade, did you ever have a physical attraction to a certain hermit? I can't help it, I've always rooted for him. - What, the Sage of the Six Paths? Sometimes it's translated as Hermit of the Six Paths.

Tsunade: No you moron he means Jiraiya, everyone would have wanted to sleep with the Sage of the Six Paths. As for the physical attraction, are you kidding me? Have you seen his body? I would have taken that badboy for a ride he'd never have been able to forget if he weren't such a douche. Face it kids, don't take any sexual advice from a manga, you'll end up VERY disappointed - perverts are globally despised, I have NO idea why it's so popular in Japan. Sure, some whackyness is alright, after all, we all took Jiraiya much more seriously whenever he wasn't fooling around because you knew shit was about to go down. But take my word for this: don't. Be. A. Pervert. - Period.

Hashirama: And I just listened to my granddaughter telling the world she'd have slept with someone if he weren't a pervert and then shared some advice on how to pick up chicks...

Tobirama: Yeah, and she's my niece too...What the hell did you teach your son/daughter of whom we have never heard?!

Hashirama: I didn't do anything! I'm flawless, I'm the Ninja Messiah!

Minato: Wow wow wow, let's not get religious here, we wouldn't want people to actually get mad in the reviews...oh wait, yes we do!

Amas-rohtua: And before Minato starts a flamewar, I'll stop this right here. So did you enjoy this chapter? Should we do it again sometime? Do you...

Tsunade: What the hell are you doing?

Amas-rohtua: I'm wrapping things up!

Minato: Dude...who are you?

Amas-rohtua: I'm no one, I don't wish to be anyone, I'm...

Hashirama: TREES NO JUTSU!

Amas-rohtua: AH!

**...**

**AN:** So! That was surprisingly fun to write. Did you enjoy it? Should I do it again sometime? Remember, I wouldn't have written anything if it weren't for you amazing reviewers! I'm sorry I couldn't answer all questions, but I love you all anyway.

So, today's question is: what makes a good OC story? Have you read one? - As always, don't include your own fanfics because I won't take you seriously. I also know about "don't make them Mary Sues/Gary Stus" so you can skip that part. This is about how a GOOD OC story should be handled.

I for one think there's a lot of potential in OC stories simply because a lot of stories about the main characters tend to revolve around the same things. Reading a (WELL-WRITTEN, GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT - I simply can't stress that enough. I simply don't read fanfics otherwise.) story about someone from a small, unknown Ninja village would be amazing, I feel like. You could write about how you view larger villages like tyrants, how the wars have taken a toll on your very culture and so on. Then again, what do I know, I don't think I've read any good OC stories. I'm just speculating and trying to start a conversation here.


	38. The dead shall serve!

"_Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps_." - Doctor Mordin Solus, Mass Effect 2

**...**

Tsunade: Where the hell are they? I swear if they're comforting Minato for crying over Yellow again I'll send them to Sokka for some manliness training. At least that'd make me giggle. And if Minato and Hashirama are posing together in front of the Japanese Corner in order for us to get some fangirls I'll personally smash their heads together...Whatever, I don't need them, I can have fun on my own, right?

*Five minutes later*

Tsunade: THIS SUCKS! Where the hell are they!? I never realized how BORING death is unless you've got some company. I wonder if I should just kick the Nefarious Senju DNA and Sharingan Club's asses again, that usually cheers me up.

Konan: Oh hey there Tsunade, want to join us for a cup of tea?

Tsunade: Oh Konan you really are an angel! Some tea would be fantastic!

Kisame: So what were you crying about?

Tsunade: First of all, I don't cry. I've made it my personal mission not to cry in this series because only women cry in Naruto unless it's supposed to be a touching moment for the guys. Secondly, I can't find my so-called friends.

Kisame: You must be really fun at parties...

Konan: Didn't you read this week's manga? They've been resurrected again by Orochimaru!

Tsunade: What?! But, the Reaper Death Seal?!

Pain: Apparently, Orochimaru found a way to bypass that.

Sasori: I still don't know if that is ridiculously epic or Plot no Jutsu. I guess I'll go with the flow as I always do. You know, back in my day, turning yourself into a puppet was considered the epitome of manliness. Sigh, the things we do for attention...

Tsunade: What, seriously? So all the Hokage are there while I'm supposedly bleeding to death in the middle of nowhere with my legs missing?

Itachi: Pretty much.

Tsunade: HOW IS THAT FAIR?!

Pain: How is it fair that people genuinely believe Itachi is still stronger than I am?

Itachi: Uchiha ftw u mad bro?

Konan: How is it fair we Akatsuki were supposed to be a feared, evil organization yet we're constantly being portrayed as comic relief and just a bunch of lovable losers?

Kisame: How is it fair Konan got a bunch of fans even though she didn't really say or do anything of importance, while I'm largely ignored even though my accomplishments and epic death scene are numerous?

Konan: I did stuff!

Kisame: Name one thing.

Konan: I almost killed Obito!

Kisame: You failed even with massive preparations and you were almost useless during the Pain Invasion arc.

Konan:...I really do suck, why does everybody love me so?

Hidan: Because you've got blue hair and a smoking hot body!

Pain: ALMIGHTY PUSH!

Hidan: IT'S STILL THE TRUUUUuuuuthhh...

Pain: And now we just have to wait for the people who will yell at me for saying Almighty Push instead of Shinra Tensei, even though using the Japanese name adds absolutely nothing of value to an English fanfic and this is in fact a parody story where very few things should be taken seriously.

Deidara: UH! Something just hit me.

Kisame: Please tell me it was your ability to speak properly...

Deidara: Why would the Hokage ever help Sasuke, yeah? I mean, doesn't he want to destroy the village they fought so hard to protect, hm?

Itachi: My little brother tends to warp the plot around him, he managed to survive against you after all.

(No, seriously, watch that again. Sasuke was hurt, out of chakra, could barely stand and Deidara was about to explode - yet he still manages to: summon a snake, cast a genjutsu on it and then warp away. What the actual hell?)

Konan: Won't Orochimaru be able to force them into talking?

Pain: I doubt it, so far we've only seen the ability to suppress personalities and control movements, nothing speaks for Orochimaru actually being able to force some juicy lore out of them. Either they'll talk on their own accord, or this entire stunt is nothing but a huge load of bullshit and Plot no Jutsu.

Tsunade: Well I wonder what my associates reaction to being resurrected will be. Especially Hashirama and Tobirama, this is the second time now...I get the feeling this is either done to please the fanbase or the author regrets bringing Hashirama and Tobirama back in the Chunin Exams arc.

Sasori: Hiruzen will most likely be angry at seeing Orochimaru, and disappointed in Sasuke...but one would think he'd be the one to try and talk Sasuke out of destroying the village - he did care for Sasuke as a kid.

Tsunade: By Kakko-sama!

Konan: What's wrong sweetie?

Tsunade: My uncle!

Konan: Yes?

Tsunade: He'll get a chance to develop a personality, get screen time and actually accomplish something! What is going on with the world?

Itachi: Hm...you're right, the Second Hokage has basically done nothing that we know anything about...He's been largely ignored.

Kisame: And he too has got a huge fanbase for some reason. What the actual hell? Is even Izuna more popular than me now?

Tsunade: Don't mention that name, people actually wanted Tobi to be him.

Kisame: Why on EARTH would anyone want a nobody to be Tobi?

Tsunade: When a character is lacking, people love adding details, making up a few plausible theories in order to flesh out its personality to their own liking.

Deidara: HUH! Well anyway, at least this way maybe we'll finally get to see who the strongest Hokage is, so that debate will die once and for all, yeah.

Kakuzu: I'm not sure they'll be fighting at all actually. A major theme in this (so-called) war is previous generations being surpassed by the new one. If the previous Hokage are thrown in just like that to help, it'll all be for nothing. Not to mention it's literally a fight between two people and their pokémon vs the world. Adding more powerhouses into the mix would just make things unnecessarily complex.

Itachi: I wouldn't mind seeing Orochimaru doing something dastardly with his new puppets however. I refuse to believe he is doing all this without a plan or just out of the goodness in his heart. Also, I want the Hashirama hype to die down. Fast. I also want this arc to be over with, even if I'm curious to hear what the Hokage have to say, especially Minato, believe it or not. I'm just not that interested in Hashirama and Tobirama is still a nobody.

Tsunade: Well, didn't Tobirama create the Reanimation Jutsu? And Madara pulled the explanation out of his ass about 'if one knows the seals one can break the contract'? And my uncle supposedly created it, so if he DOESN'T use it this SECOND TIME, I'll get upset. Also, what happened to Orochimaru's shoulders in the last chapter? I mean look at the last page.

Kakuzu: Huh...he must've gone to the Ninja Gym...

Sasori: Interesting...I might adapt that style...

Konan: I guess we'll have to wait and see. I'm looking forward to the dialogue. Only time will tell if this is the recipe for success or disaster...I can't deny being intrigued.

Tsunade: If they mess up I'll so laugh at them. I wonder if they'll end up breaking free and join the fight...I mean, I doubt they'd be summoned like that just to fade away again after a few chapters. I mean, bringing those four back is sort of a big deal. Well, maybe not Tobirama, but those other three!

Konan: You just wait, they'll join Sasuke on their own accord because his revenge is justified.

Tsunade: Don't even joke about that...the fact that people can be so extremely irrational boggles my mind. That'd be even WORSE than being Orochimaru's lap dogs...Oh well, from one thing to another, why do you guys drink tea instead of whiskey?

Pain: There's alcohol up here?

Tsunade: Uh, yeah? You live just outside "Bob's Spirits".

Deidara: PAIN-DAMMIT ITACHI! YOU SAID THAT WAS A HIPPIE STORE!

Kakuzu: We've been here for three years without alcohol just because Itachi wanted to pull a prank?!

Itachi: Yes but, y u so mad? Roflcopter imma out of here u noobs!

Pain: UNIVERSAL PULL!

Itachi: Mommy...

**...**

An: Just to clarify: the Hokage swear by Kakko, the most evil villain in all of Naruto, while the Akatsuki swear by Pain. Also, they've been without alcohol for years now simply because Itachi lied to them. A serious beating awaits. Also, regardless of the outcome of the coming chapters, I'll bring back the other Hokage, I just didn't want to pass up the opportunity of Tsunade being on her own like this. Also, Orochimaru's body in the last panel of last week's chapter...awesome.

I don't know what to make of this week's chapter to be honest. I can't help but feel that bringing those four back is nothing but fanservice and it will derail the entire plot, but another part of me is genuinely curious to where this plot his heading. I also want to see all the Hokage's reactions to being summoned like that. I don't know if I want them to join the fight, however, and I don't think Minato and Naruto should meet - they've already said all that needs to be said, and I doubt Minato wants to be a zombie just so he can see Naruto becoming Hokage or whatever. - What do you think?

Also, did you like this chapter? As you already know, your reviews contribute to keeping the aliens from attacking us, so keep doing your duty, my loyal minions! If you haven't already done so, you may also include where you're from. I find that incredibly interesting. I actually had a few Japanese readers last month...I thought they stayed away from this website. I hope they're alright with me constantly bashing their writers and quite possibly their entire culture.


	39. More Uchiha? How about no

"_If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea_."

"_Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!_" - Sir Winston Churchill

**...**

Minato: WOH! 30.000 views! We're famous! Soon people will interrupt me on my way to the store and...

Tobirama: SILENCE!

Minato: What?

Tobirama: You heard me.

Minato: Oh come on, don't tell me you're going to be influenced that easily by the latest chapter?

Tsunade: Yeah come on, as the only unbiased person here, I must say, it was awful.

Hashirama: You're just jealous you didn't get to be at our awesome meeting.

Tsunade: Yeah, exactly. I'm jealous because I wasn't compared to Goku, Vegeta, praised Itachi whose fanbase is already hard enough to deal with...

Itachi: _Uchiha ftw i keep telling u lol_!

Tsunade: Or just standing there looking stupid, like Minato.

Minato: Hey I did stuff! I was polite to Orochimaru...for some reason...

Fanboy1: _HASHEREMEA IS GOKU!_

Fanboy2: _TOBEYREYMA IS VEGETA!_

Tsunade: See what I mean?

Hiruzen: I was forced to talk well about an Uchiha...life will never be the same again. Food has no taste anymore!

Tobirama: We're drinking whiskey as always...

Hiruzen: Oh yeah...

Fanboy3: _HASHARAYMA IS GOKU!_

Tsunade: But honestly! What the hell happened this chapter?! No one of you was really that surprised at being summoned AGAIN, and you just started talking about whatever just for the hell of it? I mean, if I were suddenly DRAGGED BACK TO LIFE I just IMAGINE I'd have a few questions, such as - which year was it, what's happened to my loved ones, the village and so on? You guys just stood there! Especially you Minato, ARGH!

Minato: Look, I'm sure it'll be fixed in the upcoming chapter...I'll most likely kick ass in one way or another as I always do.

Hiruzen: I'm not sure, do you think you're still remembered? I mean, we're only talking about the Uchiha...once again...talking about a dead clan and how awesome they are and how nothing can compare to them. Again.

Fanboy4: _HASHIRAYMA ES GOKU!_

Tsunade: Aaanyway, can we all agree this chapter was awful? Especially the part about the power of love? It was just so stupid and didn't make any sense, especially not when you look at Itachi and Shisui - and even IF a plausible explanation is given, it's still about the most retarded plot 'twist' I've ever heard. They grow mad from losing someone they love - but it increases their hatred and power? What?! I mean, we all knew the Uchiha were a bunch of unstable individuals but THIS is the reason? It's absolutely absurd!

Tobirama: But...I schooled Sasuke...

Minato: Congratulations, that is most likely the most important thing you've ever done in the manga, 619 chapters in, and you're one of the Hokage. well done!

Tobirama: Aw...

Hiruzen: Should we be afraid of Tobirama's chance to actually do something and develop a character? I mean, one of our running jokes will be obsolete...

Minato: Well he hasn't cancelled the Edo Tensei yet for some reason, even though he created it. WHY?! Shouldn't that logically be your first order of business after potentially being controlled by a megalomaniac who can suppress your personality?!

Tobirama: I'm working on it! I believe...for some reason I've got to stand there and talk to Sasuke about the Uchiha...I'm sure it's all very important.

Hashirama: Yeah yeah, you've got it so hard - now everyone compares me to Goku and expects me to go and fight Madara on my own - while Naruto, Obito, the 45-tails pokémon and 40.000 redshirts just stand there and watch.

Minato: People think I have fox powers!

Hiruzen: People don't expect me to do anything!

Tobirama: I must prove I'm worthy of being a Hokage, and people think I might be evil!

Tsunade:...I'm lying on a rock, missing my legs and using the last of my strength to save the other four Kage.

Everyone else: Oooooh...

**...**

AN: Yeah, not a very fun chapter today but I just felt so uninspired. Even though it was pretty much just fanservice to bring the Hokage back, I was actually thrilled at the thought of them doing something interesting. Instead they just stand there and accept their fate - Tobirama can't even break free of his jutsu, like Madara did, Minato just stands there and Hiruzen praises Itachi. Worst chapter since the Kabuto flashbacks if you ask me.

Also, the forums were ablaze with threads about Hashirama being Goku and Tobirama acting like Vegeta. It was horrifying. As someone who can't stand Dragonball, the last thing I want is for Naruto to act even MORE like it.

I wonder if the Hokage will actually join the battle. I mean, that's what everyone expects, but considering that this war has been a lot about new generations surpassing old ones, it wouldn't make sense for them to participate. Not only that but it's literally two guys and their pokémon against 40.000 people - how many Shinobi must we add before they're defeated? It's just so stupid. I wonder if I'll even bother reading next week.

Anyway, let me know what you thought of this week's chapter. Also, if you could change certain key parts about the Naruto story, what would that be? - Please don't just say you'd bring people to life because you miss them, that's the lowest form of story change. I mean things like - what would you have focused more on, expanded on and so on. - What would, in your opinion, have made this story better?

Also, what's the deal with people saying Dragonball is better than Naruto because the power levels are higher? What, so if I create a story where people can blow up the entire universe by snapping their fingers, the story is automatically better than Dragonball? I'm not even kidding here, people have said that Dragonball is better than Naruto because people can blow up planets.

Reviewing this story saves baby pandas. True story.


	40. Please, I'm fabulous

"_Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn_!" - Rhett Butler, Gone With The Wind.

...

Hashirama: I'm too sexy for my armor, I'm too sexy for my DNA, I'm too sexy for my...

Hiruzen: I'm too sexy for my beard, too sexy for my wrinkles, too sexy for my...

Tsunade: My grandpa and mentor singing about how sexy they are. Why did I pass up on moving in with Konan again?

Tobirama: Because Pain would be around all the time?

Tsunade: You know, I thought she and Yahiko were an item?

Tobirama: Oh yeah...where is Yahiko anyway?

***Meanwhile, down on Earth***

Yahiko: I can't believe those idiots thought I died from running into a kunai. I mean, no one gets killed by a kunai. Time to go party!

***And back to our lovable losers***

Tobirama: Probably talking about tears and pain somewhere...

Hashirama: We're singing about how we look, and our clothes.

Hiruzen: Yeah. You know, who makes this stuff? Where do Ninja buy their clothes? Why do we never change our clothes?

Tobirama: Well, Madara, Hashirama and I all have some kind of samurai armor...

Hashirama: Incorrect.

Tobirama: I beg your pardon?

Hashirama: Have you seen your design? What the hell were you thinking? "I'm trying to be a badass, so what would go well with my blue armor? Oh yeah! White fuzz!"

*Laughter*

Tobirama: SILENCE.

Hashirama: That doesn't work. In our story, you're a loser. Also apparently still in the real one, where Orochimaru schools you.

Tobirama: Aw...

Hiruzen: And it is true, Tobirama, what were you thinking with the white fuzz? I mean, the Edo Tensei I get, but seriously, white fuzz?

Tobirama: It brings out my eyes!

Tsunade: And the fact that you drive your car on the other side of the road.

***Ooooooh***

Minato: Okay, so we have established that Tobirama has weird tastes, and that people dressed like samurai in the past. So who designs modern clothes? At least we Hokage have somewhat normal clothes, but who actually designs an orange jumpsuit?

Tsunade: Meh, it's iconic, and probably a tribute to Dragonball. Also, I can only imagine how many fanfics have Naruto change clothes - not start out with different clothes, but change...most likely under a new sensei or at the request of a different love interest. Because Sakura doesn't have any fashion sense, apparently. Just a wild guess.

Hiruzen: I've got a better question: where did Sasuke get new Uchiha clothes while training with Orochimaru? What, did he PACK? Did he seriously pack clothes for when he hit sixteen or whatever? Or did Kabuto sew his clothes? That sounds more likely. Or maybe they just went shopping...?

Hashirama: Huh...I can actually see Kabuto sewing. Well, before he became a creepy snake dude hungry for attention. You know, like teenagers on community sites.

Minato: Huh...that sort of makes sense. Speaking of community sites and the haven of slutty ego pics of guys and gals alike, what's up with the female wardrobe? I mean, just look at Ino, Mei and Fu. I mean, sure, we don't see Fu that much, and I bet there are quite a few people who say that Ino dresses rather normally, even though I doubt there are people who dress like that every day unless they live in a very hot climate where everyone walks around like that, but Mei is the top dog in her village. I mean, she's the leader of one of the great nations...and she walks around...like that? What would happen today if a politician did that? And where the hell did she buy that anyway?

Tsunade: Silly Minato, everyone knows all girls dress like sluts and can sew. Mei most likely made that garb herself. Please feel the sarcasm.

Hiruzen: And Minato, you're too generic.

Minato: I beg your pardon? Have you seen my hair? I'm fabulous!

Tobirama: You just have a cloak on top of the normal Chunin/Jonin outfit! Even Anko has a more unique look than you, and she's in like two chapters!

Minato: Well what do you want me to do about that? I can't compete with fanservice! I don't have a magical coat that stays in the exact same place at all times, preventing people from seeing my nipples! Besides, I can cook! Besides the Ramen Guy, I'm the only guy who has ever done that, I think...

Tsunade: Guys guys guys...we're all forgetting the most important thing here: Orochimaru's ability to conjure dark cloaks out of nowhere. I mean, in chapter 616, they've got their normal outfits, but in chapter 617, they all have dark robes...What the hell? Also - Orochimaru's shoulders in chapter 617. I know we've made that joke before, but look at them...they're majestic!

Hashirama: What I don't understand is: why doesn't the main cast have the standard attire? And why don't they just have a bit more comfortable clothes during their stay in the village? I mean, why not? We're in the modern age after all, with computers and everything. And it's not like Naruto is like "I have to stay in my orange jumpsuit in case the enemy attacks!".

Hiruzen: Well that would make sense, but wouldn't it just make the characters even more forgettable? I mean we have Neji who recently died, for unknown reasons...if he hadn't been wearing his kilt or whatever, I would most likely not have even remembered the guy. Mild exaggeration but you get my point. Hell, if Tenten's name wasn't literally TEN OUT OF TEN or if she didn't have those hair_ balls on her head..._

Minato: He he he...

Hiruzen: Who would have remembered her? At least if a supposedly important character rubs his/her abs/breasts in our faces, it'll most likely stick. Even more so if the clothes look mildly interesting and exotic.

Tobirama:...There's nothing exotic about a orange jumpsuit. It just screams 'I'm a target'...

Hashirama: And your fuzz screams "I don't have a wife".

Tobirama: That's it! Bubblebeam no jutsu!

*Bubbles floating. Exciting stuff*

Hashirama: Did...did you just blow bubbles at me?

Tobirama: It works in Pokémon! And you always finish our stories with binding people in trees for one reason or another! Now it's my turn!

Hashirama: You can make DRAGONS out of water, yet you attack me with bubbles?

Tobirama: Well...yes?

Hashirama: That's it! TREES NO JUTSU!

Tobirama: KAKKO-SAMA DAMMIT!

...

**AN**: And Yahiko was thrown out of the club, accused of being a zombie.

I know the ending was a bit sudden but I rarely know how to finish my fics. I usually just write about whatever sounds good in my head and improvise the rest. I don't plan these fics. Still, I don't think I've talked too much about clothes before - and I mean, it's a largely ignored subject. Sure, Naruto's orange jumpsuit gets a lot of attention, but the top politician in a major country walking around dressed like she's on her way to the Oscars is, what, the norm in this world? Also, if we exclude tropical places where everyone walks around half-naked because otherwise you'd start swimming in your own sweat, where do people dress like Ino on a daily basis? She goes on missions looking like that? What does her father say about that? Not to mention, she's SIXTEEN! She's a CHILD! But I guess this is better than when she was thirteen and talked about diets...*shudder*

Also, yes, I'm aware Naruto changes into a sweater sometimes when in the village, and Ino too, I believe. Otherwise, the main cast has some pretty weird clothes - like Gaara and Kankuro. And I keep wondering where clothes like that come from.

So, as always, reviews are greatly appreciated, and I have actually prepared an interesting question to discuss: is it good to fall in love with your own characters?

On one hand, you can tell when the author feels inspired to write about something/someone, and a lot of more details become clear, but on the other, you may focus too hard on one particular character. For instance, in Naruto, Itachi's story just doesn't die. He keeps appearing, people keep involving him even when we thought we knew everything about him and it just annoys the hell out of me. And that's just one example.

Let me know what you think of my chapter, Naruto in general, my awesomeness and my question in the reviews. Take care!


	41. The man in the straw hat

"_The flow of time is always cruel... Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it... A thing that doesn't change with time is a memory of younger days... In order to come back here again, play the Minuet of Forest_." - Sheik, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

(Widely considered the greatest game ever created and a huge part of my childhood. I'll most likely add more Sheik quotes - I hope you've played this game, or it won't have the same impact.)

**...**

***COMING THIS SUMMER***

Tobirama: Look at ye man, hangin' 'round here with nuthin' but memories...Ye only have tha hat left.

Minato: Go to hell old man!

Tobirama: Oh no, ye see, I've got the proposition of a lifetime...

Minato: I'm done with that life! Leave me be!

Tobirama: Oh I'll convince ya, because I know where Yellow is.

Minato: TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!

Tobirama: Only if ye do exactly as I say!

***FAMILIES FALL APART***

Hiruzen: Why are you obeying that swine, son?

Minato: Get off my case dad!

Hiruzen: You don't honestly believe he knows where Yellow is? No one knows!

Minato: It's worth a shot!

Hiruzen: If you go on this mission, you are no longer my son!

Minato: I don't care!

***NEW ENEMIES ARISE***

Madara: It's simple...we shall steal Hashirama's cells!

Obito: That's crazy, genetics don't work like that!

Madara: THIS WILL WORK BECAUSE FUCK LOGIC!

Danzo: I agree, eh.

Hashirama: Why does everybody want my body?!

***ONE MAN'S QUEST***

Minato: I know she's here somewhere, I can feel it.

***BOOBS***

Tsunade: I'm just here as fanservice and potential love interest for a boring sidekick.

***MINATO NAMIKAZE IN***

**...**

**...**

***THE MAN IN THE STRAW HAT***

***COMING TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU THIS SUMMER***

Directed by Hashirama.

Written by Hashirama.

Produced by Hashirama.

Hashirama is played by Hashirama.

**...**

**AN:** I'm actually really proud of this chapter, even though I did nothing original whatsoever. This idea hit me while I was in the shower and I just had to write it. All good ideas come from the bathroom, you know. Also, it's nice to write when you finally have a day off. Ah, enjoying a soda with nothing pressuring you, that's the stuff you need every once in a while.

So what did you think of this? It fits surprisingly well with their roles, doesn't it? Also, I didn't like the recent Naruto chapter either so I didn't bother writing about that. I only liked Tobirama scaring the hell out of Sasuke. And now we're in for more flashbacks, hurray. Also, yes, in this story Minato has a straw hat and Itachi has a moustache. And there is nothing you can do about it! Mwhahaha!

Which actually leads me to this chapter's question: what would spice up a certain character? I mean, should Gaara wear a white suit sometimes? Should Lee wear sun glasses? And so on. I've added a straw hat to Minato and a moustache to Itachi, now it's your turn to let your imagination run wild.


	42. Rock throwing equals epic backstory

"_It is something that grows over time... a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes stronger over time... The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you will know which way to go... This song is dedicated to the power of the heart... Listen to the Bolero of Fire..._" - Sheik, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

**...**

Hiruzen: Oh look, what a refreshing concept...the genius against the hardworker, an Uchiha and a Senju, a nice guy versus an asshole. It's not like we haven't seen that before.

Minato: We get it, Sasuke and Naruto will eventually fight for some reason, now can we please stop having it shoved down our threats all the time?

Tsunade: Complain all you want about this chapter, I'm just ecstatic that my grandfather looks exactly like Guy. Not even the 'God of Shinobi' can escape the bowl cut! Now watch Guy suddenly releasing the world's most awesome wood release.

Tobirama: The worst part is that people will actually think that's credible now - 'we've never seen him use any real jutsu!' and 'he fears his own power!' or whatever.

Hashirama: Shut up, a lot of Ninja had bowl cuts when I was but a wee lad, you can't really blame me can you? I'm not related to Might Guy! Also, I mean Minato looked like a fairy when he was a kid!

Minato: You take that back you overgrown log!

Hashirama: Never! Come at me bro!

*Struggle, hair-pulling and cussing*

Hiruzen: Wait, if Hashirama is an overgrown log, whose speciality is...trees...does that mean he came up with the substitution jutsu? I mean everyone always manages to conjure up wood out of seemingly nowhere.

Tobirama: Who cares? It's a fight between two geniuses, I'm surprised the very walls of time and space haven't collapsed - doesn't this go against some kind of Naruto law?

Tsunade: I still can't believe we're having a flashback in a flashback after a fight that nearly put me to sleep. How long will this go on?

Hiruzen: Three or four chapters I think, just look at Obito's and Kabuto's flashbacks. Man...they've all been so bad, I wonder if this one will take the cake. I just want to go back to watching Orochimaru owning Tobirama who in turn is scaring the hell out of Sasuke. Congratulations, Tobirama, your first real achievement in this series.

Tobirama: First of all, fuck you, secondly, if it turns out there's some kind of love triangle between Mito, Madara and Hashirama just like about every single fangirl wants for some reason I'm not quite sure of, I'm going to slap Minato on the nuts.

Minato: What did he say about my...GAH!

Hashirama: I'll show you DNA vending machine!

Minato: That doesn't even make any sense!

Tsunade: I will actually be impressed if there's some kind of sexual tension between Madara and Hashirama. I know, I know, it's Japanese and it most certainly won't happen, but I'd applaud it for at least adding something new and fresh in this series.

Hiruzen: That won't happen, as you said it's Japanese, but a lot of people still think loving someone of the same gender is wrong, and I don't know if this series is brave enough to defy the zealotry of such misguided individuals.

Tsunade: I suppose...don't underestimate large numbers of stupid people, as they say. Oh well, we'll either see a Naruto-Sasuke relationship, or a Sasuke-Itachi one. Or maybe a combination of both while adding a bit of 'romance' in the mix as well. Kind of like Team Seven, Team Minato and every other Ninja team in existence.

Tobirama: I wonder if our readers will ever see us talk about a chapter we actually like...

Hiruzen: It's not that hard...add some real progression and depth to the story and it'll be a major step in the right direction. We're hardly being unfair here, are we?

Minato: Your hair is weird, I'm never reading this manga ever again!

Hashirama: At least my hair doesn't stick out in every direction, nor am I a blond Japanese!

Minato: *Gasp* Don't insult my hair you tit!

Tsunade: Did the show suddenly become a lot more intellectual with those two occupied?

Hiruzen: Yes, but also a lot more boring, I think we should cut it here before people fall asleep reading OUR crap.

Tobirama: People disliking this story? That's impossible!

Tsunade: Well what are they going to do, have us ban-

**...**

**AN**: A little mix of my thoughts of the recent chapter and a little fight between Hashirama and Minato, who are basically the only ones to have a real personality in this little story.

I didn't like this week's chapter. The fight bored me to tears and having to watch Hashirama and Madara as kids NOW of all times, instead of focusing on either the two guys who want to end the entire world, the dying Kage or the undead Hokage having a chat with an evil snake-man, we have to watch Madara throw rocks...Throw. Rocks. What?

Anyway, as always, tell me what you think of my chapter and this week's Naruto chapter. Is there something I've forgotten talking about, something I should bring up more often, am I a wanker or whatever, let me know in the reviews.


	43. How I met your Madara

"_Time passes, people move... Like a river's flow, it never ends... A childish mind will turn to noble ambition... Young love will become deep affection... The clear water's surface reflects growth... Now listen to the Serenade of Water to reflect upon yourself..._" - Sheik, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

**...**

Minato: So, Hashirama, I'm curious, what exactly happened between you and Madara anyway? I mean, we'll most likely have to read four chapters before we even come close to anything that can vaguely resemble valuable information, so you might as well tell us now.

Hiruzen: And make it interesting! I think we can all agree that reading about the Uchiha simply isn't fun anymore (and never was), so I don't know, make something original.

Hashirama: Very well soulmates!

Minato: What?

Hashirama: I, Hashirama, the greatest fanfic writer of all time shall tell you a tale that will rock your socks off! You see, it all began...began...began...began...

Tsunade: Grandpa?

Hashirama: Shhh...wait for it...

***Flashback no jutsu!***

Hashirama: There we go!

Madara: What?

Hashirama: I totally beat you once more in a game of throwing rocks over a small pond, new best friend. Now let's meet up here tomorrow and pretend there isn't any sexual tension between us.

Madara: Sounds good overly friendly stranger with weird hairdo! I'm normally super grumpy but I will begin to open up by just being in your presence! Although I will start developing a serious superior complex soon!

***Next day***

Madara: I managed to skip the stone all the way over to the other end.

Hashirama: I suppose this is a good time to tell you I'm a Senju.

Madara: This somehow changes everything, but our quickly growing friendship makes me feel confused. I would add another feeling but my Uchiha mind only allows me to feel one feeling at a time.

***At the Uchiha camp***

Madara: Father, why are we fighting the Senju?

Uchiha Stereotype1: You know, that has never been explained satisfactorily.

Madara: So how about we cease the fighting? I mean it seems kind of stupid, shouldn't we just join forces and rule everything?

Uchiha Stereotype1: No, because one day, a guy from that clan will be able to summon trees.

Madara: What does that have to do with anything?

Uchiha Stereotype1: Apparently everything. Now I'm going to give you a spanking because you have been hanging out with a guy with a bowl cut. You really should know better.

Madara: Emotional trauma!

***A few days later***

Izuna: Hey bro, isn't it great how close we are?

Madara: You said it! I'm glad that you are going to play such a monumental role in this series.

***A few years later***

Madara: Rage, hatred and corny dialogue!

Hashirama: Corny dialogue, attempt to save you from yourself!

Madara: Contempt and pride! Attack!

Hashirama: Serious ass-handing! Too naive to kill you!

Madara: Something about power, wounded pride. Oh no, my eyes are failing me!

Izuna: Here you go!

Madara: Oh thanks. Oh, somehow I am much stronger now.

Izuna: Bleh!

Madara: He died! Somehow this is your fault Hashirama! I am now going to take control of your DNA, transfer it into myself, grow and army, brainwash a small child and then create a utopia where every single being on the planet has to live, where me and my brother can be together for all time.

Hashirama: That's kind of...twisted.

***More time passes!***

Mito: All the fans want yet another love triangle, so I'm here and have absolutely nothing important to say. Also, I'm totally into Hashirama.

Madara: Oh no, Mito! My one true love! Oh, this makes me even stronger! With the power of a renewed sympathetic fanbase I shall rule this world! Hey, Nine-Tails!

Nine-Tails: Yeah?

Madara: If you were to be put under a genjutsu, what would you do?

Nine-Tails: Well I am literally made of chakra so I don't see how it would affect me, nor how any genjutsu would be powerful enough to...

Madara: Lol!

Nine-Tails: Well fuck my life.

Hashirama: This gives me the idea to evenly distribute chakra monsters to all villages where they'll put them into the bodies of mentally unstable children in order to maintain peace, even though there are individuals who can go toe-to-toe with them, I'm sure this will somehow prevent rivaling villages in the future from killing each other. Let's just hope they can't be persuaded with one single passionate speech and ruin my great plans.

Madara: Well that's kind of...twisted. Anyway, let's fight.

Hashirama: I'm coming Madara!

Madara: What? Ew, get away from me!

Hashirama: Where do you think you're going?! Watch me summon something with a ridiculous amount of arms!

Madara: That's strangely erotic.

Hashirama: Madara!

Madara: Hashirama!

**...**

Hashirama: The end.

Minato: And...after the fight?

Hashirama: Oh we'll get to that, don't worry.

Tobirama: Well, that's not how I remembered things. And why wasn't I in it?

Hashirama: Let's face it, you've done nothing of importance. I'm sure you'll also have a superiority complex - they're rather common around here after all.

**...**

AN: One of my better chapters I feel like! I will most likely write about how their fight ended as well. Oh well, what did you think of this chapter? I'm actually very proud. Also, I don't have a lot to say, so just review, favorite and follow me.

As you're all aware, reviewing this story prevents bears from attacking people.


	44. Japanese genetics!

"_It's not about changing the world. It's about doing our best to leave the world the way it is. It's about respecting the will of others and believing in your own... Isn't that... what... you fought for? At last, I understand the meaning of what you did... At last, I understand the truth behind your courage_." - Big Boss, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

**...**

Tsunade: You know when you're browsing through the web and suddenly there's an ad for a super awesome revolutionary game that promises no fees and deep, complex strategy and compelling story, yet all we see is a girl in skimpy clothing shoving her breasts in our general direction? That's this series in a nutshell.

Tobirama: That armor design for women can't be conducive for their health.

Minato: It's for the sake of flexibility and distracting their opponents, man.

Hiruzen: If you really believe that then you should just get off the internet and get some sunlight.

Hashirama: Yeah I still remember what happened after I fought Madara...

Minato: What does that have to do with anything?

Hashirama: Just like yesterday...day...day...

Tsunade: Oh boy here we...

*Flashback no jutsu!*

Madara: How in the bloody hell did that thing stop my Susano'o Nine-Tails?!

Hashirama: Uh-uh? It's made of wood?

Madara: What...but! That makes no sense! Didn't you see how its arms were at the BACK? How the hell could it move them all?!

Hashirama: I don't know, why did you have to cloak a being made entirely out of chakra in ethereal armor?

Madara: Because fan wank.

Hashirama: I guess that's why you had to stick a Tailed Beast Bomb with an ethereal sword and throw it at me, instead of just...shooting me?

Madara: That was my flawless plan!

Hashirama: That fight sure made little sense. Oh well, I guess it's time to kill you and seal the Nine-Tails in my wife who just happens to be standing right over there.

Mito: 'Sup.

Madara: You know that sounds very harsh, have you tried just talking to the Nine-Tails? I mean it seems rather intelligent.

Hashirama: Nah I'm sure nothing good would come of it. Besides, who needs reason when you can just lock them into orphans? I love this world.

Madara: You're a sadistic freak you know that? Oh well, joke's on you 'cause I have stolen your DNA.

Hashirama: How?

Madara: What do you mean?

Hashirama: How did you 'steal' my DNA?

Madara: Easy, I took some cells.

Hashirama: What.

Madara: Yeah I just took a handful of your blood and flesh and shoved it into a wound.

Hashirama: I...that's...not how genetics work.

Madara: Are you sure? Then how do you explain THIS?!

*Nothing happens*

Hashirama: Oh, I'm so convinced. Listen, in order to transplant genes, you have to 'cut and paste', which means you locate, isolate and cut a certain strand of DNA and then in a controlled environment transplant the strand into your own. And that's putting it very, VERY simply. And let's not forget the fact that the body can reject the whole thing - hell, does it even work if our blood groups are different?

Madara: So...I can't just say I did that in a genjutsu and it worked?

Hashirama: Goodbye Madara.

Madara: I'll still use the moon and brainwash a child and create my own personal amusement park!

***Slash***

Hashirama: You know, speaking of DNA, how the hell does that make me able to control and spawn trees? If anything it should just come out of me, not the ground...Oh well, magic. Now let's totally not check whether or not Madara died.

Mito: I'm here to be the first Jinchuriki. Now let's not talk about that until the beginning of Shippuden and before that assume Naruto and Gaara were the only ones.

Hashirama: Ah, time to start the tradition of sealing monsters into people as weapons even though there are plenty of people who can go toe-to-toe with them. Also, it's important to note that these individuals will be mentally unstable and feel no love for their villages at all - clearly there is nothing to improve with this plan. Oh well, at least they'll be popular in school right?

Nine-Tails: I'll just stand here and let myself be sealed even though you're most likely weakened at the moment.

Mito: So, why not just kill that beast?

Nine-Tails: Oh dear.

Hashirama: It'll respawn or whatever in several years, and I'm sure no one will be able to kill it again.

Nine-Tails: You realize I'm standing like a few meters away from you, right? Look, how about we negotiate here, I'll just be on my way, maybe destroy a few enemies and...

Hashirama: TREE SEALING NO JUTSU!

Nine-Tails: Humans are all a bunch of wankers!

Mito: So why did we seal this within me and not you?

Hashirama: Something about chakra.

Mito: But...you have like A LOT more than I!

Hashirama: I'm sure you have a special chakra or whatever. Now let's go back to the village before I die of unspecified reasons. I'd prefer it if Tobirama didn't defy the laws of nature and...BLEH!

Cyborg Ninja from the Future: Lolz! First Hokage blood!

**...**

Hashirama: And that's why they're the villains of my fanfic.

Tobirama: I didn't defy the laws of nature! I just created a jutsu that in no way could ever backfire...

Minato: You were killed by a Cyborg? Everything makes so much sense now...people were starting to think you died to 'fodder'.

Hiruzen: Oh come on, we all know Hashirama will die like a hero, protecting the world or the village or whatever.

Hashirama: Or you know, I fell on a sword, maybe?

Hiruzen: This is a manga, people don't die in accidents!

Tsunade: Nah, they die to stupidity, like not dodging a sword even though they could.

Hiruzen: Yeah...wait, shut up!

*Laughter*

**...**

AN: Cyborgs! So yeah, this wasn't as fun to write as the other chapter, but I still felt like a few things should cleared up between Madara and Hashirama...and not focus on f***ing stone skipping! I mean, I like it when it takes time to get to know characters and such, but it just feels like it's too little too late. Not to mention I don't find any of them interesting, and it's a flashback when there's so much more that needs to be addressed.

So, review and tell me how awesome I am.

Also, feel free to recommend a good story or two, I want something to read (I'm currently reading two books but an internet story is always good to have). Remember I'm a sucker for romance and I simply won't read a story if it's poorly written. It doesn't have to be a Naruto story either, by the way. Also, I have read 'The Girl from Whirlpool', which is much better than the original series. So yeah, a story like that please. Impress me.


	45. The Flashback off part I - Minato

"_It is such a quiet thing, to fall. But far more terrible is to admit it_" - Kreia, Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords

**...**

Hiruzen: Remember last time when we asked for fanfic recommendations?

Tobirama: Well written, interesting, not cliché and with elements that we don't make fun of on a regular basis here? Yeah what about it?

Hiruzen: Let's not do that again. Ever.

Hashirama: Why?

Hiruzen: Just trust me.

Minato: RASENGAN!

***Table smash!***

Tsunade: What the hell Blondie?!

Minato: I've been sitting in the backseat now for too long! Once, I was the closest this fic had to a main character, so now I'm trying to get back in. And I have a plan.

Hashirama: This can only end well...

Minato: We're having...a flashback off.

Hiruzen: Flashback off?

Minato. Flashback off. We're each going to take turns remembering and retell the events of one arc and when everyone's finished, our readers will get to vote which flashback was the best.

Tobirama: Hey this actually sounds kind of fun!

Tsunade: Yeah, I'm in.

Minato: Splendid! May the best Hokage win. I shall start off with...The 'war' arc! Take a seat, summon a bowl of popcorn 'cause here I go.

**...**

Onoki: We will never agree to creating a Ninja Alliance!

Gaara: What if I insult you?

Onoki: I instantly have a change of heart!

Danzo: Hm, looks like I didn't need to use Shisui's eye. Oh well I'm sure this won't affect me in any significant way, eh.

Mifune: There are Samurai here guys. Isn't that cool! Guys! Pay attention to the Samurai! Why doesn't anyone care?!

**...**

Naruto: Lucky there's a giant turtle here which gives me access to special Jinchuriki training. It also lets me more or less block out the feeling of hatred. If this isn't plot no jutsu, I don't know what is.

Killer B: By the way, there's totally not a war going on out there broseph.

Guy: Absolutely not, and you're not being guarded by some of the more powerful Ninja of the Leaf. No siree!

Naruto: Well that's good. It's even more lucky I haven't had any serious character development since the first arc, otherwise I might have been smart enough to realize something fishy was going on.

**...**

Random 1: We will never ally with you guys!

Random 2: And we will never trust you!

Gaara: Sigh, here I go again...Passionate speech no jutsu!

Random 1: Want to be my life partner?

Random 2: Do I ever?!

Kakashi: Did you just ally every single Ninja in the entire world who have had basically nothing but animosity and distrust of each other for several generations with one speech?

Gaara: Pretty much.

Kakashi: I won't even begin to explain how messed up that is.

**...**

Hinata: It looks like we have ordinary Chunin outfits now, I guess we have finally been reduced to nothing but fodder standards.

Kiba: Look at it this way, at least your face doesn't look exactly like everybody else's in this "army". Hell I'm not even sure there are any nameless women here.

**...**

Kabuto: I will join the bad guy's side, then people will finally pay attention to me!

Obito: Wouldn't it be better if you used your awesome powers and just became a hero on the other side instead? I mean I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last more than a few hours without you.

Kabuto: No, my Edo Tensei is sure to make this series look dramatic!

Obito: I don't get it, why not just let Orochimaru do that?

Kabuto: Pff, it's not like he's ever coming back. By the way, I have two guys we have never heard of before who have some Nine-Tails chakra in them, thus allowing us to continue the plot without anything bad actually happening to Naruto.

Obito: What the fu...

**...**

Second Mizukage: I manage to plow through fodder, yet I'm not important enough to be given a name. Seriously, why am I even here? I contribute absolutely nothing to the story! Who cares if I kill a bunch of nameless Ninja? No one has even heard of me before!

Third Raikage: Yeah I know that feel. Did you know apparently I survived for three days and nights against 10.000 people?

SM:...What?

TR: Yeah, apparently I'm more or less invulnerable, except against my own attacks.

SM: Didn't the Second Hokage get killed by twenty followers, and he had at least five Ninja accompanying him? What the hell happened to numbers being an advantage?

TR: It became obsolete the minute the term 'fodder' came up. I mean, everyone here is trained since they're kids, right? Then how come some people are simply that much stronger? 10.000 people? Really? What, am I immune to getting a knife in the back?

SM: If this war is supposed to demonstrate how much better the current generation is, then it's not doing a very good job. We're killing people by the dozens until a main character shows up...

TR: Hell, we're not even being stopped by minor characters either. Those guys have simply disappeared.

SM: This is f*cking ridiculous...

**...**

Shikamaru: How is this a 'war'?! It's just nameless Ninja killing f*cking SENJU DNA CLONES!

Choji: And when someone of supposed importance is resurrected, the nameless Ninja have to be rescued by a character with a name. I don't think this is how wars are supposed to be...aren't Ninja supposed to be elite warriors? Then why are we losing half our strength after the first day?

Ino: I also thought this would be a great time for minor characters to shine, and introduce a few new ones, but instead we have to witness two things: Tobi's power and Naruto's power.

Shikamaru: Scratch that, we have to, once again, see how powerful the Uchiha are, and how far beneath them we are simply because we weren't born into the right family. It makes you wonder how the hell one 13-year-old managed to kill them all in one night.

**...**

Madara: I have all important power-ups in the Narutoverse and I know everything. I also have a kickass outfit and gravity-defying hair.

Tsunade: Yeah? Well we are the five Kage.

Madara: I'm an Uchiha who has barely been mentioned, but when I was, it was about how powerful I am.

A: Is he talking to us or to himself?

Madara: Also, Hashirama was apparently the strongest Hokage. Not Minato, not Hiruzen, but Hashirama. Accept it without any sort of proof.

Mei: Not only is he designed to become a fan favorite even though he is a horribly written character, but he is also changing what we thought we knew about Hokage strength levels. That bastard!

Madara: I will make cocky remarks and just demonstrate how utterly broken I am.

Gaara: Surely people can't like him just because he looks nice? I mean, they have to see he is an uttelry uninteresting character, right?

Madara: On the contrary, people love it when someone is too powerful for their own good and then proceed to mock one's opponents. And since I look good, I will eventually pose in various ways just to increase the fan wank.

Onoki: Oh well, at least I'm sure someone is on their way to disable the Edo Tensei...

**...**

Itachi: If I hadn't been so incredibly popular I'm sure my story would have ended a long time ago. Seriously, it just doesn't stop. Oh well, time to one-shot Nagato, because no one but me can do it. I'm sure the forums won't be using this as yet another one of my many strengths, seeing as it clearly is a 3v1.

Nagato. Bleh!

Naruto: So yeah, what happens now?

Itachi: I'll go and make sure the plot progresses, you guys can go ahead and kill some nobodies and make sure White Zetsu don't kill off your fodder.

Naruto: Wait, I thought I was the protagonist?

Itachi: Yeah but I'm far more popular. Seriously, go on to any forum and you'll see at least three theads with my name on it.

Naruto: Still, this seems like something the neglected support characters could take care off. It would make them look at least somewhat capable.

Itachi: Nah, Uchiha bonding moment is far more important. Besides, your support characters are being held up by White Zetsu.

Killer B: This is f*cking priceless...

**...**

Madara: Oh dear, I'm disappearing.

Onoki: Thank Kakko-sama, for a minute there I really thought we were all going to be beaten by a zombie even though it was five on one.

Madara: Hey did you chaps know I can break the Edo Tensei contract?

A: Please tell me that at least involves Izanagi so you will have to sacrifice an eye.

Madara: Nope, you simply have to know the hand signs, making the Orochimaru vs Hiruzen fight even more confusing.

Gaara: This is f*cking ridiculous...

**...**

Naruto: Huh, apparently Tailed Beasts have emotions, and my father wanted me to become best buddies with the Fox. He sure planned far ahead considering he had like five minutes to come up with a plan...

Nine-Tails: I say Naruto, why don't we work together?

Naruto: You bet new best friend! This isn't cheesy at all!

**...**

Obito: Oh no, my mask.

Naruto: I just smashed a Tailed-Beast Bomb in your face and all it did was shatter your mask?

Obito: Plot no jutsu. Anyway, aren't you surprised it's me?

Naruto: Kind of, yes, but on the internet I'll say I suspected it from the very beginning and make myself look like a douche.

Guy: Hey look, an interesting plot twist, this arc might still be saved.

Obito: This is all because Rin died!

Guy: So close...

Naruto: Hey, Kakashi, shouldn't you tell him the reason why you killed Rin?

Kakashi: Meh, I'm sure it's not important to him at all.

**...**

Madara: Since I have an unlimited amount of chakra, there's literally nothing stopping me from just making a bunch of Susano'o and kill them off one by one and wear them down, but I'll just stand on this giant Pokémon and cross my arms and look intimidating while Obito repeats the same line over and over.

Obito: Isn't it convenient how we can control the supposed God of this universe with Senju DNA?

Ten-Tails: Hold the phone here guys. I'm the Ten-Tails...I'm literally made up of all the other Tailed Beasts, yet the Nine-Tails and the Eight-Tails are standing in front of me, care to explain that?

Obito: No worries, I just absorbed some of their chakra instead of actually capturing them, I'm sure it won't matter.

Ten-Tails: But...But that's just idiotic. If I'm a ten-storey building, you can just skip the vast majority of the eight and ninth floor! That simply doesn't work!

Madara: Not even with Senju DNA?

Ten-Tails: This is f*cking ridiculous...

**...**

Naruto: Apprently, I have to give chakra to everyone in order to finish off two people and their pokémon, because 40.000 people against two clearly favors them, and my allies are helpless without me.

Kakashi: Wait, so now we have to rely on you to get power-ups? Why can't we do anything ourselves?

Naruto: I don't know, I still remember when Sakura got some chakra from the Nine-Tails and it acted like a poison. Oh well let's go.

Obito: It sure looks like they're coming against us awfully fast, and that Naruto has somehow powered up every single individual in that army. Perhaps we should dodge the incoming attack?

Madara: Nah, I'm sure nothing bad will...BLEH!

Lee: Hey look! The second good scene in this arc! Too bad this is just thanks to Naruto's chakra and not my own efforts!

Ten-Tails: Don't mind me, I'll just stand here so you can hit them. Also, good luck in taking those two down. It's 40.000 people versus two Uchiha, so the odds are clearly in their favor.

Obito: This is f*cking ridiculous...

**...**

Orochimaru: Where the hell did these robes come from and what happened to my shoulders?

Sasuke: Orochimaruuuuuuuuuuu, help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Orochimaru: Fine, I'll bring back the dead, sealed Hokage so you can have a simple conversation with them.

Jugo: I'm not even sure what I'm still doing in this story.

Hashirama: Instead of doing the sensible thing and killing Sasuke once and for all, I'll tell him what he wants to know in unnecessarily great detail for no reason whatsoever.

Tobirama: SCREEN TIME!

Minato: I'll just stand here looking pretty.

Hiruzen: This is f*cking ridiculous...

**...**

**AN**: So yeah, that's more or less my take on the war arc. Did you enjoy it? I haven't decided who will go next, but don't forget you'll all be able to vote on who you thought had the better flashback when they've all finished their epic tales. Of course you'll do this in the review.

Do you have any suggestions for what I should bring up? I have a few ideas but I welcome your thoughts too.

Anyway, review, favorite and spread the word of my awesomeness. Remember that I love you all and your hair looks amazing today.


	46. The Flashback off part II - Tobirama

"_Never give up and let's fight for our friends!_" - Every shonen protagonist in the history of ever.

**...**

Tobirama: You know what, I'm sick of always being on the sidelines!

Hashirama: You're about to fight Izuna in the manga.

Tobirama: No one cares about Izuna! It's time for me...

Minato: Aquaman.

Tobirama: To win this flashback competition and get the recognition I deserve! I choose the Sasuke retrieval arc!

Tsunade: I thought the problem was that too many cared about Izuna even though they shouldn't?

Hiruzen: Yeah I guess. It's too late to start introducing characters to care about anyway. The problem with the current plot is that Hashirama's and Madara's bromance is so much better than Naruto's and Sasuke's that the main characters' bonds feel absolutely worthless.

Hashirama: I agree, I think...

Tobirama: STOP IGNORING ME!

Minato: Okay. Oooh, Tobirama please tell us how you can flashback something you if were dead during that time!

Tobirama: Thank you Minato. I used the large TV on the wall.

Hiruzen: Well duh.

Tobirama: Anyway! Here I go...go...go...

Minato: This is gonna suck.

Tobirama: DAMN Y...

***Flashback no jutsu!***

Orochimaru: Go get Sasuke. The barrier Pain talks about in Shippuden doesn't affect you here because this was before so much unnecessary bullshit was added.

Jirobo: Duuuuuuuuuuuh.

Sakon: I have teal lipstick!

Orochimaru: *Sigh* Yes...yes I know.

Tayuya: Now don't you worry about a thing Lord Orochie-meyro!

Orochimaru: Come again?

Kidomaru: Yeah, we're leaving.

***Poof***

Orochimaru: Thank Kakko-sama...Kabuto!

Kabuto: Yeeeeeees? 3

Orochimaru: Why DOES he have teal lipstick?

Kabuto: I don't knooooooow 3

Orochimaru: Oh well...give it to me. I want to look pretty.

Kabuto: You aaaaaaaalways look pretty! 3

Orochimaru: ...What?

**...**

Sasuke: Not being stronger than a guy I have conflicting feelings towards has left me ANGSTY!

Kakashi: Time to school some brats! But before that...you know that jutsu I taught you?

Sasuke: The thing that allows me to cut ANYTHING even though I'm 13-years-old? Yeah what about it?

Kakashi: It was sort of meant to be used as a mean to DEFEND your allies, not hurt them...

Sasuke: So you want me to stop using it?

Kakashi: Nah, just don't mention this to the Hokage.

**...**

Kidomaru: So now we just have to find Sasuke and...

Tayuya: Hey lookie 'ere fallas! It's Seyskey!

Sakon: Jirobo! Use Body Slam!

Jiboro: BOROOOO!

Kidomaru: Just a few more days...

**...**

Sasuke: Good! Someone I can use as a punching bag! I love venting my anger at people in my general vicinity!

Sakon: Psyche, we also have curse marks!

Sasuke: I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL!

Kidomaru: Dude, this village hands you everything on a silver platter and you're still ungrateful, and now you complain about not being the only one able to use a free power-up.

Sasuke: STOP TELLING ME THE TRUTH! IT MAKES ME ANGRY!

Jirobo: Duuuuuh, do you think Orochimaru will act like that when he takes his body?

Sasuke: Oh, Orochimaru? Free power that I for no adequately explained reason can't get here? Let's go.

Kidomaru: I can't believe that worked. Maybe you aren't so bad Jirobo.

Jirobo: YOU HAVE SIX ARMS!

Kidomaru: Yes, and please stop staring.

**...**

Sakura: Sasuke-kuuuuuuun!

Sasuke: Can you stop adding a honorific to my name? If you hadn't noticed, I never do that to anyone to demonstrate how cool I am, even if it only makes me look like a douche in the Japanese version.

Sakura: Don't leave!

Sasuke: Oh you have convinced me.

Sakura: Really? Did I do something?

Sasuke: No, but now I'll stand unnecessarily close to you after having treated you like crap for the entire season so that people will think there is something between us and then attack you from behind, which I shouldn't be able to do considering we have the same amount of experience!

Sakura: Attack from behind...you mean like doggy...*Bam* uuuh...

**...**

Tsunade: So you saw Sasuke leaving?

Sakura: Yes!

Tsunade: Why didn't you stop one of our most potential Ninja from joining one of our worst enemies? I trust you attacked him instantly, considering you too are a kunoichi sworn to defend this village and its people?

Sakura: No, I started crying because SASUKE-KUN left!

Tsunade: That...is the single most pathetic thing I have ever heard in my entire life! Come on, I'll make a man out of you now.

Sakura: Don't you mean woman?

Tsunade: I know what I said.

**...**

Shikamaru: Look, guys, since I'm the only one who shows any kind of character development here, I'll take the lead. Got that?  
Neji: I'm stoic!

Choji: I'm a nice guy!

Kiba: Rawr!

Naruto: WANTING TO EAT A LOT MAKES ME A HILARIOUS CHARACTER.

Shikamaru: Oh Kakko-sama...

**...**

Kidomaru: Oh Kakko-sama...look, for the last time, take the pill that'll kill you!

Sasuke: No! I refuse!

Kidomaru: You'll get free poweeeeer.

Sasuke: No!

Kidomaru: It tastes like orange jumpsuiiiiiits.

Sasuke: GIMME!

Kidomaru: Okay, now let's keep him in a barrier that keeps him from dying after we gave him a pill that'll increase his curse powers. Because fuck logic.

**...**

Jirobo: I can take you on all at once!

Naruto: How!? Neji was supposed to be the strongest Genin EVER!

Jirobo: Because I have a curse mark!

Kiba: Doesn't CURSE implie it's a bad thing?

Jirobo: Meh, I just lose control of my brain and sanity sometimes...oh, and my one big weakness is having a 1v1. 1v5 is okay, but as long as I don't have to duel someone, I'm undefeatable!

Shikamaru: Right...Choji, since you have no real interesting jutsu, character or function in this team, we'll leave you behind first.

Jirobo! Nooo, a duel! My one weakness!

**...**

Kidomaru: Okay, so it's my turn. Thank Kakko.

Shikamaru: Team leader too, huh?

Kidomaru: Yeah, how about you?

Shikamaru: Yeah...sucks doesn't it?

Kidomaru: Oh yes, oh yes. Anyway, who will you leave behind this time? You've apparently figured out we're all weaker in duels irght?

Neji: I'll do it, I'm the only one who can destroy his spider web.

Kiba: Seriously? I mean it's just spider web...I'm fairly sure anyone can...

Neji: No, I'm the only one.

Kiba: Dude, he's a long-range fighter, maybe I and Akamaru can...

Neji: It has to be me!

Naruto: So this will be one of those things where we have to leave leave behind one memeber of our team per fight isn't it, and I'll be the one to follow Sasuke?

Shikamaru: Pretty much.

Naruto: Fine, let's get on with it.

**...**

Kiba: Oh no, I fell down in this canyon with my dog against the guy who is technically and conveniently two guys! If only we had some kind of power that allowed us to walk on walls and water or something!

**...**

Tayuya: By the way Shake-it-Maru, I'm a demon!

Shikamaru: Don't let people write fanfics about this don't let people write fanfics about this don't let people write fanfics about this...

Tayuya: And now with my horneys..

Shikamaru: This can't be happening...

Tayuya: I'mma not gonna use them 'causse you threw me a knife thingy!

Shikamaru: Hah, sucker, just like I predicted!

Tayuya: Wuddn't it have maid more sense iffa you found a way to keep my undefeatable monsters?

Shikamaru: Shut up.

**...**

Kimimaro: I have absolutely nothing interesting to say, but I'll still become a fan favorite, just like Madara.

Naruto: Who?

Kimimaro: Oh you'll find out...Anyway, summon a bunch of clones and send them at me in waves and let me defeat them all, never growing tired in the process.

Naruto: Duh, okay!

Sasuke: And now I'm alive again!

Naruto: Sasuke! Get over here buddy!

Sasuke: Okay!

Kimimaro: No! Bad Sasuke! Go to Orochimaru!

Sasuke: Okay!

Naruto: What the hell! Why is he so easily influenced by everybody?

Kimimaro: I don't know but apparently people love it. Now let's fight for realz.

Lee: Don't worry! I'm here Naruto, so you can go and save Sasuke!

Kimimaro: What the hell, look at your clothes!

Lee: Erm...look at yours, and your twintails are different lengths! Euh!

Kimimaro: It makes me look like I don't give a shit about the rules!

Lee: Oh yeah, I forgot, we're all teenagers...that's why you're acting like a douche. Anyway, now I'll defeat you!

Gaara: Bitch please.

Kimimaro: Gaara of the Desert eh? A rather stupid nickname don't you...AH!

Gaara: Well that was easy.

**...**

Temari: Wind no jutsu!

Tayuya: Oe-noes! Thisise somehow going to kill me, even in demon form!

Shikamaru: Apparently I'm widely popular with the fairer sex...

Temari: Yeah, we're the only ones who could form a somewhat normal relationship, I think. Too bad the author ignores it later.

Shikamaru: You guys are all really strong...I'm positive you won't be ridiculed in the beginning of Shippuden.

**...**

Naruto: Sasuke! Come back to the village! Don't you remember our deep bonds and friendship?!

Sasuke: Dude, we have known each other for like a few years, most of that time we completely ignored each other until we ended up on the same team, where we went on one mission before the Chunin Exams. And we kept on hating. How the hell does that make us friends? Also, we're CHILDREN, you'll forget you ever played with me in a few years anyway.

Naruto: No no no, don't you see how deep this is? All that fighting means we really respect each other!

Sasuke: I have never given you a compliment in my entire life, what makes you think I respect you?

Naruto: Don't you get it? Our bonds are SO deep we can practically try and kill each other and we would still be best friends!

Sasuke:...Do you want to run that by me one more time?

Naruto: Dammit, we're awesome pals!

Sasuke: Yeah no. I'm leaving now...and I'll try getting a restraining order. Also, maybe you should move on and not spend the next few years of your life trying to make me change my mind about something I decided to do on my own free will.

Naruto:...I bet if we had a fight right now, it'd look really deep.

Sasuke: Goodbye Naruto.

Naruto:...It sure is convenient no Jonin could be bothered to tag along on this mission...

**...**

AN: I love making fun of things like this. It's the perfect way to wind down after a long day of work! Well, that and a soda, but I decided to be healthy today for some reason.

Anyway, this was Tobirama's flashback of the Sasuke retrieval arc. What did you think? Better than Minato's? Remember you'll be able to vote for a winner when all five Hokage have retold a certain arc.

Why aren't you reviewing yet? Go, GO!


	47. The Flashback off part III - Hiruzen

"_風向轉變時有人築牆有人造風車 __- Fēng xiàng zhuàn biàn shí, yǒu rén zhú qiáng, yǒu rén zào fēng chē - When the wind of change blows, some build walls, while others build windmills_." - Chinese proverb.

(Also, I apologize wholeheartedly to my Chinese-speaking readers if I wrote anything incorrectly. Taken from Wikipedia)

**...**

Hiruzen: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!

Tsunade: We're not talking...

Hiruzen: Huh? Ah yes...

Hashirama: So anyway, no manga today eh? That sucks 'cause...

Hiruzen: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!

Tobirama: Are you alright old man?

Hiruzen: Yes, as a matter of fact it is. It's my turn to tell a story!

Minato: An old man telling a story? Are we doing clichés now?

Tsunade: Technically we already did an old man cliché joke with his apparent confusion...

Minato: Ah, touché.

Hiruzen: I remember the Chunin Exams like it was yesterday...yesterday...yesterday...

Minato: If he dies (again) during the flashback, I get his awesome armor.

Hiruzen: Quiet you!

**...**

Hiruzen: Everybody quiet down...I bet you know why I have summoned you here today.

Kurenai: Is it it time?

Hiruzen: Indeed. It is that time again where we adults watch children kill each other for our amusement.

Kakashi: Finally!

Asuma: I can't wait to watch my team of spoiled brats struggle and almost die while I sit back and relax with a smoke!

Hiruzen: Ooh let's hope some Genin die in horrible manners! I hear their One-Tail is coming!

Guy: For real? I'm totally pitching him against my protégée!

**...**

Gaara: FORESHADOWING!

Kankuro: My character design is awful, even if there is a logical explanation behind it!

Temari: My hairdo and weapon of choice are ridiculous!

Naruto: Who the hell are these guys?

Sakura: The strongest of the sand!

Naruto: Are you serious? Well I guess that's alright, we've got all the major characters on our team so what can they do?

Sasuke: Yeah but if THEY look bad, imagine how we look to them.

Konohamaru: Hah!

**...**

Ibiki: Epic test time!

Hinata: I'm here to bait shippers!

Naruto: I'm the only individual in this room who can't figure this out, and that makes it hilarious!

Ibiki: It is sort of funny watching you squirm...Huehuehue.

Shikamaru: How can none of these dozens of so-called eagle-eyed Chunin NOT hear us speak in our normal speaking voice or use handsigns to cast jutsu to cheat?!

Tenten: I hear ya, I managed to get a fucking mirror and threads stuck in the roof to help my teammates.

Ibiki: I wonder if they realize we can hear them talking...Anyway, time's up, anyone ready for the final question?

Kiba: Uh, dude, we all know this is a trap, the rules are really shoddy and our teachers have already taught us about seeing underneath the underneath.

Ibiki: So...any doubters here?

Random Guy: Dammit! I've done this two times already but now I forfeit!

Ibiki: Hah! Loser! Anyway, the rest of you pass. Have fun with this crazy lady with enormous breasts and revealing clothing who will force you to go through a dangerous forest without supervision...Ah, Japan.

...

Konohamaru: Time to interrupt with a flashback episode!

Gaara: GTFO with sand no jutsu!

***Bam!***

Konohamaru: My grandpa will hear about thiiiiiiis...*bling*

Anko: Attention competitors! If you could all stop staring at my breasts for a minute, it's time to enter this dangerous forest.

Ino: Not only is she quoting Littlekuriboh but she is also incredibly hot and mentally unstable, she'll fit perfectly in this manga!

Dosu: Mummy man...Mummy man...does whatever a mummy can...

Naruto: Help me Fourth Hokage you're my only hope.

Gaara: One does not simply walk to the middle of the Forest of Death...unless he's me.

Scumbag Kiba: I'm going to steal additional scrolls just to get rid of some competition and put my entire team at unnecessary risk.

Weird Rain Ninja: What the hell is wrong with these people?

Anko: Too much internet.

**...**

Orochimaru: This is legitimately creepy.

Sasuke: I'm acting like a wuss! Which is no real change come to think of it...

Naruto: Time to kick ass and chew bubblegum.

Sasuke: Well, there's nothing wrong with him that's for sure.

Orochimaru: Bitch please *slap*

Naruto: Oh noooooo...

Sasuke: Well...that happened.

Orochimaru: And now, time to bite you! Seriously how is this not censored in the English version? What, blood is bad but acting like this is okay? Oh well!

Sasuke: Aouch my neck! Of all places to bite me!

Orochimaru: I can think of worse things you know.

Sasuke: On second thought, the neck isn't that bad.

**...**

Sakura: It's up to ME to defend them now!

Sasuke: Nightmaresnightmaresnightmar es...

Zaku: Oh, so it's just you? I guess you'll do the honorable thing and fight to the death and...

Sakura: BITE NO JUTSU!

Zaku: This...aouch? This sort of hurts...no seriously, get off...

Sakura: Never!

Dosu: She...she has the same training as the guys who fought Orochimaru and she resorts to biting her opponents? This...this is sad. There's no other word for it.

Zaku: Yeah...let's just go. Come on Kin.

Kin: Huh?

Zaku: Kin?

Kin: Oh right, I have a name.

Sakura: Hah! I sure showed them girlpower!

**...**

Lee: Can't believe this pre-tournament includes both the two absolutely worst fights in the entire series as well as the best one. This series sure peaks early.

Gaara: Time to get some epic shit going on here.

Lee: Too bad no fight will ever get near the level of epicness of this one. Oh well, let's go!

**...**

Naruto: Unsurprisingly the relevant characters manage to move on to the real tournament.

Sasuke: Also, conveniently, girls just fight girls, and there's only one left.

Naruto: Well Shikamaru fought girls...

Sasuke: Because it's part of a joke.

Naruto: Oh yeah. Hey, I genuinely prefer our exchanges in this lame flashback than in the original series.

Sasuke: Yeah me too. Now let's go eat some cotton candy and do some real friendship stuff so our relationship actually makes sense when I chase you for three years.

**...**

Naruto: So you're the standard pervy old guy of this anime?

Jiraiya: Pretty much, except that I do have some interesting backstory and motives, and my voice actors in both English and Japanese are awesome.

Naruto: Are you telling me they'll focus on the backstory of someone who isn't an Uchiha or Senju or Jinchuriki or main character? My mind is blown! Really!

Jiraiya: Also, I trained the fourth, but I won't tell you you're his son, nor will I tell you you're my godson, nor will I stick around when you actually need me, nor will I teach you any jutsu other than the Rasengan and the Summoning Jutsu which you will use for the entire series, nor will I tell you anything really interesting about the old days.

Naruto: Groovy.

Jiraiya: Titty sparkles.

**...**

Neji: I'm a stuck-up idiot. Isn't there any friendly soul here who can cure me of my stupidity and blandness?

Naruto: Did someone say friendly soul?

Neji: I don't like you!

Naruto: Well...alright...but I don't think we've met.

Neji: People are CHOSEN by DESTINY.

Naruto: What the hell...no?

Neji: I was MARKED when I was FOUR.

Naruto: Okay...but...that's because of the idiocy of your clan, not because of destiny.

Neji: Oh yeah.

Naruto: Don't worry, your clan will be entirely forgotten after this, until I give you a few half-assed compliments in one of the last arcs of the series.

Neji: Super!

**...**

Temari: No one has ever injured Gaara before!

Shino: What about Rock Lee?

Temari: Shh...I have to make the Uchiha look good!

**...**

Orochimaru: Little did you know we planned an attack on the village!

Hiruzen: Actually, yes I did. I already instructed my ANBU to spread out and keep watch of the city.

Orochimaru: Old man, the ANBU aren't capable of doing anything. You've failed.

Hiruzen: Oh well. Let's fight.

Orochimaru: REANIMATION!

Hashirama: Oh hey, this is me before all this ludicrous hype started! Ah, simpler times.

Tobirama: The only real screen time for several years! Hurray!

Hiruzen: So, if I beat you all at once, people will no doubt say I'm the strongest Ninja ever, right?

Orochimaru: Nah they'll blame my Edo Tensei. And they were apparently right all along.

Hiruzen: This is such bullshit.

**...**

Gaara: I WILL NOT CEASE TO EXIST!

Naruto: Even though your voice actor is amazing, you could just leave and not die, you know?

Gaara: SASUKE UCHIHAAAAAA.

Naruto: This is so creepy.

Sakura: Don't worry Naruto, I will save you!

Naruto: No wait, Sakura! You're a woman in Naruto!

Sakura: What does that have to do with anythi...GLEH!

Naruto: Sigh...

**...**

Gaara: Dude, this battle was so deep...I now know I have to get friends in order to become a real human being. Also, the side-effects of the Shukaku are now apparently gone after your headbutt of doom.

Naruto: All in a day's work.

**...**

Shikaku:...Then you'll love this next one: the Leaf Village's shadow STRANGLE jutsu!

Choza: Dude! You can't just kill them!

Shikaku: I beg your pardon?

Choza: We're the good guys!

Shikaku: We're NINJA and they're INVADING us!

Choza: Just knock them unconscious or something!

Shikaku: Never! Break neck with shadows no jutsu!

Choza: What the hell man?

Shikaku: We've been trained to kill since we were children! I'm surprised the majority of us aren't brainwashed, empty shells! Seriously! Who becomes a Ninja only to become a pacifist?!

Choza: Everyone in the Leaf?

Shikaku: It's a wonder the Village even stands...

**...**

Kakashi: It's so sad that the Hokage is dead...

Asuma: Yeah, he was a great father...

Kakashi: And he owed me money...

Asuma: Yeah me too...now let's never mention him again unless he's the good guy in a flashback.

Kakashi: Let's hope no one has to suffer a fate like that again.

Danzo: Why am I surprisingly scared by that statement, eh?

**...**

Kisame: Do we have to show up now? Can't we wait till Shippuden?

Itachi: No, the fans must enjoy my awesomeness now.

Kisame: Look, maybe they won't like you as much as you hope?

Itachi: Shark, please, I'm created to be everything the average Japanese teenager wants to be. My story will never end and people will accept the milking blindly and love the writer for it.

Kisame: What about me?

Itachi: People will joke about your father being a shark.

Kisame: Son of a...!

**...**

**AN**: Hiruzen's part done! Now only Tsunade and Hashirama remain! Who will win the Flashback off? What arc will Tsunade and Hashirama choose? Don't miss the next chapter! Now only for 59.99!

Just kidding of course...but seriously, I think I want to include the Wave arc, though I don't know who should retell it.

So Minato, Tobirama and Hiruzen - which flashback has been the best so far? Let me know in the reviews.

Your eyes are extra beautiful today...now review my story!


	48. The Flashback off part IV - Tsunade

_"Det är bättre att ha älskat och förlorat än att aldrig ha älskat alls" - "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"_ - Swedish proverb.

**...**

Tobirama: Pew pew! Oh no! Waterman has fallen! Will the evil Lord of the Land Amarihsah be victorious? What's this! Waterman rises! Unbelievable and BAM! Amarihsah is DOWN! Waterman prevails yet again! This is truly extraordinary people, I have never...!

Hashirama: What are you doing?

Tobirama: Nothing.

Hashirama: We could hear you scream about 'Waterman' all the way down to the living room.

Tobirama: Well that's strange. I don't know what to tell you.

Hashirama: Right...anyway, it's time for Tsunade's story. Do you mind coming down, Waterman?

Tobirama: I'm on my way...*whisper* I was just compared to Waterman! Tihihi!

**...**

Tsunade: Ah yes, it is my turn to tell this bunch of misfits a story...Let's see, what to make fun of, what to make fun of...Oh, I've got it. We shall go back to where it all began! Back to the Wave Arc! Back to a simpler time where I hadn't been introduced and Hiruzen was still the strongest in the world...

Hiruzen: Hey...

Minato: Woah, hold on! We may seriously upset our readers if we make fun of the first arc, is this really wise?

Hiruzen: Since when have we ever been afraid of that?

Minato: Yeah I know I was just joking and trying to get a line before we're interrupted by the...

*Flashback no jutsu!*

Naruto: I sure am glad to be out of that place! This is my first time outside of the walls!

Sakura: Seriously? That's kind of depressing. I mean the village is far from BIG. I mean there are barely any houses there and people must die constantly...I'm surprised it's still standing.

Kakashi: Well what would anyone do outside of a village anyway? This world is nothing but forests, mountains and villages.

Sasuke: Maybe he wanted to go and visit the capital?

Kakashi: Doesn't exist.

Sakura: Natural wonders?

Kakashi: Don't exist.

Naruto: Go to a place that serves different food?

Kakashi: Doesn't exist.

Naruto: What the hell! So if this world is completely empty, where do we get things like military equipment, chips, food and stuff from?

Kakashi: That's made in the village.

Naruto: But...the village is TINY! And you just said the food is the same wherever we are!

Kakashi: Pretty much. We also have politicians that supposedly govern us but they don't actually do anything either. Welcome to the Narutoverse, kids!

**...**

Demon Brother 1: Nothing could possibly wrong with killing an old man guarded by Genin!

Sasuke: And on this day, the Uchiha wank came to be!

Demon Brother 2: This is so insulting it physically hurts!

Demon Brother 1: At least let us kill him before...BLEH!

Kakashi: Hey guys. Yeah I should probably have informed you that my primary tactic is faking death. Also, instead of doing the logical thing and return to the village with these inexperienced child soldiers, I'll go on and hope they survive.

Tazuna: That's...rather messed up.

Kakashi: Well you've got a bridge to finish don't you? It'll somehow make your entire country rich even though we'll never actually witness it ourselves, so that's far more important than the lives of these kids.

Naruto: This is a pretty f*cked up world...

Kakashi: Wait until you realize this is the only real mission you'll ever take, even though it's basically what we Ninja do.

**...**

Zabuza: Baggy pants and a giant sword! Are you scared yet?

Tazuna: Not...really, you look like the majority of anime characters.

Zabuza: We'll see how you like it when I throw this ridiciulously large sword at you like a BOOMERANG!

*Duck*

Zabuza: Now...Come back!

*Falls to the ground*

Zabuza: I'm not sure what I was expecting...

**...**

Naruto: Kakashi has been trapped! Let's help him, Sasuke!

Sasuke: Luckily we've had enough time to polish our teamwork to the point where we can read each other's thoughts even though this is the first mission!

Tazuna: Aren't you going to help them?

Sakura: Nah, they've got this. You'll never see me cast an actual jutsu with the exception of the substituion jutsu.

Tazuna: What, why?

Sakura: I don't know but I'll somehow get a fanbase for doing nothing!

Zabuza: This is Naruto, everyone gets a fanbase! I'm sure even Kotetsu has a fanbase!

**...**

Haku: Yeah, so, uh, like, thanks for, eh, taking care of, er, Zabuza. I'm, eh, just gonna like, take him now. And, like, use a teleport eh jutsu, because like, apparently I can do that, you know.

Tazuna: Luckily there's nothing suspicious about this.

Naruto: Rawr! Why is he so much stronger than I? This gives me RAGE! Take this earth! *Slam slam*

Kakashi: Easy, leave the PMS to Sasuke. Besides, he's not really your age. I mean, look at him, he's like twice your size and actually has a voice that doesn't make him sound like an idiot. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll collapse and be vulnerable for exactly seven days.

Sakura: Wait, what? Why seven days? And how can you know that?

Kakashi: Because I've used my eye powers too much! Not that it'll ever come up again. Now farewell! Bleh!

**...**

Inari: There is no hope! You can never beat someone as powerful as Gato!

Sasuke: Can we just not do this?

Inari: What?

Sasuke: This. The whole not-believing-in-yourself-or-anything-so-that-the-main-character-has-to-save-you-from-yourself. It's obvious from a mile away, it's not creative unless done well, so just fuck off from this arc.

Inari: What are you talking about?

Sasuke: I'm talking about how this arc could have been amazing if we didn't waste it on you crying all the time.

Kakashi: Ironyironyironyirony...

Inari: I've had a hard life!

Sasuke: Just like everybody else on this show! Now let's go back to Zabuza and Haku.

**...**

Haku: So I was like yeah, and she was like no way, and I was like yeah.

Zabuza: What the hell? Is it already time for the bridge fight? How?

Kakashi: I used filler-skip, flashback-skip and fast-forward no jutsu.

Zabuza: Huh...that sounds pretty useful.

Kakashi: Oh you have no idea. Now let's stand here while our personal child soldiers fight at our behalf.

Zabuza: No fair, it's two against one!

Sakura: Don't worry sir, I won't do anything!

Zabuza: I beg your pardon?

Sakura: Yepp, it's what I do!

Zabuza: What the f**k is wrong with you?

Kakashi: Now Sasuke! Use emo dance!

Sasuke: SASUKEEEE!

Zabuza: Haku! Use spin no jutsu!

Haku: Like, alright you know!

**...**

Kakashi: And now they're in a dome of ice...

Zabuza: Pretty much. Makes it hard to see anything. Should we just stand here and wait for one of them to emerge victorious?

Kakashi: It's not like I have any other option.

Zabuza: What do you mean?

Kakashi: Well if I help Naruto and Sasuke, you'll attack the bridge builder.

Zabuza: But...if Haku lives up to the hype and wins, it'll be two against one. On the other hand, if your runts survive, you'll have TWO MORE TO WORRY ABOUT!

Kakashi: Hm? Oh shit you're right! Let's fight!

Zabuza: Finally!

**...**

Haku: Like, I never wanted to, eh, be a Ninja, you know?

Naruto: So do you mind stop throwing NEEDLES AT US?!

Haku: Sorry, like, it's a hobbit of mine.

**...**

Sasuke: I...hated you...

Naruto: So why did you save me?

Sasuke: I don't know...My body just moved on its own...But you must promise me something, Naruto...

Naruto: That if you survive I'll make sure your character has at least one percent of your current humility? That I will kill your brother for you? That I'll go on and become a strong Ninja in your place?

Sasuke: No...just...don't let people write bad fanfics about this...

Naruto: You do realize there are at least 20 poorly written abominations out by the time we finish this conversation right?

Sasuke: Well...crap...BLEH!

**...**

Haku: Like, ah, without, eh, Zabuza...life isn't worth living you know? And if I can't be of service, you know, I sort of lost my purpose, catching my drift?

Naruto: What the f**k does that mean? Just get patched up and be of help to him later?

Haku: Doesn't work like that little man.

Naruto: And now I'm going to put you out of your misery once and for all you freak of nature who does not have any sense of logic and who I may previously have had daydreams about before you revealed your gender!

Haku: Ops, Zabuza, like, needs help, ah. Sorry about that, guy who I was about to let kill me but who I could still easily defeat.

Naruto: Gah!

Haku: Teleport no jutsu! Seriously, er, this is like, super handy.

Naruto: And let's hope no one saw that...

**...**

Naruto: You monster! Haku looked up to you!

Zabuza: Yeah I'm like 20 centimeters taller than him.

Naruto: No I mean he really loved you!

Zabuza: Yeah I know I gave him all that pot all the time.

Naruto: Just...just kill Gato.

Zabuza: Without any hands? Dude I'm not suicidal it's not like I'm gonna...

Naruto: Take my kunai!

Zabuza: Like in my mouth I can't do... Phon off a bipth!

**...**

Zabuza: Oh how I wish...how I wish I could go where you have gone...

Naruto: This is actually really touching. Let's hope the series keeps this level of storytelling, character development and awesomeness!

Kakashi: HAAAAAAH AHHAHA!

Naruto: What?

Kakashi: Oh nothing...

Sakura: Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that those thugs are just waiting for Zabuza to finish his touching speech before they charge us?

Kakashi: That's the first rule of Naruto, Sakura. Always let people finish their monologues. I thought you knew better by now. It will only be broken once by Naruto's father in a flashback.

Naruto: You know who my father was?!

Kakashi: Nope. What gave you that idea?

Naruto: But you just said...

Kakashi: Lalala I'm not going to take any responsibility as his teacher whatsoever lalala

**...**

Sakura: Hey look, the love of my 13-year-old life survived!

Kakashi: Are you sure? Have you checked again?

Sasuke: I...think I feel on a few needles.

Kakashi: Ops, well you heard him we've got to leave him.

Sakura: But Kakashi I...

Kakashi: Last one to the village will get baniiiiished!

**...**

**AN:** Tsunade's part is now over. I could have done a longer or more relevant introduction but I figured the main story was more important. I'm really happy with how Kakashi turned out! Also, yes, Tobirama plays with toys.

I think this and Minato's flashback are my favorites. I also think Hashirama will do the Kage Summit Arc, simply because there's so much bullshit going on there that I feel it is best left to Hashirama, the king of fanfics.

Did you like this story? Remember to also read the next one which will end this epic arc of the flashback off. YOU will determine the winner by voting in the reviews.

Awesome proverbs are also welcome!


	49. The Flashback off part V - Hashirama

"_Wenn der Reiter nichts taugt, ist das Pferd schuld" - "If the horseman is bad, it's the horse's fault_" - German proverb.

(Blaming someone for one's own mistakes, in case you were wondering)

**...**

Hashirama: Oh Itachi, you're so silly...

Tobirama: What'cha doing bro?

Hashirama: I'm just reading Itachi's diary.

Hiruzen: That guy has a diary? Wait, why are you reading it?

Hashirama: Meh I snatched it last time we visited them over tea and biscuits.

Hiruzen: But he's a highly trained Ninja, how did you steal something so personal from him?

Hashirama: Easy, I just made a Senju DNA book. It'll take him forever to realize it, and I should be done with this book by then. Hm, that guy is seriously messed up...oh well, he's tormenting Sasuke so he's okay in my book. Ah, this is quality entertainment value, makes me wonder why we even have a TV.

Tsunade: Wait, Senju DNA book?

Minato: Anyway, it's your turn to tell us a story Hashirama! The Kage Summit Arc, I believe you wanted to retell?

Madara: Lol, Yoda!

Hashirama: Indeed! Now gather 'round children and listen to my tale about the arc that followed the last true good arc of the Naruto series. See, it all began with...began with...began with...

Tsunade: So am I the only one who's still wondering what the hell a Senju DNA book is?

Hashirama: Quiet you!

**...**

Naruto: So...Tsunade is in a coma, the village needs to be rebuilt, I saved everyone who died and gained the respect of everyone, thus fulfilling one of my life's main objectives. Hm, I guess I'll just have to save Sasuke, stop Tobi and get crowned Hokage and then the manga's over!

Kakashi: HAAAAAH HAHAHAH

Naruto: What's so damn funny?

Kakashi: Oh you poor, poor naïve fool...

**...**

Danzo: I'm totally the new Hokage.

Jonin 1: No, we haven't voted for you yet.

Danzo: You vote for the new Hokage, eh?

Jonin 2: Yeah of course...and no one actually likes you so it'll most likely be either Kakashi or that Naruto kid who just saved you.

Danzo: Oh dear, I thought I had planned everything.

Jonin 1: Planned what?

Danzo: Er...I mean...*pulls out gun* shut up and vote for me.

**...**

Danzo: Flawless! Time to use my old rival's clothes and...that sounded a lot less disturbing in my head eh.

Bodyguard 1: So should we all head to the Kage Summit in the Land of Iron?

Danzo: I suppose we might as well. I have prepared my Eye jutsu and Senju DNA to take control of the meeting, which will allow me to put myself and the village in a favorable position.

Bodyguard 2: If we ignore the fact that you TOO have a Sharingan and Senju DNA, that is pretty badass. Hell, this is one of the few true Ninja-like plans we've had so far.

Danzo: Indeed, now let's go, I feel like slaughtering a bunch of fodder in order to demonstrate my awesome battle style to the viewers.

***Ambush no jutsu!***

Danzo: Well here they are! Stand back, I shall deal with them myself! Wind no jutsu!

Ambushers: Bleh!

Danzo: Well that was easy.

Bodyguard 1: What the hell! That was brutal!

Danzo: So?

Bodyguard 2: So...! Why can't Naruto do that? What, invent a bunch of cool wind jutsu to minor characters but the protagonist should just have one?

Danzo: Pretty much. Remember, the audience is stupid...they would never be able to keep track of all the protagonist's jutsu!

Bodyguard 1: That's...a rather idiotic assumption.

Danzo: Yet I shall stick to it!

**...**

Sasuke: I'm ANGSTY!

Jugo: I still don't know what I'm doing in this show.

Karin: I ALSO love Sasuke for no satisfyingly explained reason. Also the only thing I'll ever do for this arc is to say 'what chakra!' or something along those lines. (Seriously, re-watch the arc.)

Suigetsu: What the hell am I doing with these freaks...

Sasuke: Come on guys, let's go and rush into a well-guarded location and take on five of the strongest Ninja alive at once. My RAGE and HATRED demand it!

Jugo: That sounds like a bad idea that would backfire in about a minute if you weren't a main character.

**...**

Tobi: I'm going to keep wearing this mask and tell everyone I'm Madara. It's fucking foolproof. No one will think I'm lying!

Zetsu: So uh...head to the Land of Iron?

Tobi: Oh yes. I might have to save Sasuke from an attack that should otherwise kill him within about one second. It's a tough job but someone has to make sure he can warp the plot enough.

**...**

Gaara: Let's see here, one midget with a freaky nose, one giant angry baby, one 100% fan service, one old guy in bandages who hides a freaky arm and a bunch of Sharingan. This ought to be a fun meeting.

Mifune: Why doesn't anyone care about the Samurai?! Guys?!

Mei: So...shouldn't any of the smaller countries join us? I mean if this affects us all I figure they might help as well...

A: Nah, ignore them, no one cares about them anyone. They're not fleshed out enough.

Onoki: Fleshed out? For the love of Kakko-sama, son! The protagonists have only been in ONE other major village, and we have yet to hear what actually separates us as villages. As far as we know all our cultures are exactly the same!

A: Huh...you do have a point. But it's to late to invite them now anyway. Now let me get pissed off about my brother.

Danzo: Your brother escaped. Sasuke failed to capture him.

A: Huh...so, what should we do now?

Sasuke: How about BATTLING ME, BITCHES?!

A: Sure.

*Bitch slap*

Sasuke: AAAAOUUUHH!

A: Oh crap, the overpowered fire got my hand. Oh well, you can fix this right?

Mei: I'm afraid it's too imba for us. It's of the Uchiha after all, and Jiraiya who sealed the fire in part one in a matter of seconds is dead. We couldn't possibly figure out something ourselves.

A: Well...f*ck.

**...**

Tobi: So in short, I'm Madara and I want to shroud this entire world in a genjutsu with the help of a bunch of Pokémon. Questions?

Gaara: Questiooooon, why?

Tobi: Personal matters.

Gaara: So why did you bother telling us this?

Tobi: So you can defend yourselves.

Gaara: But, that makes it harder for you to fulfill your plans.

Tobi: I'm sure I'll win anyway.

Gaara: An arrogant villain? This has never ended badly before.

Tobi: Now if it's all the same to you I shall...

A: Questiooooon, why isn't it called the 45-tails?

Tobi: Because it has TEN tails!

A: But it split into beings with a total of 45 tails?

Tobi: What do you want me to say? This logic makes absolutely no sense.

A: Questiooooon!

Tobi: I swear to Kakko-sama...

A: Why are you the only one who has mentioned this so far? Why have we been lead to believe the current Tailed Beasts are the epitomes of power? How come a few Ninja can go toe-to-toe with them? Why does this reek of utter bullshit?

Tobi: Because I'm Madara, that's why.

Gaara: No you're not.

Tobi: Shut up! I totally am!

Gaara: Then take of that mask.

Tobi: What?

Gaara: Your mask. I mean, you obviously have nothing to hide then, right?

Tobi: Well I have terrible acne, it's really embarrassing...

Gaara: Uh-huh.

Tobi: So...any last questions?

Onoki: How do you know this will work? I mean, getting all the Tailed Beasts, morph them into this world's equivalent of a god, become its Jinchuriki and then use a genjutsu...doesn't it seemed farfetched?

Tobi: No it's totally logical! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go and prepare my army of Senju DNA clones.

***Plop!***

Mei: Senju DNA clones? Is that all? Well then we'll beat him easily! Luckily Orochimaru's dead and there's no other guy running around with bullshit DNA powers who can enhance and raise entire armies. Right?

**...**

Sasuke: I'm ANGSTY! That's why I blindly follow this mysterious guy with the mask for no real reason whatsoever!

Danzo: Hm, Madara eh? I should save my powers and not go all out against this whiny little teenager who has threatened to destroy the village who gave him everything on a silver platter...

Sasuke: Rawr! Susano'o!

Danzo: Sigh...that AGAIN? I mean sure it was cool when Itachi did it but you TOO?

Tobi: Wait till Madara shows up...

Danzo: What's that, Madara?

Tobi: Nothing! Also, I am Madara!

Danzo:...

Sasuke: Fight me!

Danzo: I swear it's like talking to ten-year-olds eh...Wind no jutsu!

Sasuke: Argughuhrug!

Danzo: Haha! I sure showed him that...BLEH!

Sasuke: I finally hit someone with a kunai! I have to tell big brother that when...oh yeah that's right...

Danzo: Psyche! I'm using a forbidden Uchiha technique that I just made up. It protects me from fatal things like kunais.

Sasuke: Kunais are dangerous now?

Danzo: Apparently. We all know it would never have hit me if I didn't have this jutsu activated.

**...**

Danzo: Oh no, I can't win this due to my handicap...I'll have to resort to HOSTAGE NO JUTSU!

Karin: Sasuke-kuuun! Help me!

Sasuke: Oh Kakko-sama she reminds me of Sakura. Away with you!

***Double BLEH!***

Danzo: Hey he did something really villain-y, I bet people will start losing respect for him now.

Tobi: Danzo Danzo...you would have lost even without handicap, and people will never lose respect for Sasuke. He's a Japanese teenage dream personified, which means a lot of people will wank to whatever he does.

Danzo: But I would have won if this story hadn't had its head up its own anus when it comes to the Uchiha?

Tobi: Yupp.

Danzo: Well that sucks eh. Now allow me to have one final flashback that's actually moving before we proceed to other arcs that will just get worse and worse.

Tobi: Don't let me stop you.

Danzo: Seal explosion no jutsu!

Tobi: I don't even have to dodge. I'm also an Uchiha.

Danzo: Totally destroying Shisui's eye though.

Tobi: You bastard!

**...**

Naruto: Oh yeah, I'm here.

Tobi: By the way, I can totally see you have inherited the will of fire like the Senju and...

Naruto: Yeah yeah yeah I'm sure that's really interesting, inheriting personalities like that even though I thought the Will of Fire came from some Third Hokage poem...But apparently it's more Japanese genetics at work. Now will you let me battle Sasuke?

Tobi: Nope, but you may needlessly collide in a Rasengan-to-Chidori explosion that may or may not be used later in the plot to explain your next fight.

Naruto: Meh I'll take it.

***Boom***

Sasuke: Dude we knew each other for like two months as teammates! Will you just let me go already? You're like an obsessed ex!

Naruto: And you're just an angry child!

Sasuke: Shut up! I'll kill you for that!

Naruto: And he's one of fandom's favorites...

**...**

Sakura: Hey why didn't they include me trying to kill Sasuke?

Naruto: Because it's one of the most pathetic scenes in this entire series. You decide to finally do something, and yet you fail because you fell in love with a guy because he's pretty, and were almost killed as a result. The only thing you accomplished was to reduce the amount of Sasusaku shippers...And for that you have my eternal gratitude.

Sakura: So I did something?

Naruto: Yes, you failed and the fans finally woke up a little bit. I guess that's about what can be expected from you.

Sakura: Hurray!

**...**

**AN**: What Hashirama is talking about in the beginning is a reference to the fic called 'Itachi's diary of Doom', written by my friend Trigger M00nshield. It's a hilarious fic and of much higher quality than mine, so feel free to check it out.

The flashback arc is over! Tell me, who won this epic battle of retelling of arcs? Personally I vote for either Minato or Tsunade, this is probably my least favorite, even though I liked the part with the Kage questioning Tobi.

Remember, vote for the winner in your reviews! You decide who won, and it shall be reflected in a later Hokage in the Afterlife Chapter!


	50. Chapter 50 mega fun awesome crazy party

"_Living the hell of pursing knowledge is better than living in a paradise of ignorance_." - Arabic proverb.

**...**

Minato: Someone bring in Danzo!

Tobirama: What?

Minato: Just do it!

Hiruzen: Oooh Danzo! Could you come in for a minute?

Danzo: Oh boy I finally get to get inside! So long you freaks of nature!

Madara: I say, you're quite the prick Danzo!

Obito: You bloody Ninja Dingo Traitor Motherfucker!

Danzo: Hello new best friends, eh!

Minato: RASENGAN!

Danzo: AHHHHHHHH!

***Crash***

Tsunade: That was kind of unnecessary!

Minato: Au contraire my dear!

Tsunade: Still older than you...

Minato: This story now has 500 reviews, 50 chapters and I won that horrible flashback off arc!

Hashirama: Wasn't that whole thing your idea?

Minato: So my main character status in this backwater story is solidified and people love it!

Tobirama: Too bad the main series died.

Minato: Yeah, wait, what?

Hiruzen: Didn't you read this week's chapter?

Minato: No?

Tsunade: Give it a try.

Minato: Fine!

*One minute later, because seriously, no one needs more time than that to read this mess...no jutsu*

Minato: Well that's one way to ruin my surprisingly good mood.

Tsunade: Well I sort of enjoyed it, if only to see you guys acting like complete morons. How's that present coming along, Minato?

Hiruzen: Yeah, the world's ending, so the prices must be pretty darn low at the moment, right?

Minato: Shut up.

Hashirama: Hey I think this is a fantastic opportunity for Minato.

Minato: Thank you, Hashirama.

Hashirama: Naruto has one set of clothes. In orange. Minato can finally fix Naruto's wardrobe problem.

Minato: Fuck you, Hashirama.

Tobirama: They could get their own spinoff show...Zombie Ninja and Son.

*Enter the Akatsuki*

Itachi: I'd watch that.

Minato: Well there's no better way to celebrate an epic failure than adding a bunch of psychotic killers frequently portrayed as nothing more than a dating platform in the fandom community into the mix. Tell me, how does it feel going from badass villains to fodder for creepy self-insert fanfics?

Konan: I don't know, how does it feel posing on top of your own face right before you go present shopping for your son while the world's ending.

*OOOOH BUUUUURN NO JUTSU!*

Minato: Whatever, you guys have fun reading about the neverending story of Itachi and Hashirama and Uchiha fan wank!

Hashirama: Yeah speaking about that, sorry about stealing your diary Itachi. And urging you to mess with Sasuke. And trying to replace it with a Senju DNA clone...I like your moustache?

Itachi: Oh it's no problem. And thank you! Kisame tried growing one too, but we had to shave it off with Samehada.

Sasori: Seriously?

Itachi: Apparently fish people moustaches have a high concentration of chakra if allowed to grow. And then it starts eating blond people's hair.

Deidara: I still don't buy it.

Kisame. 'Twas the worst day ever. But Deidara's hair was delicious.

Minato: Look, can we go back to doing what we do best? Praising this fanfic and then making fun of this week's chapter of Naruto? By Kakko-sama, I'm the main character! Listen to me!

Konan: Kakko-sama?

Tsunade: Basically the guy who is responsible for Obito's death, allowing all these horrible plot twists, retcons and other Ninja-related disasters to take place.

Konan: Oh. Wow that guy IS evil.

Minato: I get no respect here at all.

Kakuzu: So am I the only one who's bothered by Karin still acting like a horny school girl around Sasuke? She was pierced through the chest...and she still wants to jump him.

Hidan: Well he DID apologize.

Kakuzu: *Sigh*...You won't even accept my apologies when I accidentally step on your toes, why in the hell would a trained Ninja accept a half-assed apology from the guy who was willing to sacrifice her by piercing her CHEST?

Hidan: Japanese anime characters...?

Kakuzu: *Raises one finger, opens mouth...closes mouth, shuts up and thinks*

Hiruzen: So no one is upset about Orochimaru suddenly turning good just because he was inspired by Sasuke? I mean, he'd better be planning something, 'cause this show desperately need a villain that can, oh I don't know, act like a villain?

Tobirama: Well not only that, but what's going to happen to us after we've saved the day (even though this is supposed to be about the new generation surpassing the old...)? I mean, we're still ZOMBIES.

Hashirama: Hey, maybe we WON'T save the day. Maybe that's a twist...?

Sasori: Please, this is Naruto, don't expect any GOOD plot twists.

Deidara: I don't think that's a good plot twist.

Sasori: Neither do I but in addition to sucking, it would most likely be pulled off in a manner worse than the Mass Effect 3 ending.

***Ba dum TS!***

Kisame: One thinketh that 40.000 Shinobi and a score of main characters ought to be enough to defeat two dastardly villains and their Pokémon...

Tobirama: Nah, for some reason, we're needed.

Hashirama: Think we'll actually take a few chapters getting there, or will we arrive just when we're needed the most?

Pain: I'm willing to bet it'll be delayed. Also, wouldn't this be a good time to sort of figure out what's happening to Tsunade? And let Kakashi reveal why he killed Rin? You know, just so we can focus on the main story and now have a bunch of loose ends hanging so close over our heads that they tickle?

Itachi: Just watch it when Madara gets seriouz you guys, 'cause like swagyolo, he's not been serious yert bro. #uchihaswag

**...**

Minato: RASENGAN!

**...**

Itachi: AAAH!

***Crash***

Madara: Welcome to the Senju DNA and Sharingan Club stranger! Fancy a cup of tea?

Danzo: Maple syrup, eh?

Obito: Raw alligator liver?

**...**

Minato: Ah that felt good...

Kakuzu: So not only do we have to put up with Sasuke, but also more loose ends? Kakashi is still not telling Obito why he killed Rin, we're just waiting for Obito to redeem himself somehow and Tsunade is dying...We could dedicate two chapters to that, have all questions answered, and then start focusing on the main plot so this arc can finally end!

Tsunade: That's crazy! What about all the necessary flashbacks?!

Minato: Don't make me Rasengan you too. I will do it.

Hashirama: So am I the only one who doesn't see WHY we're having this arc? I mean, after the Pain Invasion arc, Naruto accomplished all his goals except bringing Sasuke back. Shouldn't there just have been one more arc dealing with Tobi, Sasuke and Danzo, the latter of which the Konoha 11 could have taken out and in the process allow them to actually do something of importance?

Tobirama: I agree, there has been zero value to the story after since that arc...Why couldn't he just have been made Hokage while Tsunade was out of it? Piss of Danzo, who sends assassins after Naruto, who is on a quest to bring back his friend. There, much simpler. No Ten-Tails, no Senju or Uchiha nonsense, no stupid war where we're just watching nameless redshirts die to previously unknown Ninja! Fantastic.

Tsunade: But what about Minato's PRESENT?!

Minato: RASENGAN!

Tsunade: AAAAAAHHHHH!

Konan: *Sigh* I'll go see if she's okay.

Hidan: So am I like, still slowly dying in that hole? Why hasn't anyone mentioned me?!

Kakuzu: I mentioned you.

Hidan: Truly?

Kakuzu: Right before my masks were beaten by Tenten.

Hidan: ...

Hashirama: ...

Hiruzen: ...

Pain: ...

Sasori: ...

Deidara: ...

Tobirama: ...

The Nefarious Senju DNA and Sharingan Club: ...

Minato: Yeah...get out. Now.

**...**

**AN:** Well that was awfully fun to write. Sorry about the delay but I took an unhealthy dose of real life to the face.

So, the 50th chapter...time sure flies huh?

So yeah, this chapter was a mess. I can't believe I'm still reading it. Itachi still gets praised, Hokage posing, Karin acting like a bitch, Orochimaru turning good (please let it be an act), Tobirama naming two Uchiha who are only mentioned frequently in the fandom...Makes me think the author knows more about what people say on the web than I originally thought.

So yeah, a few things: Minato won the flashback off, I made another nod to Itachi's diary of doom, written by my good friend Trigger M00nshield, I used a bunch of my own running jokes in case people had forgotten where they came from, and Minato's shopping for presents. And is seemingly planning on continuing living after he has beaten Madara. Looks like he'll tell Naruto the Birds and the Bees, become Hoakge, get married and then peacefully pass away.

As a friggin' zombie.

Review, favorite and tell me how awesome I am. Remember that for every review here, a baby panda is born.


	51. Rock me, Hashirama!

"_Experience is the comb nature gives us when we're bald_." - Belgian proverb.

**...**

Hashirama: You know Minato...sometimes I forget you're a Ninja.

Minato: I beg your pardon?

Hashirama: It will be a pleasure to teach you a thing or two about how being a real Ninja.

Minato: Hashirama, I'm just trying to read the Ninja Newz here...What are you on about this time?

Hashirama: MUSIC NO JUTSU!

*Music starts playing*

Hashirama: Anything you can do I can do better - I can do anything better than you!

Minato: What? No you can't!

Hashirama: Yes I can!

Minato: What the hell?

Hashirama: Yes I can!

Minato: Piss off!

Hashirama: Yes I can yes I caaaaan!

Minato: Any jutsu you can do I can do better! I can do any jutsu better than you!

Hashirama: No you can't.

Minato: Yes I can.

Hashirama: No you can't.

Minato: Yes I can.

Hashirama: No you can't.

Minato: Yes I can yes I caaaaaan!

I interrupt monologues and I summon giant frogs!

Hashirama: I can control Tailed Beasts with a little wooden leash

Minato: I teleport at the speed of light!

Hashirama: That's your trick?

Minato: Yes.

Hashirama: So's Obito's.

Minato: Aouch!

Any Uchiha you've faced I've faced tougher!

Hashirama: I've faced much tougher Uchiha than you!

Minato: No you've not!

Hashirama: Yes I have!

Minato: No you've not!

Hashirama: Yes I have!

Minato: No you've not!

Minato: Yes I have yes I haaaaaave!

Hashirama: Any flashback you can have I can have longer! I can have any flashback longer than you!

Minato: Impossible!

Hashirama: Bitch please!

Minato: No you can't!

Hashirama: Yes I can!

Minato: No you can't!

Hashirama: Yes I can yes I caaaaaaan!

Minato: Any fodder you can beat I can beat faster!

Hashirama: I can beat any foe faster than you!

Minato: No you can't.

Hashirama: Yes I can.

Minato: No you can't.

Hashirama: Yes I can.

Minato: No you can't.

Hashirama: Yes I can yes I caaaaaan!

Minato: I'm a blond Asian and not even Saiyan!

Hashirama: I've got a great tan just like my man Tarzan!

Minato: Tell me Hashie how's your son?

Hashirama: My what now?

Minato: That's what I thought.

Hashirama: Any reforms you can do I can do better - I can do any reforms better than you!

*Music stops abruptly*

Minato: Dude, you did PAPERWORK as a Hokage?

Hashirama: Admittedly no, I never did.

Minato: Me neither. Can you imagine? A Hokage doing paperwork?

*Laughter*

Hashirama: Aw man...that was a good one.

Minato: Yeah, to think we just came up with the lyrics just like that.

Hashirama: I know right?

**...**

AN: So, I just had this idea and I had to try it out. I've always been bad at writing lyrics, and this is no exception, but it had to be done. The song is, of course, the classic "Anything you can do I can do better" by Irving Berlin for the Broadway musical Annie Get Your Gun! Rap battles are so mainstream so I figured I should just steal shamelessly from a classic instead!

Also, Minato is referring to the fact that we only know about Hashirama's granddaughter Tsunade, and not his actual son/daughter.

What did you think? Please tell me in the reviews!

Disclaimer: I do not own the song 'Anything you can do I can do better'. It was written by Irving Berlin for the 1946 Broadway musical Annie Get Your Gun! I have nothing to do with it. This version is for internet entertainment only.


	52. Poker face? Madara? Not really

"Efter þvi sem gamlir fuglar sungu, kvököu þeir ungu" - As the old birds sing, so do the young ones tweet. - Icelandic proverb.

**Warning: Strong language and jokes in bad taste contained in this chapter. Reader discretion is advised.**

**...**

Madara: RAPE FACE NO JUTSU!

Hashirama: Hm? OH SWEET HOLY JUMPING NINJA JESUS!

Madara: You haven't answered my calls...

Hashirama: I've been sort of dead you know.

Madara: Me too but that didn't stop me from calling you...

Hashirama: I...wait, what?

*Minato enters munching on an apple*

Minato: Hey Madara, how did you get in here?

Madara: I'm not quite sure.

Hashirama: Uh, Minato can't you just Rasengan him out of here? Look at his face! He's scaring me and the entire audience!

Minato: Hm? I don't see anything.

Hashirama: What?! He looks like something BROKE inside! Look at him! That's the look of pure EVIL and child molestation! Japanese Ninja Satan himself would be terrified!

Minato: It's not like we haven't called him crazy for the entirety of this story. How can this come as a surprise to you? We already knew he was a psycho horny Uchiha bastard. This face changes nothing. Tea, Madara?

Madara: Please.

Hashirama: YOU'RE OFFERING HIM TEA?! GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

Minato: Neh, I'd rather not. Maybe he can give us some spoilers. It's not like anything happened in this chapter. Oh, besides Kakashi and Obito entering a duel. Finally.

Madara: I'm gonna rape your entire family Hashirama.

Hashirama: *Gulp*

Madara: Why do you think I cut off Tsunade's legs?

Hashirama: Oh Kakko-sama...

Madara: I've actually got them right here in my pocket...

Hashirama: Holy crap...wait, how?

Madara: Senju DNA.

Hashirama: HOW ARE YOU NOT WORRIED, MINATO?!

Minato: I am.

Hashirama: Finally!

Minato: Naruto has been repeating that friendship speech so many times now I have lost count. I'm afraid he has suffered some kind of brain damage.

Hashirama: I WAS TALKING ABOUT MADARA YOU PRICK. GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

Minato: Why? According to the manga you're so much stronger than all those 40.000 people on the field who are getting their asses handed to them by two people combined.

Hashirama: Oh yeah...Trees no jutsu!

Madara: *AAAAAAAAhhhhhhhh Iregretnothiiiiiing*

Minato: Aw man, I wanted to know what happened next, dude!

Hashirama: Kakashi reveals why he killed Rin either when he's losing or winning badly, doesn't really matter. The Ten-Tails is imba, Madara gloats some more, we get more friendship speeches, Obito redeems himself, the good guys win, Obito dies.

Minato: Oh wow...how do you know that?

Hashirama: I guess I'm a seer. Now how about we get drunk and forget Madara's rape face?

Minato: I keep telling you he looked completely normal to me! How could anyone be surprised by him being an utter nutjob? He wants to create his OWN MENTAL FANTASY WORLD. Also, he defies the laws of gravity and genetics. I don't really know what else to tell you.

Hashirama: I guess you're right, pretty boy. So how's that present to Naruto going?

Minato: You son of a Uchiha get back here!

Hashirama: Lololololololol

Tsunade: *Sigh* Why do I still live here?

**...**

AN: Madara's rape face was glorious, I must admit. Still, horrible chapter - 40.000 people can't do anything against two Uchiha so Naruto has to protect them. Everyone just stands there when Obito teleported in and Kakashi waited till the Ten-Tails broke lose before he tried warping it. Good job gang. The only thing that really happened was Kakashi and Obito entering the other dimension to duke it out, which is about bloody time.

Short chapter this time but I had to write something today, while I still found Madara's rape face funny. What did you think of my chapter and this week's Naruto chapter? Let me know in the reviews!

Also, 10 karma points if you shamelessly tell people about my stupid little story.


	53. The Adventures of Fodder 455

_"De grandes ceias estão as sepulturas cheias." - (Idiomatic translation): Gluttony kills more than the sword; Wine has drowned more than the sea_. - Portuguese proverb

**...**

Hashirama: Alright guys, make sure Madara doesn't attack us while we four try and defeat the god of this world. We should be done by lunch.

Fodder 455: Er, sir, can we go home now?

Hashirama: I beg your pardon?

Fodder 455: Well I mean...neither I nor my kinsmen without names can do anything in this situation. Why are we even here?

Hiruzen: I don't understand, son, you're a Ninja! You're supposed to deal with the evils trying to take over the world here!

Fodder 455: Yeah but...there's nothing we redshirts can do! This entire 'war' has been about clones beating up Ninja without names. I think someone named Neji died too, but people got over that really quickly.

Minato: Who the hell is Neji?

Fodder 455: Exactly.

Hiruzen: Some lad with...bayakayagan or something. I don't know, I never really liked him.

Tobirama: I don't mind the fodders leaving, I'm finally getting some screen time!

Fodder 455: Great, so I'll just go home, then. Strange that a 'war' only lasts for a couple of days but hell, what do I know, I'm just 'fodder' even though I, too, trained as much as you guys did when I was a child.

Hashirama: Oh hell no, son, you're staying! You can go and make sure Madara doesn't interrupt us.

Fodder 455: Care to run that by me one more time?

Hashirama: You heard me. Go and attack Madara.

Fodder 455: Are you insane?! Do you know what he did to the five current Kage we have conveniently forgotten all about?

***Meanwhile, a few miles east***

Tsunade: The...pain...

Onoki: Why did we even fight against Madara if it didn't contribute anything to the story?!

A: Gaara...I f*cking hate you.

Gaara: WHY?!

A: Without you there wouldn't have been an Alliance! Why did you have to hold a passionate speech that unified the entire world in less than a minute? Didn't you sort of steal Naruto's job?

Mei: Oh yeah...I'm surprised people aren't actually discussing that a bit more. Loyalties are fickle here.

Gaara: I hate you all...if I could walk, I'd totally leave you all behind.

***And back to our hero***

Hashirama: I'm blissfully unaware of that, now go and attack Madara.

Fodder 455: Fine, but can I at least get some backup from the 40.000 people who are standing around doing nothing?

Minato: I'm afraid we'll need them here to be impressed by our awesomeness or explain the plot if it gets too messy. I'm sure you'll do well on your own.

Fodder 455: I hate you all.

***Five minutes later***

Madara: Oh, hello there chap, care for a spot of tea?

Fodder 455: Actually I'm sort of supposed to fight you...

Madara: Dear me! Why on Earth would you want to do that?

Fodder 455: Well you're sort of destroying the world in order to create your own mental amusement park...And I sort of like living and I have a wife and kids...you know, the usual. Wait, why aren't you attacking the Hokage while they're distracted?

Madara: Well you see, Hashirama told me to wait.

Fodder 455: ...Wat.

Madara: Yes, so I'm waiting for him. Kind of a bore really.

Fodder 455: But...but what about creating your utopia?! What about your masterplan?! What about your GOALS AND YOU BEING A VILLAIN?

Madara: Oh, that? Well I can do that after I have defeated Hashirama of course.

Fodder 455: So defeat him now?

Madara: No, I'd rather not...I'm enjoying my 12 o' clock tea.

Fodder 455: You're not worried at all about the fact that you'll have to deal with three other Hokage, the protagonist of the story, the plot warping Uchiha and 40.000 other people?

Madara: Not really no. Besides, Hashirama told me to wait, it'd be rather rude if I just disobeyed him like that.

Fodder 455: You're the most disappointing villain ever!

Madara: Well that was rude! I'm afraid I won't offer you any biscuits now. Just sit down and watch the story taking place.

Fodder 455: Fine.

***Meanwhile, down there***

Sasuke: I hate you all, I killed the sixth Hokage (although everyone seems to be okay with that), I have been a traitor to the village for three years and even before that I treated you all like crap, but I sort of want to become Hokage now.

Naruto: I'm not surprised at all to see my father and all the other Hokage who have been my idols since I was a kid fight here alongside me.

Kiba: So...are we supposed to do something? I mean we have been thoroughly neglected for years, why do you care about our opinions of Sasuke?

Minato: Haters gonna hate when I bring my cape of hatred.

Hiruzen: I wonder if I'm actually going to do something, seeing as I have no Tailed Beast power ups, no Senju DNA, no eye jutsus and no Kekkei Genkai. Huh...

Tobirama: SCREEEEEEEEEN TIIIIIIIIIME.

Hasirama: How the hell did everyone get hold of my DNA anyway...

Sakura: I'm going to do something!

*Crickets...cough...*

**...**

AN: Now we just need a name for Fodder 455. Clarence sounds nice...

Also, I know I've been gone for a long time, but I haven't felt that motivated for a number of reasons. Especially not since I get a bunch of critics telling me they want to remove my story. Sucks, especially since one of them had a chat format story too, and stole my friend's fic once. So I can't really take them seriously.

Anyway, what did you think of this week's Naruto? And what should Fodder 455's name be? Reviews make me happy!


	54. The Hokage inUndeath?

"_Близо́к локото́к, да не уку́сишь._" - Your elbow is close, yet you can't bite it. (It only looks like it's easy) - Russian proverb.

**...**

Hiruzen: Huh, looks like someone who used to complain about us not following the rules is copying our story. I wonder if those guys are even aware of their own hypocrisy.

Tobirama: We ought to go over there and teach them a lesson about...

Minato: RASENGAN!

*Crash!*

Tobirama: AOUCH! Dude! What the hell?

Minato: Shut it you wuss, for we have little time!

Hashirama: You mean that megalomaniac sitting over there waiting for me to kick his ass or the 45-Tails we're trying to stop as we speak?

Minato: NEITHER! SAKURA thinks she's actually being a good character just because of some last minute power-up!

Tobirama: Mother of Kakko-sama...

Hashirama: This changes everything! Hokage, away!

***Epic theme music***

Sakura: So yeah I'm pretty much a big deal now. I think I'll go call my mom and dad.

Hiruzen: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING!

***Epic formation as they land***

Sakura: Uh, hello, Lord Third...

Hashirama: Time to educate some bitches, bitches love education...

Tobirama: Can you save us your vague internet references and start lecturing her already?

Hashirama: Scumbag Tobirama...

Sakura: What the hell?!

Minato: So, think you're a good character now?

Sakura: Well, yeah! Did you see me beat those clones? I mean that is my first real fight scene in like forever!

Tobirama: What about that White Zetsu?

Sakura: Yeah that but...wait, how do you know about that?

Minato: That doesn't count and we have a huge plasma screen TV in the Afterlife. Anyway, we're here to explain why you're a horrible main heroine.

Hashirama: Let's go back to the first part of the series where you were being trained under one of the finest Ninja in the entire Hidden Leaf, only to sit around, do nothing and drool over the guy who was more or less emotionally abusing you.

Tobirama: And when both Naruto and Sasuke needed you the most in the Forest of Death, you wound up BITING the aggressors. BITING! You were a Ninja with the exact same experience as Naruto and Sasuke!

Hiruzen: But we're focusing too much on what you've done in combat, which is the biggest problem with people who say Sakura is an okay character. See, even if you are a talented medic, you're still a completely unlikeable bitch.

Minato: Kind of like Sasuke, but we've made fun of him so much already. Oh well I guess it can't hurt to do it some more. HEY SASUKE!

Sasuke: What?

Minato: YOU SUCK!

Sasuke: OROCHIMARUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! *WAAAH*

Jugo: And I'm just standing here adding absolutely nothing of value to the series.

Tenten: Aye

Kiba: Same here.

Shino: I mean where did my mysticism go?

*I could go on, but I won't*

Minato: Anyway, continue, old man. Oh, by the way, the author is writing this the day of the release of chapter 632. I'm just saying this here in hopes of the faker missing it. Oh sure she probably won't and she'll probably keep copying my story but hey, you've got to try, right? Strange how she's copying a fairly popular story and thinks she'll actually get away with it. Especially one where the author explicitly states he is a man - oh well I guess you can remove that too.

Hiruzen: Are you quite done?

Minato: Huh? Oh yeah, sorry, I just sort of zoned out a bit. By all means, continue.

Hiruzen: Anyway, the point is...

Minato: *Whistles loudly*

Hiruzen: **OLD MAN SLAP NO JUTSU!**

Minato: Aouch! That really hurt! I can't believe you used the Narutoverse's most powerful jutsu on me!

Hiruzen: You deserved it. Anyway, the point is: you're a bitch. You always have been and probably always will be. You have been a horrible friend and teammate, a completely spineless coward and just a failure in every way as a person. No matter how much ass you kick till the end of the series, the readers will still have that image of you.

Minato: See, it's one thing to be a bad person and change in a believable way. It's actually a very satisfying thing to see when you read a book or play a game or whatever. To see someone recognize his or her own flaws and then try and remedy that. You, however, have been nothing but a liability for almost the entire series, and you have added absolutely nothing of interest to the series. You have no background, no motives, no real personality and your sudden power-up makes absolutely no sense. And if you're as powerful as Naruto is now even after all the shit he has been through, well then I'm going to have to call bullshit.

Hashirama: Hell, this chapter just shamelessly tried to play on nostalgia in order to make readers interested again, but it just doesn't work when you've thoroughly neglected the support cast for the vast majority of the series. I'm sure someone out there had some kind of nerdgasm when this happened, but can you please tell me why I should suddenly care about Kiba and Shino who have done...well, nothing for the entire series?

Minato: You know, I hope Sasuke betrays everyone. It would make sense - he avoids Tobirama killing him outright, plays along until the Big Bads have been defeated and then BAM, seizes control of...well us, and then attack the Ninja Alliance when they think they've won. And then kill Jugo and those other two whatever their names are while you're at it.

Hiruzen: Yeah, at least this way it would end on an interesting note. I mean sure, Sasuke won't die. In fact he'll probably redeem himself, end the curse of hatred which still doesn't make one iota of sense, and then live happily ever after. But this series HAS to end on an interesting note so that people can at least look back at the ending fondly. I mean, just look what happened to the entire Mass Effect franchise.

Tobirama: Hell it would even make a twisted kind of sense, he wants to kill his competitors, become Hokage and reform the world to his liking. Granted he would never succeed but still, it's far more interesting than hearing Obito and Madara crying about injustice and stuff over and over and over again.

Hashirama: Weren't we doing something just now...?

Sakura: Uh...you were talking to me?

Minato: Huh? Oh yeah, you're a horrible character, stop thinking you're good. Now, who wants some hot wings?

Sakura: Just one question?

Hiruzen: Yes?

Sakura: What about that barrier?

Hashirama: Huh? OH SHI-!

**...**

AN: Yeah, I didn't like this week's chapter either. Big surprise. Also, there's someone out there copying my story - Rodin of the Shire or whatever her name is. One of the members of Critics Together. Delicious hypocrisy.

This week just tried to play on nostalgia, nothing more. Having Sakura being able to do something NOW and even claiming to be as powerful as Naruto or Sasuke who surpassed their Sannin masters ages ago, is nothing less than ludicrous.

Maybe Clarence has some valuable insight...unfortunately he was busy charging against a bunch of clones - I swear I've seen these kinds of powers somewhere before.

Anway, as always, review, favorite and all that good stuff. Tell me what you thought about this week's Naruto chapter and of course my chapter. I'm sorry it's not as fun as I hope it usually is, but I just didn't have much to do with this week's chapter.


	55. Super Important High School Stuff!

_Aka the Hokage in an 80's movie_

**...**

Tsunade: Like, oh em gee did you hear we're getting a new exchange student from Iceland today? Like oh em gee, like, oh em gee. A real viking!

Ino: Oh em gee!

Teacher-senpai-sama: Now if you could stop with your racial stereotypes you naughty naughty children, we have a new student here at Freedom McGodville High.

Minato: 'Sup.

*Leather jacket, weird 80's haircut*

Tsunade: Oh em gee?

Ino: Oh em gee!

Minato: Who wants to totally ride down to that 50's restaurant and order some righteous milkshakes while we play VIDEO GAMES?!

Douche1: Right now?

Minato: Right now.

Douche2: TOTALLY RADICAL!

Teacher-senpai-sama: Wait just a second here, new guy who looks like he's in his thirties for some reason, you have class.

Minato: UP YOURS! I don't care about your rules, I'm a free soul! SOCIETY STINKS!

*Leaves room with said douchebags*

Teacher-senpai-sama: Oh I do like them fiesty...Mm mm MM!

Clarence: If he doesn't care about school, then why did he apply for the exchange program?

*Sound of crickets*

Clarence: Really, I'm the only one who thinks about stuff like that?

Tsunade: Like, who cares about detail? By the way, prom's coming up soon, so I will totally ask him out!

Clarence: Wait, isn't prom usually the last thing you do at school? Exchange students normally begin around the same time as we do!

Tsunade: I don't think Minato knows I exist...

Clarence: He didn't introduce himself so you shouldn't know his name and also and HE JUST GOT HERE!

Tsunade: I gotta talk to daddy!

Clarence: Can't people hear me?!

Teacher-senpai-sama: So you're leaving too?

Tsunade: Yupp yupp.

Teacher-senpai-sama: Fine, whatever - class dismissed!

*At home!*

Hiruzen: And that is why old people are a liability to society and are only good for telling random stories that has nothing to do with anything.

Hashirama: Dad, you're talking to the lamp, and I'm trying to read the newspaper. Because that's what fathers did in the 80's.

Tobirama: I am a father but Louise has full custody of the kids ever since I lost my job as an office supply salesman .

Hashirama: That was an awfully convenient dialogue that told us everything about your character, besides the fact that you're also almost bald except for a sad little wreath at the back of your head. Oh, and that you're living with us due to financial problems.

*Door slam!*

Tsunade: DADDY!

Hashirama: Why do people always leave the door open in movies?

Tsunade: There's this new boy in school and he doesn't know I exist!

Hashirama: Wait isn't the year almost over?

Tsunade: What should I do?!

Hashirama: Well gee, I don't know, talk to him? I'm not good at this sort of things you know, it's not like people go to their parents and talk about their love lives.

Tobirama: He's right you know...James never talked to me...about anything.

Hashirama: That's because you named your daughter James.

Tsunade: But I can't talk to him! He's just such a cool rebel! He doesn't care about laws or school, and probably doesn't care about the prom!

Hashirama: Honestly why did he even bother signing up for the exchange program then?

Hiruzen: If he's a foreigner, then talk to him about your rich ancestry!

Tsunade: Wait, where are we from? Where do we live anyway?

Hashirama: I thought this was the New York suburbs?

Tobirama: It's not Shanghai?

Hiruzen: If I recall we live in Tokyo...

Tsunade: I always thought we lived in Vancouver!

Hashirama: Oh well it doesn't matter. Now can I do fatherly things alone now, like reading the newspaper, smoking pipe and ignoring my daughter?

Tsunade: Daddy! Help me!

Hashirama: Fine! You know, you're like Danish hip hop.

Tsunade: Wha...?

Hashirama: Unable to be taken seriously.

Tsunade: You're right, I should play it cool! Thanks!

*Runs away*

Hashirama: What the hell just happened?

Tobirama: Women always hear what they want to hear.

Hashirama: The day I take advice in regards to women from you is the day hell freezes over.

Tobirama: Well my wife is alive at least...

Hashirama: And she's now living the sweet life with another man while your daughter finally has a real male role model.

Hiruzen: Also your daughter's name is James.

Hashirama: Exactly.

Tobirama: Fine, you know what! Let's go to Tsunade's prom - and the one with the hottest date there wins!

Hashirama: Dude, we're middle-aged, I'm fairly sure we're not allowed to my daughter's school prom.

Tobirama: Oh come on, you know as well as I do that 'teenagers' in movies are always played by 30-year-olds.

Hashirama: We don't even attend that school, and you're almost bald!

Tobirama: Sounds like someone's scared.

Hashirama: 80's Pride Mode no Jutsu!

Tobirama: No jutsu?

Hashirama: Roll with it. I accept your righteous challenge! The one with the hottest date wins! - Wins what exactly?

Tobirama: The other guy's apartment?

Hashirama: You don't have one.

Tobirama: Damn.

Hiruzen: I shall be the judge of this competition! Just give me a while and I'll think of a suitable prize or punishment for this competition. Now shake hands, boys! And may the best man win!

Hashirama: Which means me, of course.

Tobirama: I shall go and mentally prepare for the...

***Slap!***

Tobirama: What the hell?!

Hashirama: Sorry, I've been wanting to smack that gloriously shiny head of yours for a few minutes now.

...

End of part 1

And of course, it is up to you, my dear readers, to decide what the prize or punishment shall be for this competition. Let me know in your reviews!

Also, I'm not proud of my last chapter at all. I just complained about Sakura and wasn't very witty at all. I apologize for the lack of quality there. So I'm writing a sillier story to make it up to you. Now let's move on in an 80's fashion - by dancing all night long!

No but seriously, let me know what you think and let me know what the prize or punishment should be. Also, how do you think this will end? I think I'll only writer two chapters here, so the next chapter will be intense.

Also, I watched a few episodes of Code Geass - that has to be the most Japanese thing ever created. Tall, sexy high school students with weird powers in giant robots fighting against blond American-Britts. And oh so, SO much fan service and sexism.


	56. Put a shirt on, Obito!

***Sound of door breaking***

Obito: Raawwr! Fear me mortals!

Danzo: Aboot time we got in, eh! Let's get this party started by watching a hockey game!

Madara: I say, I'll go prepare the tea!

Hiruzen: Hey guys, why didn't you just use the roof to get in?

Madara: I beg your pardon?

Obito: Raawr-rawr?!

Hashirama: Minato Rasengan'd the roof like WEEKS ago so we could let the sun in. We've just been lying here, enjoying the sun and drinking margaritas.

Danzo: Gosh darn it!

Obito: Death rawr?

Tobirama: Why am I still pale?!

Minato: You really can't do anything right can you?

Obito: Rawr-ruh-rawwrh rargh?

Madara: Jubito is wondering why you aren't afraid, considering he absorbed the 45-Tails.

Tsunade: Meh.

Minato: Huh, when did that happen?

Tobirama: Should we be afraid?

Hashirama: The villain suddenly got stronger? My, never seen that before.

Obito: Raaawrgh ra ra rawrgh ruura!

Madara: Jubito says he has absorbed the god of the Narutoverse and can now do whatever he pleases.

Minato: Oh, oh! Could he make the story interesting again? 'Cause that'd be sweet!

Obito: Rawrgh!

Madara: Jubito says the most recent chapter was both amazing and interesting.

Tsunade: What made the chapter interesting? The part where he did nothing or the part where he got a concussion from hearing his own name?

*High five with Minato*

Danzo: Why don't you care that the most evil organization of all times is in your house?!

Minato: Wait, who are you?

Danzo: What?! We've seen each other on numerous occasions!

Minato: Doesn't seem to ring a bell…

Danzo: I'm the leader of the nefarious Senju DNA and Sharingan Club!

Minato: Oh yeaaah…

Danzo: See, boys? My reputation is truly something to…

Minato: You got killed by Sasuke and hit by a kunai once. HAH! No one gets hit by a kunai.

Hashirama: Cheers to that boys and grandchild!

Danzo: I'll just go outside, eh…I'm feeling a bit down.

Tsunade: I can't believe I'm actually getting drunk in the Afterlife with my uncle and grandfather.

Hiruzen: It's almost as strange as someone absorbing the god of the Narutoverse.

Tobirama: Well I'm glad I don't have to deal with someone like that.

Obito: Rawr!

Tobirama: I'd just look silly.

Obito: Rawr?

Hashirama: Yeah, I mean, whatever would one use such power for anyway?

Obito: Rawr rawr rawr!

Tsunade: Didn't the bad guys have some kind of motive once upon a time? I could have sworn it had something to do with the 45-Tails.

Madara: Are…are you ignoring us?

Minato: No, we're just having a discussion.

Hiruzen: You see, this has been going on for so long that we've forgotten what's going on and why.

Hashirama: Why did we need an Alliance anyway when they're just standing there?

Minato: Didn't Kabuto show up at some point?

Madara: He resurrected me you wanker!

Minato: I mean what was his goal?

Madara: That…Er…Hm.

Tsunade: Didn't we spend a bunch of chapters watching Kage we'd never heard of beating the crap out of redshirts? What was that about?

Tobirama: That was the worst part! I was killed by 20 people and the third Raikage could survive for three entire days against TEN MOTHERTRUCKING THOUSAND!

Minato: I could do that too.

Tsunade: Same here.

Hiruzen: Is that supposed to be a challenge?

Hashirama: Please, apparently 40.000 people are weaker than I. I'm thankfully immune to getting struck by a kunai from behind.

Tobirama: Uh…yeah…I…could also beat 10.000 people…I just didn't want to beat 20 people.

Minato: You wanted to die?

Tobirama: … … … …Yes…?

Tsunade: Moving on…Why didn't the Raikage just flee?

Hiruzen: Come again?

Tsunade: Well he stayed behind so his men could flee right? Why didn't he just catch up with them after, say, an hour? I mean did they really need three days to get away?

Hashirama: Huh…

Tsunade: And for that matter, why didn't they just leave a thousand Ninja to deal with the Raikage and let the rest chase his comrades down?

Minato: God I've missed poking holes in this story, even if we're talking about something that's not relevant at the moment.

Hiruzen: Well what should we talk about? Obito?

*Everybody laughs*

Obito: Rawr!

Madara: Jubito says yes.

Hashirama: Would you two just relax? Come on, have some margaritas and enjoy the sun. Don't just stand there looking like complete idiots.

Minato: That's a tall order for them…

Tobirama: Ignore him, we all do.

Madara: Well the weather IS gorgeous, not at all like where I come from (wink wink). I'd say I've earned some vacation.

Tsunade: Earned? You mean by slaughtering innocents?

Madara: Yes.

Tsunade: Whatever.

Obito: Rawr.

Madara: Jubito says 'meh, whatever'.

And so, both heroes and villains got drunk that beautiful summer day.

…

AN: I know, I know, I sometimes just disappear without a trace, but I have my reasons! In addition to getting slapped in the face by real life, I've also had my computer crash and lost absolutely all interest in Naruto. I mainly keep myself updated just so I know what to make fun of.

I've also been totally engulfed by the Ace Attorney series. I don't know where it has been all my life but I've enjoyed it immensely. So much so that I've actually written a serious fic about it - s/9466845/1/Elegy-of-Sorrow Feel free to check it out. I also recommend that you check out that franchise if you're a big fan of crime fiction like I am.

And as always, please tell me what you thought about my chapter, the Naruto chapter and what you had for breakfast today. Have a good day, beautiful people.


End file.
